The Ramblings of an Intrigued Mind

Hallmark

2011-12-03T17:27:00.001-07:00

I have decided I need to start patterning my life after Hallmark movies, in particular the movie I watched today. I am not sure exactly how to make it happen but I know the outcome I desire. Somehow I am going to hire a guy to come home with me for Christmas and introduce him to my family as my fiance. Of course pandemonium will ensue, my family will find out and be disappointed. Don't worry, they will soon get over their disappoint while both of us realize we actually are in love and would like to get married. So, if any one knows an eligible man, send him my way.

Hamlet

2011-10-29T17:58:00.000-06:00

For my birthday I got some money. I had planned to buy some shoes or a new purse with the money, but alas, my many searches were in vain. I decided instead to spend the money on my love of movies. So far I have purchased two but I still have money to purchase a few more. I am very excited, especially since the two I ordered ("That Thing You Do!", Kenneth Branagh's "Hamlet") have already arrived.

It is the second movie, Hamlet, that has prompted this post. I had a friend who once insisted that Mel Gibson's Hamlet was the best. Sure it is good, but it in no way compares to Kenneth Branagh's version. It is truly spectacular. I feel Shakespeare would be pleased to view his work acted in such splendor. While watching, I have a desire to re-read the play so that in my imagination can run wild with Danish princes, vengeance, ghosts, friendship, and love. I do feel that my dreams would pale in comparison with the vision I see before me now.

I highly recommend it and would let anyone borrow it. Just know it is very precious to me and won't be held responsible for my actions should anything happen to it.

Change

2011-10-24T22:27:00.003-06:00

I think my whole life has been spent trying to be what others expect me to be. I find I don't say what I really think in case that might alter someones perception of me. I keep my opinions to myself to avoid arguments. I apologize for things I am not even sure I should apologize for to make peace when I reality I am the one hurting. I wonder who I would be if I hadn't trained myself to be this person. I guess the question really is, do I let myself be free of this facade and let the bricks fall where they may or do I hang on to what I know and find peace in the place I have created?

I have recently been contemplating change. I feel there is so much of myself that needs to change, but I don't know how. I don't want to be stuck in this rut. It seems to be a vicious cycle filled with the same thoughts and actions. I know change is hard, but I know I must. I think change brings growth and perspective, which I am in desperate need of. I feel like a 30 year old stuck with a high school mentality when I really want to be 30 flirty and thriving. So how do I get there?

Charlotte Bronte

2011-07-24T22:29:00.000-06:00

I am currently re-reading Jane Eyre and I have come across some great lines. "He made me love him without looking at me" (pg. 176). Maybe you have to be a girl to completely understand this. I can't tell you how many guys I have "loved" but who haven't raised their eyes to meet mine. "... and yet, while I breathe and think I must love him" (pg. 177). I look forward to feeling like that.

Anyways, I know these lines are a little sappy but I love them anyway. I feel like I can relate to the character of Jane and to Charlotte herself. I look forward to meeting Charlotte and her sister Emily. I have a feeling we would get a long well.

3 Days In

2011-06-27T00:06:00.000-06:00

I am ending my third day of the Sugar War and so far so good. I have to admit the first day was the worst. I am pretty sure I craved sugar all day but the last two days have been pretty good. My mouth didn't salivate today when someone offered me a cookie. Also, I am pleased to report that Saturday I had some peppers for a snack and today it was watermelon. I think the natural sugar is helping me fight the sweet tooth.

I am pleased so far and hope I can keep this up. Actually, I know the only reason I have made it these past few days is because the Lord is helping me. I know I can't win this war by myself and I am glad I have finally enlisted the help I need.

This is War

2011-06-23T23:38:00.000-06:00

My war against sugar starts in the morning. I have waged this war and successfully kept the enemy at bay for a few months but defeat has always come. I realize though, that this is a battle that I must engage in. I have been reading from the Church's addiction recovery manual, and I believe that I have an addiction to sugar. I don't think it runs my life but I find that when I am having a bad day at work or feeling bad about myself, instead of dealing with those things, I eat something sugary.

Anyways, wish me luck, there are some bleak days ahead.

Pain Medicine

2011-06-03T19:01:00.000-06:00

I decided I would experiment today with my pain medicine. I wanted to see if I really needed to take it. I must say the day started off well. Now having done my chores for the day, I find I must take some. So sad. Oh well, I am now wondering should I just take it in the morning like I have or wait until I feel the pain. Part of me thinks to take it in the morning so I don't have to feel any pain. It seems like once the pain gets enough that you know you need the medicine it just takes forever for it to go away. My goodness, decisions, decisions.

Who Am I?

2011-05-31T00:57:00.000-06:00

I was watching a DVD and the question came to my mind, who am I? I have to admit I am not always sure but I have some thoughts. I realized tonight, through this silly show (Vampire Diaries) that there is strength in knowing who you are. When we pretend we become vulnerable to our weaknesses which can over take us. I was thinking how much stronger I would be as a person, if I could admit that I have certain tendencies and work to change/overcome them instead of bury them. It seems that no matter how hard you try to keep that something hidden, it always peaks out.

I guess what I am saying is that I need to embrace all of me so that I can know fully who I am and not just know who I am but be that person.

Sorry this probably makes no sense to anyone, but there it is, me.

Love Languages Revisited

2011-05-26T20:35:00.000-06:00

I received an email today from Leila talking about the Language of Love and a link to read a little more about what it all means. I followed the link and took a little quiz. Apparently I love when people spend quality time with me but I also love to get gifts. I scored a 10 on quality time and a 9 on receiving gifts. One different answer and my love language would be gifts.

It seems so silly but to make me really happy you could bring me a present and then spend some time with me, but please don't touch me! (I only got a 2 (out of 12) on that one, physical touch)

New Stakes

2011-04-28T01:23:00.000-06:00

I had the chance to go to the Conference Center tonight for a meeting about the new YSA stakes that are being formed. I am excited for the change. I think it will be a good thing for boundaries to be enforced and for University wards to be dissolved. I am not sure how I feel about being in a bigger ward, but I am looking forward to the possibilities.

At the meeting I realized a few things. The first is that I am officially released from my calling. Part of me is glad because the past few weeks I haven't felt a part of the presidency. We rarely met which made it hard for me to know exactly how and who to serve. At the same time I am sad because I have really loved being a part of the Relief Society in this way. I never had a testimony of Relief Society until this ward and I don't want to loose that.

The second thing I thought was, this is it. I have one more year before I graduate from the YSA program. Once you turn 31 it seems as if the Church gives up all hope in you. I never even thought that I would face graduating from the Singles Ward, but deadline is not far off. One more year and then where do I fit as a member?

The last thing I thought of is based on something Elder Ballard said about letting go of fear of the future and walking in faith. I realize I am afraid, not of what will happen around me but that I won't be able to contribute or that I won't ever move from this stage of life. Elder Ballard also said we need to lower our standards and stop looking for perfection because it's not there. It was so nice to hear these things because that is what media says we should be doing. It is like a movie being played over and over again in my head, you must have a man like Horatio Hornblower to be happy, which isn't the case. I need to find someone who will help me grow towards the perfection we all seek and someone who will let me help him.

Anyways, I suppose only time will tell what life brings. In the mean time I am excited for the changes and can't wait to meet my new Ward.

Auschwitz

2011-04-26T23:54:00.000-06:00

On Sunday James and I started this documentary about the German concentration camps, specifically Auschwitz; I finished it today. I think in many ways I have been "sheltered" from what really happened there. Obviously I have learned the basics in school but I was appalled by what I learned. I have been trying to wrap my mind around the thought that a group of people could be so cruel to another group for no reason other than they were different.

There were SS guards from Auschwitz interviewed and they talked so matter of factly about how they participated, as if it made the most sense in the entire world. I understand they had a charismatic leader who they believed but at some point wouldn't you question the torture and killing of at least children? I am trying to understand the need for self preservation as well, but my mind can't accept letting others die because of my fear. (I am so glad I will not have to judge those men and women.)

It makes no sense to me at all. I was thinking while watching how Heavenly Father must have looked upon our world and wept while at the same moment Satan did a dance of joy. I think how Heavenly Father must continue to weep because of the cruelty of man. I am glad the Holocaust is over but I realize the same things are happening in the world today. I can't help but think of my student from the Sudan who witnessed things no child should ever see.

I have never seen myself as an activist, but I have to wonder what more can we do? What can I do?

TayTay

2011-04-23T13:19:00.000-06:00

Last night I went to Tay's last concert, Everson and The Indecision were awesome. I was impressed with all of those who participated, especially Tay and Jimbot. At the very end it finally hit me that Tay is leaving Utah. I can't believe it and I really don't want him to. It has been so nice getting to know my brother. I am not sure how well I knew him before these past few years, but he has become my friend and someone who I can count on.
It has meant so much to me to know if I needed a blessing he would be willing. I have loved having someone to brave family activities with. I think of the times he came to my classroom and inspired my students with his love and passion for music. Of course I remember a few times wanting to strangle him but I think that is the nature of family.

I am going to do my best not to cry (I realize that is a loosing battle, but at some point I have to show the tears they are not the boss of me) when we say goodbye next week. I am glad this is not a goodbye I'll never see you again. I am grateful for the knowledge we are brother and sister forever and that we have more time to continue to build our relationship.

Good luck in the great northwest TayTay! I just want you to know you are loved and I am rooting for your success. I know you will be an amazing psychologist and that your gifts will help many people. On a side note, thank you for moving to a place with no sun, I am tired of being the whitest person in the family.

Conclusion

2011-04-18T22:03:00.000-06:00

Tonight the Captain and I went to Burger King, I put my Sprite on the stable arm rest and sat down only to have it flip upside and land on my cushion. Both my seats were wet, it was not cool. This is just the latest in a serious of unfortunate events. Last week my fry sauce magically fell all over that very same seat cushion. That too was resting innocently on the arm rest. Don't worry it doesn't stop there, a Cherry Pepsi met a similar fate as did a Cherry Limeade and a Fruit Punch. (I have now been banned from having any red liquid.)

Given these events I can only draw one conclusion, I am being haunted. There is no other explanation. I am obviously not that clumsy, someone is trying to keep me from fully enjoying soda and fry sauce. I am not sure who the ghost is yet, but as soon as I solve this mystery I will let you know.

PS Not that this matters, but I have been watching a lot of Ghost Whisperer.

A Dream

2011-04-16T13:31:00.000-06:00

I really wish I had my own stylist. I would like someone to make my hair look gorgeous and do my make up. If I can't have that, I want someone to pick out all of my outfits so I look good everyday. Of course I will have to make tons of money for this dream to come true or land a role on a hit TV show.

Letter

2011-04-13T19:44:00.000-06:00

Dear Boys,

There are many questions I would like to ask, but being as I don't any of you personally, I am hoping this will somehow reach you. Did any of you take to heart what was said in General Conference? To paraphrase, "get off your lazy, selfish bottoms and ask out the beautiful women that are around you." Perhaps that is a little off, but I really hoped that many of my wonderful amazing friends would actually get asked out on dates. Apparently the message didn't sink in. (Sorry, really trying not to sound like a bitter girl, but someone has to say it.)

Don't worry, I don't place all of the blame on you. I think girls have issues too and we need to make ourselves available. So, here I am making myself available. I know I am not a super model and have even been called a "sweet spirit" so if that doesn't appeal I know lots of other girls. Amazing women who would make beautiful companions.

Now, if we are having an honest conversation, which I think we are, what is wrong with me? I know I may be a "sweet spirit" but I don't think I am hideous. I know I am chubby but in my mind that means curves in all the right places. I am educated, have a good job, I attend church regularly, and I am temple worthy. I try to be friendly and talk to people I don't know. I have a good sense of humor and in general I would say I am a good person. I know I am an independent person but I am learning to rely on others. I won't ever be a high maintenance girl which seems to be a mark in the "not for me column" but I think a girl should be able to take care of herself.

I promise to give you a chance all I am is asking is for you to do the same.

Sincerely,

Me

My Own Twin

2011-04-12T20:42:00.000-06:00

I made an observation tonight while in class, not only do I look like my mom but so does my handwriting. My mom is just so awesome that my spirit must be trying to copy her in every way that it can. So silly, I wonder what trait I will develop next.

I Get the Hint

2011-04-10T19:54:00.000-06:00

I think someone is trying to tell me something. Our Relief Society lesson and our FHE lesson tonight were on honesty. In general I don't view myself as a dishonest person but perhaps there are things on could work on, little tweaks you could say. I'm not sure what because I don't tell out right lies and if I do fib the truth it is because I don't want to hurt the person. I guess I better take the hint and exam my life and weed out all of the sarcasm and little white lies.

The Language of Love

2011-04-06T22:04:00.000-06:00

I was having a conversation with some friends tonight (don't die of shock, yes I was out of the house and yes I have more than one friend.) and for some reason the language of love came up. I have heard of this before but learned that there are 5 ways people express love and generally one way is most prominent for a person. The girls I was sitting with were easily able to say how they express love. You know, I am not sure I fit into any spot. I'm definitely not physical, I have a hard time finding ways to serve, and I don't remember the other three but they weren't me either.

I was just thinking, I hope the people I love know that I love them. I know I am not the best communicator, but I sure do love a lot of people and I hope in my way it comes across.

Sorry

2011-03-31T22:06:00.000-06:00

Something strange is going on. My last post had paragraphs in it, but for some reason it won't publish with them. Sorry, you have to read what looks like a really long entry.

911

2011-03-31T21:48:00.000-06:00

This week has been crazy, actually only yesterday was crazy but the drama seeped into today. Nila came in to work yesterday (late) and told me she fell out of bed. Right away I knew I needed to be concerned. I went and told Pauline that I was worried about her and she came down and we convinced her to go home. During the course of this Nila began to fall asleep, mumble incoherent things, she was shaky, and all sorts of not good. Pauline ended up calling the paramedics who came and took her away on a stretcher. I think we were all, the paramedics included, worried she was having a stroke. Not cool! Nila called me today and she was in complete denial about what happened yesterday. She sounded very angry. I told her I would never do anything unless I felt it was for her own good and she said she knows that and doesn't blame me. However she does think yesterday was a conspiracy set up by Pauline to get her fired. (She said it was all a set up because the ambulance go there so quickly.) She also said Pauline is trying to write her up as some sort of drug addict. It was a pretty crazy conversation. She still insisted all of this even after I told her she was incoherent and we were all very worried about her. I had really hoped yesterday would be a wake up call for her and that she would admit it is time to retire. I wish there was some way I could help her see this. I have expressed my concern to her and also let her know she is far more important than this job, but she still insists on coming to work which puts herself and the students at risk. Part of me wishes I didn't care but I love the crazy lady. She is on my mind constantly and there is nothing I can do or say that will help this situation. I am honestly afraid that I will come into our room one day and she will be collapsed on the floor. She doesn't see that, instead she sees the world ganging up on her. I guess I just don't know what to do or say anymore. I just pray her heart can be softened and that she recognizes what is really happening to her.

The Fish

2011-03-23T00:41:00.000-06:00

I am sure you have all noticed the fish on the side of my blog. They are my new pets, I had to get rid of Spike. Anyways, they will follow your pointer around and if you click on the water it will leave bits of food. Please feed them every time you visit. I know they'll appreciate it.

Swatch

2011-03-23T00:31:00.000-06:00

I got a huge box in the mail today. I mean anyone who saw this thing would assume it was filled with many different goodies. Indeed it was, it was filled with tons of packing peanuts and the watch I ordered two Fridays ago. That's right, a watch, just a tiny little thing packed in a box probably a hundred times bigger than necessary. But it's all good, it was an unusual choice in box for an unusual watch. My new watch is pretty awesome, one of the straps is super long, comically long (I mean that literally because when it is off my wrist and I look at it, I laugh). Yes, it is that way on purpose. The long strap wraps around my wrist twice so it looks like I am wearing a watch and a bracelet which is pretty awesome!

I know once you all see it you will want one for yourself, so to give you a chance I will tell you where you can get one of your very own. Go to store.swatch.com and it will be on the very first screen, it's the Lady Collection. Sorry boys, probably not the right choice for you, but ladies I recommend it.

Follow up

2011-03-16T20:34:00.000-06:00

Before I get some emails, phone calls, or text messages, my break down is over and I am feeling much better. I think blogging helps.

Break Down

2011-03-16T18:47:00.000-06:00

I decided that today I would have a break down. You would think that break downs would happen spontaneously, but it turns out they can be scheduled. Are you ready, because it is about to happen.

Agenda

Leo (present)

Item 1: Nila. She needs to retire. She is making my life miserable and forcing me to make different plans for my life because she can't see the she should no longer be teaching. I keep telling myself it's not intentional, but when I told her about my plans (to move schools if I have to be split between two schools next year, which will likely happen because she won't retire) she said, "Well, I'll miss you."

Item 2: Cheryl. She is the lady I work with at the other school. We had a meeting today and she mentioned that Stansbury had finished their staffing plan and there were openings. I asked her what openings there were because I might go back into the classroom. She rolled her eyes and started talking to someone else. She has done this to me all year. I keep saying it's not intentional but everyone else just goes on and on about how wonderful she is, so it must be me. Am I really that hard to work with?

Item 3: I want to have just one day where I won't feel bad for even having these thoughts. I am tired of feeling bad because I get upset with these people. I feel like there is something wrong, I should be more Christlike or patient. I need to stop being so sensitive. It is just so frustrating, especially since I am going to feel guilty even writing the first two items.

Item 4: I know I have made it a goal not to complain (which I haven't been so successful at) but RA sucks. I am so tired which is probably adding to the increased sensitivity to these situations. I don't want to hurt and I don't want my body to change. I don't want the future to come with me being an invalid. It is just all around hard, especially knowing that my RA could lead to other things like heart failure, fibromyalgia, and who knows what else.

Conclusion. The break down will continue for the next few minutes off computer and then life will return to normal.

Matilda

2011-03-10T22:11:00.000-07:00

I had a pretty awesome dream last night. Amanda and I both had baby girls. (Which I think should happen in real life, because I want our kids to be born a the same time so they can grow up together and be best friends!) My little one was so cute! She had red (orange? for the sake of this, I shall say copper) curly hair. She was a toddler who let me carry her around and she kept hugging me. It was pretty cool, but for some odd reason her name was Matilda. Yeah, don't know where that came from. All of this is pretty darn amazing, but the best part is I was married to a guy named Noah, who was a super spy. That's right, my own James Bond. He narrowly escaped a fire ball to join Matilda and I at a Ward function. What more can a girl ask for?

A District Visit

2011-03-03T16:43:00.000-07:00

I have to admit, today started off slightly stressful. Because of various of circumstances I was already running late and who should appear but the head the reading department. The first words out of her mouth were, "I am here to shadow you." No pressure right. Fortunately she only observed one group and she didn't even stay for the whole group. When she was leaving all she said to me was "It looks like they're getting it. They're doing great." I haven't heard anything else, so I assume I still have a job.

To be honest, I really think she was there to observe Nila. The reason I think this is because Carla followed Nila to two groups and Nila has also had some complaints since she has been back. I really wish Nila would admit it is time to retire. Unfortunately I think if she can't admit that, she is going to continue to be followed around and probably have to deal with more and more complaints.

Fraiser

2011-03-02T21:41:00.000-07:00

My morning ritual has begun to include watching an episode of Fraiser. I don't know what it is but there is just something about that show. This morning's episode was awesome! I actually laughed out loud. My favorite part of the episode is when Fraiser dresses up like a clown, grabs a butcher knife and scares his dad. Oh man, I almost died. (I am sure that reading this doesn't capture the beauty of that scene, but just thinking about it brings a smile to my face. If I knew how to link a youtube video, I would find it and post it.) That moment totally made my day. I am convinced if you laugh first thing in the morning, the day will be bright.

If I Had Cast the Movie Twilight

2011-02-26T14:44:00.000-07:00

I know, completely random, but I have had been the one in charge of the casting the Twilight movies things would have been very different. I am not sure what brought this thinking on other than I love the books and the movies don't do them justice.
My choices:
Edward: Henry Cavill (the new Superman but to me he will always be the Count's son)
Jacob: Steven Strait (the main guy in The Covenant. He is the perfect "big" Jacob but I think they would have had to use special computer affects to make him look scrawny enough for Twilight.)
Bella: Emily Browning (she is the girl from the movie, The Uninvited. Let's be honest, anyone is better than Kristen Stewart!)
Emmett: Taylor Kitsch (Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights, Gambit, he just needs a hair cut.)
Jasper: Hayden Christensen (I am still debating on this one. Jasper is one of my favorites and he may be changed later on, but for now this works.)
Alice: Alexis Bledel (Gilmore Girls, I do wonder how she would look with short, spiky hair. She may get changed as well. Alice and Jasper are so hard to cast because I have an ideal in my mind and the two playing them right now are so wrong!)
Rosalie: Sophia Myles (Isolde)
Carlisle, Esme, and Charlie can stay as they are.

I may have to go read the books again.

Copy Machines

2011-02-22T21:35:00.000-07:00

One of the assignments I have for my current class is to be a discussion leader. Obviously that means I have to lead a 40 minute discussion in class, so I had to prepare discussion points and find outside resources. In addition I needed to make copied of all of this for the people in my group (about 11 copies). I prepared for my discussion on Saturday, Monday, and this morning. I finally felt prepared, printed off my copy and headed off to school to make my copies.

I arrived in the copy machine got everything started only to get the dreaded misfeed message. I cleared all the misfeeds I could find but the machine kept insisting their was something more. The other teachers in the room encouraged me to give up and let the office know. I then proceeded to the Rizo (which is used for massive amounts of copying and is rather annoying for small amounts). I made about have of the copies I needed when another teacher came in who needed to make some copies for her class, since I wasn't in a hurry I let her cut in front of me. She made her copies, left, and I went back to making copies. Two copies later, that machine broke. No more copy machines left to try.

I went back to my office to just print what I needed. I opened my file to find that the font was completely different from what I had already made copies of. (You would think that Word would have all the same fonts, but no). By this point, I was far too frustrated to continue and just compiled what I had. Fortunately I had one complete packet for my teacher. I hate the copy machines at work!

Don't worry though, I survived my thing and my teacher was very understanding.

Team of Rivals

2011-02-20T23:35:00.000-07:00

I recently started a new book called Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln. I have heard good things about this book and have been interested in learning more about Abraham Lincoln. To be honest I picked up this book out of selfish reasons, I am hoping to learn from Abraham Lincoln how to create a better working environment. Obviously he was able to create an amazing "team" of people who had every reason not to work together. Hopefully I will get some insights that will help me in my relations at work.

Anyways, I am only on chapter 2 but I am already surprised by how little I know about this man. When I picture Abraham Lincoln I see a stern face, the stove top hat, lanky limbs, and I guess you could say concern in his eyes. I had no idea he liked to tell stories and that people enjoyed listening to these stories. He would laugh and tell jokes and lounge on peoples' sofas (I guess I shouldn't say people, friends). For the first time I am seeing him as a "man" not the stone like god I have created in my head.

I have to say I am a little apprehensive to continue reading because I don't want my ideal to be shattered. I do love seeing Abraham Lincoln as a normal person, but I do worry that the author will somehow portray him in a negative light. I don't want my hero to be torn down. But, I have committed myself to the book and must press forward. Who knows, maybe he will be built on an even higher pedestal after I have finished.

Valentine's Day

2011-02-13T22:50:00.000-07:00

I must admit I traditionally don't care for Valentine's Day. Probably because I have never had a date or the possibility of one. In the past I have stuck to calling it "Single Awareness Day", but this year my thinking is different. As per usual, I was sitting on bed thinking, when I realized I am grateful we have a day to celebrate love. True this day is typically reserved for romantic love, but I would like to dedicate my celebration to all of the ways I feel love in my own life. I think the best way to express this is to create a list.

I feel love for my students. I love that their minds are still open to the joy of learning. Life and experience has not jaded them yet. Plus I love that they wave to me in the hall and rush to give me hugs. (Sometimes I feel like a celebrity with all of the waves and shouts I get.)

I love that I am getting to serve in the Relief Society and actually gain a testimony of the program. I have a genuine love and concern for all of the sisters in my ward, which is something I have never experienced before.

I love that I have a roommate who puts up with me and still wants to hang out with me. I love her generosity and compassion. I love the strength of her testimony and that fact that she is always striving to be better. I also love that she cooks me delicious meals on Sunday and that she brings home Taco Bell almost every Friday.

I love my family. I love that we are together forever. I love that I learn from them, cry with them, laugh with them, and sit in silence with them. I love that I don't have to pretend or hide who I truly am. I love that my family prays for me and uplifts me. I love that they tell me they love me and encourage me constantly. I love that they see the best in me, in fact they see things that I don't.

Of course I feel love for my Savior and Heavenly Parents. What would the point of this life be if it weren't for the love they freely give me?

When I sit and think about how my life is so full of love I realize that it isn't "Single Awareness Day" but it is "I realize that I am not alone day". I am grateful that love is more than romance that is laughter, understanding, faith, family, friendship, hope, joy, peace, and so much more.

No Poo

2011-02-02T20:31:00.000-07:00

When I got my hair cut last week, I asked the stylist about shampooing my hair, you know how often and that short of thing. She recommended a routine called No Poo. What you do is rotate between using only conditioner and only shampoo. If you wash your hair every other day, the first time you would use just conditioner, treating it like shampoo, and the next time you wash your hair, you would use only shampoo. Following this routine will create healthier curls and replenish moisture. I am not sure if this technique works for people with straight hair but she said it is really great for curly hair.

Another suggestion she made is to pin up part of your hair while it is drying because with curly hair it drys flat at the top because the curls are weighted down. She said to take a few sections and kind of bunch them up (it is hard to explain in writing, but she showed me what she meant) and clip them there while the rest is drying. This is supposed to create more fullness along with perfectly formed curls.

I have decided to be brave and try her suggestions. I have to admit, I am a little afraid of the only conditioner because it seems like it would make your hair look greasy and kind of gross. I chose to do it though because if it does look horrid, I can always wash my hair again. So, tonight I washed my hair with only conditioner and part of it is pinned up right now. From what I can tell, my hair seems awfully curly tonight and it doesn't look greasy. Amanda tried it the other day and she said her hair was less frizzy, so we will see what happens. I am excited though because curly hair can be pretty frizzy and dry with some odd curlings in there. Hopefully tomorrow I will have a good hair day!

Things That Are Annoying

2011-01-31T19:04:00.000-07:00

There are a few things on my mind right now and they are all things I find annoying.

1. Spending 5 or 6 hours working on sub plans on a Saturday only to find out the sub didn't even show up to teach my groups while I was gone. My groups just ended up going with the other reading specialist.

2. I hate to say it, but having the other reading specialist come back to work at Beehive because all she does is talk to me which makes it difficult to get things done.

3. Weather changes. The snow is horrid to drive in plus it hurts like there is no tomorrow.

4. I keep spilling drinks.

5. My log in to view my paycheck isn't working, yet my work email log in is working. They are the exact same.

6. I'm annoyed and that annoys me!

Quickie

2011-01-30T22:29:00.000-07:00

The more I think about it, the more I think I like the last dress the best.

More Time on My Own

2011-01-26T13:45:00.001-07:00

So, I was left alone again. I thought instead of looking at Vera

Wang, I would look at LDS dresses. I found some and I am feeling

even more like a loser because I obviously have no one in my

life and this could totally freak some guys out, but oh well!

I think my favorite might be the shorter one. With the right shoes

and cute nails. Oh man, maybe I look up some pictures of guys

and pick one out too.

I Shouldn't Be Left Alone

2011-01-26T13:21:00.000-07:00

So I know I am pretty much a loser and shouldn't be allowed any alone time. I just watch Bride Wars and was thinking, what do I want my wedding dress to look like. Also, what sort of engagement ring would I want. I admit I looked at some dresses, but nothing struck my fancy. I did find some awesome rings. Oh man, I do love the bling! If I can figure out how, I will post the pictures of ring possibilities. This way, when I meet someone and he is smitten, you can just send him here and then surprise me. (PS, I found these at Jared's)

Missy MooMoo

2011-01-23T22:35:00.000-07:00

I have just been sitting here thinking about my little sister. I am so grateful that she finally came to our family. I used to pray that I would get a sister but I kept getting brothers. Not that I don't love them, but there always seemed to be something special about having a sister. I would imagine us talking about boys, arguing over borrowed clothes, and giggling into the night. But that is not what I got. Missy MooMoo didn't come until I was almost 12, so the years we were supposed to have those "hallmark" moments, she spent learning to walk and talk. Then when she could finally have conversations with me, I went to college. I sort of felt jipped of that special sisterly thing I had always wanted.

Now the years have passed and she is getting ready to graduate from High School. I have the sister I always wanted. It is not the relationship portrayed on TGIF, it is ours. She has been such a strength to me. She sees the best in me always. She forgives me for my failings and is there in a way that other people can't be. We actually have inside jokes and special songs. We aren't the sisters who fight over borrowed clothes (let's face it she is taller and thinner) or stay up into the night giggling. I think we're better.

I am so grateful for my Missy MooMoo. She took a long time coming but she came at the right time. She is my sister forever and I love her in all my heart!

Exciting News

2011-01-19T19:22:00.000-07:00

I have a new favorite actor/man of my dreams. His name is Tom Hardy. He's in Inception and my personal favorite Wuthering Heights (although he has terrible hair in that). He is just so handsome with the most magical voice and those eyes! Oh man! I could go on and on, but that is not why I am excited. I just read he is going to be playing Bane in the new Batman movie. I can't wait to see Tom on the big screen again or the little screen for that matter.

Shield

2011-01-17T22:18:00.000-07:00

I have been sitting here thinking about something Momita said to me yesterday. She said she felt like I had put up a shield and she knew I wouldn't say what I was really feeling. I realize I do that a lot and it's not because I don't trust people or that I am worried about how others will react but it because I love them and don't want anyone else to be responsible for my burdens. I feel like there are bigger issues out there that everyone is dealing with and that should be the focus.

Here is the truth, I am scared. I don't know how to even express what I am thinking and feeling beyond that. How do you fully express what it feels like to know your own body is attacking itself? How do you tell others you don't trust your body? When is it the right time to tell people you are worried you won't be able to hold hands with the love of your life someday? I worry that the RA will come to define who I am and how others treat me. I don't want to be seen as different or treated as if I am fragile, but in the end that's what I am. I am scared I will loose my independence. I know I have others in my life, but I am the one who takes care of me, how do I let go of that control? When do I tell others that I have this disease? Do I tell people, if I do who do I tell and what do I say? I have no answers yet these thoughts and feelings swirl around my head.

Yet at the same time I can't help but feel so grateful for my Heavenly Father. He blessed me with such a wonderful family and good friends who are so supportive of me. I know there have been many prayers offered on my behalf and I have felt strengthened and uplifted. I know beyond anything that I have been blessed of the Lord. Through round about means, I found a doctor who believed me and found me a rheumatologist. I was given a job that is perfect for what my body can handle. In Washington, I was blessed to have a Visiting Teaching companion who is my age and also has RA. I can testify I am encircled in the arms of my Savior.

Having said that, I don't know how to balance what I feel physically with my faith. I have heard many times faith is the absence of fear so if that is true, does it mean my faith isn't adequate? I guess life is just one day at a time and I know there will be good days and bad days. Without the mix, there would be no progression and that's why I am ultimately here; to progress enough to make it back home.

Emergency Room

2011-01-17T15:36:00.000-07:00

I had the fun experience of going to the Emergency Room yesterday. On Saturday afternoon my feet started itching pretty terribly followed shortly by the palms of my hands. I took some benadryl and put on some anti-itch cream on my hands and feet. Nothing helped. As soon as I woke up I looked up some home remedies to try. I ended up taking a bath with a can of evaporated milk which did help a litte, but the relief did not last long. I went to the store for more medicine and tools the Internet suggested. Needless to say nothing helped. The itching came and went.

I decided I needed to go to bed but the itching was far too intense and I made the decision that I needed some medical attention. I am pretty sure I was having an allergic reaction to the new medicine I have been taking for my RA. Fortunately there was no waiting at the ER and I was able to get in right away. The doctor told me to stop taking the new medicine and also prescribed me a steroid to take for the next four days. I was given some in the ER as well. The itching hasn't completely stopped but it is so much better. I think as soon as the medicine I have been taking gets out of my system and the steroids do their thing, I will be much better.

Pretty crazy, my first trip to the ER. I am glad it was for nothing more serious.

Memories

2011-01-11T20:53:00.000-07:00

I am being swept away by memories from the past. Amanda and I watched the Saved by the Bell wedding last night. I forgot how much I love Zack. I still don't understand why Zack and AC were friends with Screech. They just don't fit. I am currently watching the Dr. Quinn movie. Oh man, that Sully! I am just realizing, I have too many memories that involve TV shows. I think I might need a life.

Morning Commute

2011-01-10T22:00:00.001-07:00

While commuting (I feel so adult) to work this morning, I was listening to a book on tape. This particular book is by an LDS author, I think the series is The Great and Terrible. (Side note, I don't typically read this type of book, but a friend had all of the CD's and handed them to me before I knew what I had agreed to listen to.) Anyways, this morning in the story, one of the main characters was wondering around lost in a storm in the mountains and in the moment when she was about to give into to her despair her father appeared (he had recently been killed) and put his arms around her to lift her up. It made me think of the times I have felt my Heavenly Father's arms around me, lifting me up and giving me the courage to fight on. I also had to wonder how many times I have been oblivious to those comforting arms. This morning I was reminded in an unexpected way that I am loved and my Heavenly Father has his arms around me. He is and has lifted me up and because of this I can go on and find my way.

Warm Fuzzy

2011-01-06T20:51:00.000-07:00

I had a new sister visit tonight at the church and while I was waiting for the Relief Society president to open the door two of the men in the ward approached the door. After I hung up the phone with the RS pres, one of the boys said, you gave a really great talk a few weeks ago and the other agreed. I was pretty much stunned especially since I had forgotten about the talk and thought they were talking about last weeks lesson. I hope I recovered adequately. Anyways, I got a very warm fuzzy. Then the RS pres opened the door and they went to play basketball and I went to talk to her.

Two-edged Sword

2011-01-05T21:46:00.000-07:00

I had a good doctor's appointment today. The doctor confirmed something I suspected that I have rheumatoid arthritis (hereafter call RA). I thought I was prepared for hearing the news but it turns out it is different when the doctor comes in with a pamphlet and a diagnosis. I am so glad I now have a name for my situation. At the same time, reality has hit, this is something that will never go away. This is now a part of my life that I cannot change. To be honest, I am not sure I would change it. I already feel more empathetic and sympathetic to people with chronic pain. I know how I feel and I honestly don't know how Dad can even function. You know, I am also pretty sure I volunteered for this in the premortal life. I can't explain why exactly, but I have a feeling I was eager to prove I would be faithful no matter what. I will prove that.

I also learned today there is a good possibility I have arthritis in my back. The doctor is doing a ton of blood work and he is checking for a genetic marker which would indicate it. I'm not sure what he will find, but he said he would help me feel better. I admit I still have my fears about treatment and diagnosis but I will trust him. More importantly I will trust my Savior who has told me in blessings that I will find doctors and treatments to help me throughout my life. I was also told I would lead a reasonable life and strength would return. I know whole heartedly I will survive this because of faith, the gospel, and my family. I can't imagine what I would do if I didn't have those things in my life.

Tomorrow

2011-01-04T21:49:00.001-07:00

Well, tomorrow is the big day; I finally see a rheumatologist. I am so glad because (although this violates my resolution not to complain) I am in a lot of pain at the moment. Anyone want some hands slightly used and puffy? I am trying to keep calm. I may have built this up to be the cure. I have been praying and fasting that all will go well tomorrow. I am worried about getting the same response I usually get, which is "I don't know". That would really suck. I will go in with faith. Maybe I won't walk away feeling satisfied, but I sure hope I do. Some relief and medical opinion will be nice.

Wish me luck!

Velocity

2011-01-03T22:24:00.000-07:00

My life is once more complete! It has been about a year since I could last say that. It feels so good being able to acknowledge this. I finally have a bottle of my perfume. That's right, I shelled out the $30, went to a Mary Kay representative and made my purchase. Just seeing the bottle brings me joy! I can smell it right now. Every whiff and sniff brings me another memory. Velocity, it's good stuff. I hope any time you smell it you think of me!

Resolution #1

2011-01-02T21:28:00.000-07:00

Last night, or should I say, early this morning, I was laying in bed trying to sleep when this thought came to me. Probably because it is January I have been thinking about my life and what I should be doing to be a better person. Maybe better is not the right word, I want to be more well rounded and actively show faith in my Heavenly Father. My first resolution is to begin using the word when instead of if. I realized last night when I use the word "if" I am saying, I don't believe the promises Heavenly Father has made to me. I do trust my Heavenly Father and it is time I start showing that in all aspects of my life and thoughts.

Here are some examples:
If I get married, will now be when I get married.
If I have children, when I have children.

This Christmas

2011-01-01T01:05:00.000-07:00

I can't believe my three week break is almost over. Just 2 more days :( I have had so much fun! I was given so much for Christmas. So many thoughtful gifts, things I can never repay. I have to admit the best part of this holiday season has been spending it with my family. I hate to see them go. When I graduated from high school I was so eager to leave, but now (and I think then, even if I didn't acknowledge it) I am a home body. If there was any way I could have a career, friends, and my parents and siblings near by, I would do it. I keep praying that someday we will all live close to one another. I'm grateful we are together forever! I am also enjoying all of the lovely new memories I have made.

Here are a few:
crates with holes drilled in, chimps, keeping your hands clean, kitten sacrificing, keeping my brother in the closet, 1000 pin bowling, fake cheese sauce, the uses of leftovers in Grandpa's fridge, the dollar theater, Dr. Horrible's singalong blog, Night of the Living Dead, lost gloves, chocolate covered pomegranate seeds, 24 hour car trips, and Crocodile Dundee.

Good times!

P.S. Thank you Captain for the laptop (which is why there have been so many blog posts)!

Fatal Attractions

2010-12-29T00:13:00.000-07:00

Why do people want to own dangerous creatures? Maybe I am just a whimp or always fear the worst, but it just seems like an accident waiting to happen. It just seems that no matter how "cute" a wild animal is, they will eventually act on their natural instinct.

I used to want a pet monkey, but after watching this show on Animal Planet, "Fatal Attractions," I think I would be crazy to do that. Sure they're cute especially in little people clothes, but I don't think I want to own something that would rip my face off. Crazy, I just don't get the appeal!

Mosiah 27

2010-12-26T21:57:00.000-07:00

I just read Mosiah 27, and was reminded how much I love the story of Alma Jr. and the sons of Mosiah. Their story is so inspiring to me because they were the vilest of sinners and through the Atonement, they turned their lives around. It reminds me that I can make mistakes but be forgiven and in turn do good things. I also love that they are known for their good deeds and not their bad ones. Yes we know they made mistakes, but because they repented our focus in on all the good they did in the world. I think the Atonement is so amazing and this story is the perfect example of how to come unto Christ and use the gift which He has freely given.

Merry Christmas

2010-12-25T01:08:00.000-07:00

I can't believe another year has come and gone. Last year at this time I was preparing to move to Utah and begin a new adventure. At the time I had no idea what awaited me, it anything. I have been so richly blessed this year. Through the goodness of Heavenly Father, I found the perfect job a few weeks after moving here. I found a great apartment in a ward that I actually like. I got a new car (Herbert), moved back in with Amanda, and have my first "big" calling. Who would have thought?

While I am grateful for all of these things, I am more grateful for my family. They are the people who help me through every day. They remember what is going on in my life and ask how it is going. They are my cheerleaders and I love them very much! I am so happy they are here celebrating the birth of our Savior with me.

Miracle

2010-05-13T19:35:00.000-06:00

For the first time in my life, some seeds I planted have actually sprouted. I can't believe it. I'm not sure what the difference was this time, but I can't believe how awesome it is. They haven't just sprouted, they are growing. There are little green stems and leaves coming out of my planter that seem to get taller every day. Will the miracles and wonders ever cease? I hope not!

News

2010-05-01T17:08:00.000-06:00

I learned today how my student died, he committed suicide. It makes me wonder what was happening. He was almost 14 and yet he felt there was nothing left to live for. I don't understand what could be so wrong that he had no more hope. I admit, I understand what it feels like to be depressed, but I don't know what it is like to have no hope, no matter how small. As I have thought about what has pulled me back in those moments of deep despair and it is the gospel. I think there is always hope, if we believe in the atonement. I am not saying this belief makes the depression easier, because it doesn't always, but it gives light.

I wish things could have been better for Ray. I wish he had someone he could have turned to who would have helped him see the light at the end of the despair. I wonder if there are signs that we miss because we are so caught up in our own pain. I honestly don't think there was anything I could have done for him, but I still wonder, was there something someone could have done. I am glad he is with Heavenly Father and that his pain can be erased. It just makes me think about how much we really need to take care of each other.

Goal

2010-04-28T21:46:00.000-06:00

I have a new goal. My goal is to be able to run a 5K in September. I'm a little nervous, mostly because I don't like running, but I think this will be a good thing. You're probably wondering why I am making this my goal if I don't like running, but I do have a very good reason. Amanda and I want to be on the Amazing Race someday and so we must start preparing now. (I know you all thought it was to become healthy, but that is just a nice bonus.) We figure in order to have a fighting chance, we have to be able to run for a few miles. Maybe after achieving this goal, we will have to start practicing with heavy packs too.

Wish me luck!

Today

2010-04-23T18:34:00.000-06:00

I went to Ray's funeral today. I have to admit, it was tough to go. It wasn't tough because I felt particularly close to this student but because I knew I would see my other students there. I look at this group of kids as though they are mine and I didn't want to see them in pain. I wish that I could shelter them from this. I wanted so badly to just hold them all and give them some comfort. I did hug several of them, but it didn't erase their tears.

I wish they could all feel the love of our Savior right now. I think that is the only thing that can ease this pain. I think that was the one thing missing from the funeral. I didn't feel the hope that comes from understanding the reality of the atonement. It is a blessing to know that there is life after this and we can all be together again. For my kids and Ray's family, I wish them that knowledge and comfort.

It was a tough day. I am grateful to know there is a purpose behind all of Heavenly Father's actions. That gives me great comfort!

FHE

2010-04-19T21:15:00.000-06:00

Are you ready to be shocked and awed? Okay, so it's not really that amazing, but for me it is. I actually went to FHE by myself this evening. Not only did I go, but I talked to people and participated. Did I mention, I had fun? For a normal person this would be a whatever moment, but for me it was wonderful. So far, my ward is still looking pretty good.

Just Heard

2010-04-18T21:58:00.000-06:00

I was contacted by a former student today via myspace to learn another one of my former students died on Saturday. You know, I thought I would be much older when something like this happened. He was only in 8th grade. It seems so young to be taken from this life. I am not sure what happened only that he died in his sleep. I am not going to question Heavenly Father's reasons, but it is just so sad. I hope his family is coping and his friends are okay. I taught this group of kids for 2 years and I see their faces now and wonder how they will handle this. I hope they can rely on each other.

New Ward

2010-04-18T16:16:00.001-06:00

I just went to my new ward. I can't believe it, but I am excited that this is my ward. I was greeted at the door by a girl named Amber. She welcomed me and assured me this was the right ward and seemed genuinely excited I was there, I believe she even clapped a little. I introduced myself to the Relief Society and immediately someone (Heather) behind me tapped my shoulder, said hi and told me she also lives in my complex. I met two other sisters, Megan and Mallory, after Relief Society. In Sacrament meeting Amber came and sat with me and Amanda. I felt very welcomed.

The ward is pretty small, which I think will be nice. Hopefully I will be able to meet more people that way and find a place to fit in. I also think it is a little older of a ward. I am still on the old side, but it seemed to be made up of people in their mid to late 2o's. The girls looked like average wonderful people, not super models. I didn't see many guys, but I did see at least 2 who were pretty cute.

I feel like I have found a place where I can meet people and enjoy the activities. I am being realistic though, I know I will have to put forth effort but I actually want to. I have hope for this ward and that is something I haven't felt out of a singles ward for a few years. Happy, happy, joy, joy!

One Thing

2010-04-14T21:22:00.000-06:00

I want to be in love! I don't just want to be in love, I want to be loved back. I want to know that I am capable of feeling that for someone. I just want to be in love!

Vacation is Over

2010-03-18T19:59:00.000-06:00

A miracle has occurred, my keys have finally returned from their vacation. I got to work this morning, took off my coat and felt a bulge in my pocket. It was them. I'm not sure where they went but I am glad they have returned. I know I checked all of my pockets in every coat I own, so they must have made it back sometime last night. I refuse to ask them any questions, I am just glad they are home!

?

2010-03-17T20:21:00.000-06:00

I have to start by saying my life is full of miracles! I moved here to Utah and found an amazing teaching job pretty fast, I somehow survived money wise until my first paycheck, and I just found an apartment. I see all of these wonderful things around me and I feel my Heavenly Father's love yet why do I still feel sad? Why is that seeing the goodness in my life isn't enough to make rainbows? I feel like it should be enough and I pretend it is just so people won't see me.

Lost

2010-01-23T16:14:00.000-07:00

My keys seem to have gone on vacation. They must have gotten bored with life (and who can blame them?) and jumped ship. They have been gone for a few days now. I hope they are having fun because I'm not. I mean I have a spare key, but I was bonded with the other set. I was just thinking, I bet they went to visit Mom's keys who are also taking a little break. I am pleading for their return. Keys, I need you! I am lost without you, please come back to me.

The Lost Symbol

2009-10-12T16:42:00.000-06:00

I just finished reading Dan Brown's latest novel. This book really made me think about different ideas. The purpose of many of the characters in the book is to become like God. They recognize they can be like God by gaining more wisdom. I really loved that idea because we do have the potential to be like God and if we are faithful and endure to the end, we will have that privilege.

I marked page 409, because one the characters, Peter Solomon, makes a very interesting statement about truth. (Tay, I thought you might like this.) "Truth," Solomon said, addressing the room. "Truth has power. And if we gravitate toward similar ideas, maybe we do so because those ideas are true . . . written deep within us. And when we hear the truth, even if we don't understand it, we feel that truth resonate within us . . . vibrating with our unconscious wisdom. Perhaps the truth is not learned by us, but rather, the truth is re-called . . . re-membered . . . re-cognized . . . as that which is already inside us."

This really struck me, mostly because my brother just got back from his mission. I think that is why people gravitate towards the gospel is because they are remembering things taught before. It was cool to see someone who I am not sure believes in God, state something in my mind that has so many gospel points.

Another point brought up in the book is whether the weight of a soul can be measured. I have just been thinking about that, everything is made up of matter so the soul should weigh something. Interesting, not that it matters to me because I believe we all have a soul, but it would be cool to be able to prove.

Anyways, it was a great read. I felt like there was a lot of truth and he would carry it so far and then suddenly it was speculation. I am so grateful that as a member of the church I have truth and that I don't have to leave it up to science to prove to me.

Poison

2009-10-08T22:24:00.000-06:00

I decided September 15, this would be a year of change for me. I was going to change the things I really needed to and finally become a better person. On my way home from work, I was thinking one way to do this is to rid myself of all the poison in my life. (Before you call 911, I'm not about to drink any or rub any into open flesh wounds.) I need to get rid of all these things that just bring me down and slowly (sometimes quickly) strangle me.

Tonight's poison is T-_________ or should I say _-Mobile? Before you read further this is not about their cell phone service or phones. As many of you know, I have been working there for little over a year and I think they have done everything they can think of to tear me down. My coaches (That is tmo speak for the supervisor's supervisor. Everyone has one and yep, you guessed it their job is to coach on being better at our job.) have all criticized me for various reasons. My favorites have occurred with my current coach, are you ready? You're not personable and this was the first time she spoke to me. The second day I got an email, you were at your seat a minute late, don't let this become a habit. The best was today. I got an email about 15 minutes before the end of shift, pretty much stating what's wrong with you? Why can't you do this? And, if (like that, if? Does that mean I am just lucky today she noticed me?) I invest time in you I expect results.

You see the poison? I need to get it out, because this job/these people make me feel worthless. I come to work and help the customers. I do exactly what they want, I'm courteous, speedy, and sympathetic. But it is never enough. There have been so many tears shed over these thoughtless comments. It is eating me up and I don't want it to! I want to be rid of this, but it is so hard not to let these things tear at me. I keep telling myself there are lessons to be learned here and I will be a better person because of this. Why do we have to be knocked down to be built?

Father's Hands

2009-04-22T18:57:00.000-06:00

I was helping Dad in the garden today when I had the most amazing thought. I was watching Dad pull out this tiny plant with such delicacy with his huge hands and suddenly I thought this is just like our Heavenly Father. I was thinking about how our Heavenly Father so gently enfolds us in his hands to help us grow. I don't know how he does it, but I know it is with the same tenderness Dad used to plant.

Maroon 5's Been Replaced

2009-04-22T18:51:00.000-06:00

I know, strong words for a title, but it is true. Recently I had the wonderful experience of going to a Blue October concert. If you recall a year ago, I posted something about loving their music and now they have replaced Maroon 5 as my number one. I have been meaning to post this for a while, but there is just something about the music. I was listening to their latest album on the way home from work the other day and realized the reason why I love their music is because I have felt many of the same things. There are days when I am angry, sad, happy, or speculative. I don't, I feel as though you have to truly understand what it means to be utterly depressed and wonderfully happy to hear the beauty in the lyrics.

Just for Mom

2009-02-18T00:30:00.000-07:00

I was recently talking with Momita, when she urged me to write my most recent experience from work. Tonight one of my coworkers was listening to me take calls when she informed me I was too passive, not concerned enough, and needed to use a larger vocabulary with the customers. What I took away is that I need to be a lot more rude to people, sugar coat everything, and use words no one will understand. I believe my work takes themselves way too seriously and that I may not be their kind of material! Oh well, at least I know I can get out there and won't be stuck answering phone calls for years to come.

Attitude

2008-12-01T23:00:00.000-07:00

Perhaps because of the holiday we just celebrated, but I realized I really need to change my attitude. It is so easy for me to focus on the negatives in life and I need to change my thinking. For the past few days I have been focusing on having an attitude of gratitude. There are many things in my life that I would change, but I also know I have been so blessed. I sometimes wonder why I allow myself to complain, because when I really stop to think about life, there are beautiful things all around me. I have been so truly blessed! I have to admit I have moments where I wish I had a different life, but I have come to realize when I stop myself mid complaint, life actually looks pretty good.

Trip

2008-09-04T22:45:00.000-06:00

Lately I seem to be taking many trips down memory lane. I can't make much sense of these trips. I am one of those people who likes to live in the present. Sure, I have many things which haunt me but for the most part I recognize my life for what it is and not try to compare it to previous times. I think these trips are because I am starting over in the Northwest for the second time in my life. I really did enjoy my time in Oregon, but I left for a reason and I don't want my time in Washington to be a repeat of that. I guess the real question is how do I learn to enjoy the past without fearing what it means for the future?

My Friends

2008-08-25T00:37:00.000-06:00

The other night I watched a video my friends and I had made in Oregon and it hit me how much I miss all of them. They really were the best bunch of friends a girl could ask for.

It is Done!

2008-07-18T20:09:00.001-06:00

Today was a very big day for me, I have officially completed my Master's Degree. All of my assignments have been graded and turned in, plus each of my classes if finally over. I am very excited by done, but also sad at the same time. I realized today I won't be seeing my fellow students again for a very long time, if ever. They really got me through the difficult moments by commiserating with me about teachers and assignments. It is wonderful that seemingly different people are able to come together and become bonded over a common experience.

My other thought is wow, I have just achieved a life long goal, what do I do now? What I have really enjoyed about the program is that I have been working towards a specific goal that had a definite beginning and an end date. I knew exactly what I needed to do in order to make it to the end and I could even see the end. I wish all of my other goals could be as clear cut. Such is life!

I am excited though because it means I can finally move on. I am really looking forward to moving in the next few weeks and starting a whole new life close to my family. (I couldn't have completed my program without them either. My dearest Momita listened to many complaints and edited papers for me. ) I am just sitting here realizing, I really have accomplished something wonderful, and it feels amazing!

Thoughts on Feminism

2008-07-12T15:46:00.000-06:00

This week I took a class on Educational Philosophy, and I have to say it was pretty interesting. As part of my class requirements I had to give an hour and a half presentation on 3 different philosophers. One of these was a woman by the name of Mary Wollstonecraft (her daughter is the author of Frankenstein). Learning about her brought up a subject I try to avoid, Feminism. I was actually very surprised as I read her thoughts. I have always thought of Feminists as man haters, but I found her views closely echo my own.

Mary Wollstonecraft points out she doesn't want women to emulate masculine virtues but wants women to be educated and be given more opportunities. I completely agree, women should be educated and be allowed to more than a mere fixture in society. I also agree that men and women have different roles to fulfill in the world. I don't think a woman should be the bread winner or the head of a household. I think women should embrace the role they have been given instead of trying to take on the role men have been appointed.

I recognize by writing this I may offend many of fellow sisters, but I am not sorry for feeling this way. I feel society has made the push to respect women and in turn have forgotten to respect men. What is so wrong with being a woman who is educated, intelligent, and wants to be just that, a woman?

Decision

2008-06-30T02:29:00.001-06:00

I have made a very crucial decision tonight, and here it is. I am worth it! I don't fit into a mold, I am not a carbon copy of anyone else. Maybe life would be easier if I did fit the world's perception of who I should be. If I let the world determine who I should be, I will never be happy. I want to be who the Lord made me. I am a full figured woman who is independent and sarcastic but is also kind, caring, spiritual, and good. Perhaps the people around me will never see it, but the Lord has opened my eyes and I like what I see. So there you have it, I am me and I am worth it!

Date

2008-06-27T02:20:00.000-06:00

It is 2:20 in the morning and I can't sleep for the 3rd time this week. So, I figured maybe my mind will quiet down if I empty it of thoughts. I went on a blind date tonight. The date started off well. We went miniature golfing and then to get shakes at Iceburg. While at Iceburg we got on the subject of cultural traditions and cremation came up. I asked his opinion on the subject and he is totally against it because he doesn't want to destroy his body. I told him I was for it because I don't like the thought of my body rotting away in the ground. I also told him it would be nice to just be twinkled at the Second Coming. His response was maybe I could just be burned with the wicked because it was free cremation. Nice right? I have never had anyone even joke with me about being considered one of the wicked. Needless to say, the night went down hill from there.

On the road to my home he was talking about why he lived in Utah. One of his reasons is because he is single. I asked him why it was good to be single in Utah. Of course his reason was there are more options here. He wondered if I disagreed. I told him I did and that I had more opportunities for marriage in Oregon. He proceeded to tell me the reason was I was too old when I moved here and I am not Utah material.

I know he is just some guy I don't ever have to see again, but he really hurt my feelings. For the past three years I have been trying to convince myself of all the reasons I am single. Then to hear from a boy I am not "Utah material" really makes me question what kind of material I am. Hearing him speak those words was a realization of my worst fears, I am old and I am different. I know I don't fit in here, but I somehow hoped it was just me being over sensitive. I guess I was wrong.

I hope you are all sitting down

2008-06-25T15:25:00.000-06:00

Just as the title suggests, I hope everyone who reads this is sitting down. If you aren't you may want to grab a chair before you fall over with shock. Are you ready? I am actually going on a date this week. I am just as surprised as all of you. One of my co-workers has set me up with a friend of hers. He called me last night and he seems like a nice guy. I am looking forward to going out. I haven't been on a date in a very long time. The best part about this one is there is no pressure because I am moving. I just get to enjoy leaving my apartment without worrying if this is going to lead to anything. It is pretty fabulous! I will keep everyone posted.

Career

2008-06-20T11:28:00.000-06:00

I have been thinking about a lot of things lately and my mind seems completely bogged down. I am definitely having a hard time concentrating and being motivated to get things done. That is not to say I don't push through and get things done, but it seems more difficult at the moment for whatever reason.

I just finished my first class of the summer. It was a pretty enjoyable experience surprisingly and it has gotten me to thinking. I listen in class and I agree with the things which are being taught and I realize how much I do believe in education and think teachers are pretty amazing. But then I wonder how I got so disillusioned with teaching. I feel like I have become the teacher I never wanted to be. This past year, it just wasn't fun. My students are great kids, but each one had their own set of demanding issues, I don't feel like I reached them. I keep wondering if I taught anything or if I spent my time putting out fires. I realize this means I need to make some changes, but I can't help but wonder if that means a career change for me. I believe a person should be happy at their job and truly enjoy it or what is the point? I am just not sure I have the passion I once did. How do I get that back? Do I just chalk it up to life experience and move on? I know no one has the answer for me and I don't expect anyone to fix the problem. I am lost at the moment and this scares me because I feel like I have always known what I wanted and where I was going, and now I have no clue.

PS I know some of you are going to worry about me when you read this, but please don't. I really don't want any worried phone calls, especially from you Mom.

Zone Therapy

2008-05-28T21:24:00.001-06:00

Yesterday, with my momita's help, I took my health into my own hands and saw a reflexologist. For those of you who don't know it is a type therapy based on the belief all parts of the body are connected through the feet. I really didn't know what to expect other than some touching of the feet. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I didn't realize my feet could feel such agony.

Aside from the pain it was a really amazing experience. As she was working different parts of my foot she would bring up parts of the body and what she was learning. I was really hoping she would find something because I feel sick all the time. However, I didn't expect her to find some many things wrong with me. As I listened to what she had to say, I couldn't help but feel grateful I can function as well as I do.

I know this all sounds a little crazy, but she knew things about my health that I hadn't told her. She could tell by my feet I had had braces, problems with my digestive system, anxiety, my blood type, that I clench my jaw, and I have a good memory but I have been having problems concentrating and remembering things. I don't think I have even told anyone about that. It really was amazing. Here is another weird thing. She only touched my feet, but my whole body is sore today. I feel like I worked out for hours yesterday and I know I didn't. She did something and I really don't know how she did it.

Anyways, the point of all of this is I finally feel like someone is listening to me. It is such a relief to know I am not going crazy. I feel like my medical doctors aren't listening and don't really believe me because nothing shows on any test. It was such an amazing experience and I am so happy to finally meet someone who wants to help me get better.

Annoyed

2008-05-15T18:41:00.000-06:00

I am so annoyed right now! The sad thing is I am annoyed with the one person I can't get away from, myself. I am so tired of the same thoughts, emotions, answers, and life. I feel like there is a record player in my head that has some how gotten stuck. The same words keep repeating over and over again. I am now so sick of those words it is driving me crazy. I tell myself don't think about that and I get even more bothered because I tell myself that all of the time. Life!

One Thing

2008-04-23T17:26:00.001-06:00

I know I wrote earlier, but I have one last thing to say today.

COMCAST SUCKS!!!!

Lunch Break

2008-04-23T12:58:00.000-06:00

Guess what I just learned, I can add blog posts while I am at work. Don't worry for all those who are concerned, I am on my lunch break. I am not sure I really have anything to say, I just pretty much signed on to see if this was possible.

Today I am feeling a little tired and slightly discouraged. I am not exactly sure why. Nothing horrible has happened and I average 7 hours of sleep per night. I guess I am starting to think about what will happen if I don't actually get a teaching job in Washington. It is scary to think about even though I have really wondered if I even want to teach. I guess the hard part is picturing myself doing something different. I wonder if I have skills other than working with children. I guess now would be a good time to find out. The bottom line is, I have made the decision to move to Washington and I feel good about that decision, so I will leave it in the Lord's hands.

Well, I best be going. The lunch bell will ring soon.

An Accomplishment

2008-04-19T21:44:00.000-06:00

A weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I just finished editing my Masters project. After typing everything out, I ended up with 49 pages. I am amazed I was able to write so much. This week will involve me gathering all of the required documentation. After that is complete, my project will be ready to be turned in.

I want to thank my Momita. She went through all of my entries and edited them for me. Her suggestions really enhanced what I had already written. I really could not have done this without her. I needed her perspective to see the mistakes I had made and to validate the work I had done. My Momita is so awesome! I would be lost without her!

The Ocean

2008-04-13T16:47:00.000-06:00

I just watched this very cheesy surf movie, "Blue Crush." I am not going to sit here and tell everyone it is the best movie in the world because it isn't, but it made me realize how much I love the ocean. For the past three years I have been completely surrounded by land. This is the first time in my life I have been land locked. Honestly, I feel trapped here. I can't wait to move back to the coast!

What I really love about the ocean is its power and majesty. I find it amazing something can be so calm yet terrifying at the same time. When I lived in Hawaii I loved crossing the street to just sit and listen to the waves. I would try to go every Sunday to read my scriptures and I will cherish those experiences. When I lived in Oregon, I would drive an hour just to feel the peace of water breaking.

For those who know me, they know I am not much of a nature girl. I don't get the urge to go hiking or to play in the leaves. The urges I get to be outside always draw me to water. I can't explain it. Maybe it is because the waves remind me so much of my own life. There are the moments when life is calm and the most beautiful shade of turquoise. Then there are the times when my life is a sea of gray towering waves. No matter what, it is constant and life giving.

My story

2008-04-05T12:29:00.000-06:00

For those of you who I complained to, you know I had to write a story about polygons for my math class. I decided since Ny gave me the idea to write about pirates, I would post my story. It is now here on my site, underneath my guardian, Spike. I hope you enjoy.

Aflame

2008-04-04T19:29:00.000-06:00

I have to post this next brief message just because it makes me really excited. I have officially starting applying for teaching jobs in Washington. I just sent out my first official application yesterday and I got word today BYU Hawaii sent my placement file out. (I was worried about this.) Also, I mailed all of my materials to Washington to get certified there. It is so exciting. I wish I knew other words to express how I feel about this move. I just had a brilliant idea, I will use a thesaurus. Give me a sec, here are a few of my favorites: hopped up, thrilled, on fire, wild, and delighted. Good times!

Graduation

2008-04-03T20:29:00.000-06:00

I just received word I will be able to participate in the graduation ceremony at SUU on May 3. I am so very excited.

News

2008-03-31T21:07:00.001-06:00

I have two bits of information:

One, my phone stopped working yesterday. It was very strange, one second it worked, the next it didn't. I went to Verizon today and got myself a brand new phone. It is an orange enV. It is pretty awesome. I still need to get used to it, but I am looking forward to experimenting.

Second, Maroon 5 once again canceled. I am very bummed. If they keep canceling shows, I may have to cut them out of my life. Well, that is a bit drastic, but I will think about it anyway.

An Awakening

2008-03-30T21:00:00.001-06:00

I experienced a very interesting phenomenon this weekend. It is called the "interesting expectations of the sexes in the McCarrey family." I read about this on my Aunt's blog but had yet to experience it until now. It is interesting how subtly this creeps up, but creeps it does. I will give you an example. My brother and I got up at about the same time on Thursday morning and both got home at the same time. We are all with me, right? Somehow my grandparents are very sympathetic to his level of tired but don't seem to care about mine. A simple example, I know, but a real experience.

Here's another. I asked grandma if I could use the iron. She showed me where it was and let me go to it. After I have ironed the wrinkly clothes, I turn off the iron and put my close away. I can back to the living room at which point my brother announces he should iron as well. My grandma then proceeds to offer to iron his shirt, pants, and anything else he needs. Then she calls out to my other brother and asks if he needs anything ironed. While I expected to iron my own clothes I was surprised at the obvious manner in which I was not offered help.

I must admit, I was a little annoyed, but oh well. I guess the point is I was completely shocked by this. Why as a girl am I expected to iron my own clothes, help with the food, do dishes, but the boys are allowed to be pampered. Honestly, I don't want to sound like I don't love my grandparents or like a feminist, I just can't believe I never saw this before. It is like my Aunt expressed in her blog, there is a standard for the men of the family and a different one for the boys. (My Momita who has also experienced this phenomenon, said the same thing to me today.) I find it difficult however to do the right things in their presence because expectations are not stated and differ by gender.

Maroon 5

2008-03-25T21:34:00.000-06:00

Exciting news! Maroon 5 is coming back to Utah and I am going to see them. I am so excited. Also, they just added tour dates for this summer. Maroon 5 will also be playing in Seattle sometime this summer. If all goes according to plan, I will be able to see them in Seattle with my sister and parents. I am so incredibly excited!

Thoughts

2008-03-23T22:59:00.000-06:00

I was sitting in church today listening to music and talks about the Savior, and I thought, I really want others to know I have a testimony of the atonement and resurrection. I think about my life and who I am and I have come to the conclusion none of it matters without the Savior. He is the reason I wake up and strive to be better each day. I would be so lost without the relationship I have with my Savior. It is such a blessing to have this knowledge. I think I often take the knowledge I have for granted because I was raised to know. While I was reading the first verse of Enos last night, I was struck by one simple word; he says he was nurtured. I was also nurtured and how blessed I am as a result. I know the goodness of God and His great mercy. I will never cease to be amazed at how lucky I am to have been born of goodly parents and taught the knowledge of God.

Disturbing Dreams

2008-03-22T23:05:00.000-06:00

I had a very disturbing dream last night. I dreamt I had just come home from church with a few friends so I went to change. After I had changed, I went into the living room where one of my girlfriends was and one of my guy friends. (The strange thing about dreams is I have never seen this guy before, but I know we were good friends.) The guy looks at me and gets this shocked look on his face. He said, "Wow, I didn't realize you were so small. I always thought you were a lot bigger than you are. I never asked you out because I didn't want to date a big girl. We should go out sometime, I think you may be the girl I have been waiting for." My reaction in the dream was, "That would be fun."

I know this is just a dream but I am really bothered by it. First off, I know I am a curvy girl and I am finally okay with that. Second, why would I ever agree to go out with some guy who only wanted to date me because I lost some wieght? I guess I am just really upset with myself. I know I shouldn't be because this was a dream, but still don't I have any self respect in dreams?

I am also disturbed because I am realizing this may be a hidden fear of mine; guys don't want to date me because I am not a stick. I guess I worry people aren't able to look beyond the size 16 they see before their eyes. I don't want someone who would only date me if I was a size 10. I know I will never be that small and honestly I am okay with that. My issue is I had this dream and as a result my thoughts have been plagued by this silliness all day.

Adventures in Teaching

2008-03-21T16:16:00.000-06:00

I thought I would take a moment and share some of the adventures I have had in teaching this week.

My students were asking me once again if I was married. I let them know once again, I am still single. This lead to much murmuring among my students. After offering the only male staff at school as an option (all three are married and much older than me) one brave soul raised his hand. After calling on him, he offered me his 25 year old brother's phone number. Finally I was able to get the class back on track. At afternoon break this student came up to me with his brother's number and reminded me he was in the navy. Then he said to me, "My mom says everyone loves a man in uniform," and went to use the restroom. This totally cracked me up. Although I appreciate the offer, I will not be calling the brother.

On Wednesday this same student came into math class and said, "Miss McCarrey we have a problem, Kierstin is hatin' on you." He then proceeded to tell me all of the things she had supposedly said. Another student overheard, and said "That's what you were saying." Interesting. I let it go, because really who cares! After lunch this same day one of my homeroom students came in very troubled. He told me there was a student talking "smack" about me on the soccer field. He really couldn't understand why, because I am "the nicest teacher in the whole school." (Side note, this very same student was staying home from school because his teacher picks on him.)

As far as the "hatin'" goes, I have a few different reactions. One, I wonder who it is and what I could have done to upset them so much. Two, I must admit I felt a little bit sad. Three, who cares? My self esteem is not based on what a bunch of 12 year olds think of me. Fourth, I am pretty sure the student who is talking smack has a crush on me. Here are my reasons: he brought me a Coke for no reason, he visited me during parent conferences, came to school sick on Valentine's Day just to see me (yes, he told me that), he cut his hair when I cut my hair (yes, he told me he cut his hair just for me), and he bought me some pirate cupcakes. Maybe he is now upset because I made it very clear to my class sixth graders were way too young for me. (They were hoping I would hook up with a student I had a while ago who also had a crush on me.)

One final thought, why are young boys and old men attracted to me? Why can't I captivate the attention of a man my own age?

It's over!

2008-03-13T18:32:00.000-06:00

I officially survived my video lesson. I actually think it went really well. My kids all participated with me, the lesson was long enough, and best of all, no one threw up.

Stress

2008-03-12T19:18:00.000-06:00

I am totally stressed out right now. Tomorrow I am filming the small group lesson for my Master's project. I have planned everything out, I know which students will be in my group, I have all of the materials ready, but I am still worried. I keep having these horrible flashes of the lesson going wrong, the lesson not being long enough, and I even thought what do I do if someone throws up? Perhaps I am being little too dramatic, but I am really worried about not actually passing. I know right now my GPA is fabulous, but I still have to do a stellar job on my project. Another upsetting issue, is I have to review the video and then analyze it. I really hate seeing myself of film. My one comfort is tomorrow at this time, it will be over and I will be preparing to watch "Lost".

Matchbox Twenty

2008-03-11T21:45:00.001-06:00

I know it has been a few days since I wrote anything. Life seems to have suddenly caught up with me. I spent all of Saturday doing homework. My weekend was not terribly exciting for that very reason. Rest assured, this is not the topic of my blog today.

Last week I experienced something for the very first time. I went to a real concert. Yes, I have been to see Everson, but this was a completely different experience. I got to see Alanis Morisette and Matchbox Twenty perform live. It was so awesome! Alanis played for about an hour. She played classics like, "Ironic", "Jagged Little Pill", and "Uninvited". She also did her take on a Fergie song which was really funny. I have never really been an avid Alanis fan, but it was pretty amazing.

The highlight of the evening was definitely Matchbox Twenty. They played for two hours. They covered some of their new songs and most of my favorites. It was so cool to hear "Real World" live. Rob Thomas is amazing! (I am sorry I keep using the same adjectives over and over again, but they fit so well!) I think going to this concert has just made me crave them. I want to go to concerts all of the time. I love the energy of the crowd, hearing good music, singing along at the top of my lungs, and being swept up in memories. If you have never had the chance to attend a concert, I highly recommend it.

Things I don't Understand

2008-03-04T20:58:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about something for a while now but I haven't written about it yet because I don't want to upset others or come off as hypocritical or bitter. Unfortunately these thoughts keep coming back and I find the only way to clear my mind is to actually write down what I am thinking. In advance, I am sorry if I upset anyone who might read this, but at the same time I am not going to apologize for having the thoughts.

When I first moved to Oregon, I went with my ward to the Temple. After the session the Bishop's wife came up to me and told me I wasn't allowed to wear my earrings in the Temple and to not wear them there ever again. About two months ago my coworkers found out I had two tattoos and of course I got the typical responses which included the rolling of the eyes and everything else. So, a week ago I was wearing a headband at work which has skulls on it. One of my coworkers said to me, "You look cute, but you better not wear that headband to the Temple."

Why bring all of this up? I guess because it really bothers me that my spirituality and worthiness to enter the Temple is determined by my outward appearance. I feel as though I am constantly being judged because I don't fit the cookie cutter mold of Mormon society. I have tattoos, I like skulls, I have two ear piercings in one ear, I'm 26 and single, and I am curvy. Why should any of this matter? I so often feel as though people only see my physical appearance and forget underneath it all I am a good person and yes I am worthy of my Temple recommend.

I try really hard to be a good Latter-day Saint. I do what I believe to be right. I just don't understand why my personality and my looks are so important that people have to "remind" me how best to behave. In reality, I never even planned on wearing the headband to the Temple and my tattoos are always covered (unless I am swimming). If at any point I felt like something was inappropriate I would stop. Why can't people trust me enough to make the decision?

Concerts

2008-03-01T20:46:00.000-07:00

I promised Ny I would write last night. Of course I am a slacker and didn't, so I thought I should hurry and write before Ny never forgives me. Last night I went to an Everson concert. They did an excellent job. By the end of the concert it was obvious Tay was in a lot of pain. I went up to him after the show to offer him some pain meds and he looked paler than I do on a good day. Apparently none of them were feeling very well but that didn't stop them from completely jamming out. Tay was on his knees at one point playing. Christian even used the microphone stand to play the bass. John was giving the audience high fives and Sean was busy rocking out on his guitar. The only one who didn't really rock out was Will. I am not sure if this is because he plays the drums and can't really move around. He still sounded pretty awesome. I didn't really get to talk to any of them for very long. The band left pretty quickly due to "feeling like crap." Hopefully they all made it home and were able to get a good nights rest.

In other exciting news, Amanda and I got tickets to go and see Matchbox 20 preform on Thursday with Alanis Morisette. I am very excited. This will be by first professional rock concert. I can't wait to be able to brag to everyone I saw Matchbox 20 live. I wonder if Rob Thomas is really as cute as he appears in magazines.

Good Times

2008-02-27T19:51:00.000-07:00

I have some very exciting news. I got my tax refund a few days ago. (Side note: It is pretty cool to check your bank account and see more than a hundred dollars .) Anyways, I got enough back that I have been able to do a few wonderful things. Number one, I went to Old Navy today and bought 3 pairs of badly needed pants. Second, I have been able to complete my collection of the show Smallville. (Side note: I love Lex Luthor. I know he is bad, but there is a little rebel in all of us. If he had just met me, I know I could have convinced him to turn to the light. All he needed was someone to truly love him.) Third, for some reason I the purchase I made for my CTR ring has not gone through, so I just purchased a new ring. Fourth, I can put money back into savings to pay my tuition this semester. Fifth and possibly the most exciting, I just paid off my computer. It feels so good knowing I have done that. I have always made my payments, but it is good to know it can't be repossessed.

On a completely different note, I am able to walk this year. My professors have been telling us for a while we wouldn't be able to walk until 2009 but it turns out they were wrong. I just sent my graduation application and check to SUU today. Hopefully it will get there in time. If all goes according to plan, I will be walking on May 3. If things don't work out, I'll be back next year for all of my graduation ceremonies. I will keep everyone posted. Wow, can you believe I will soon have a Master's degree? I am going to be Master McCarrey. How cool is that?

Everson

2008-02-22T20:49:00.001-07:00

Right now I am sitting here listening to the coolest band ever. The band is called Everson. They just put out a CD titled "Lost Melodies." These guys are really talented. The lyrics to each song are beautifully written and blend so well with all of the elements in the band. I highly recommend this band. You should check them out on myspace. (http://www.myspace.com/theplanis)

Rings

2008-02-21T17:38:00.001-07:00

I have some good news and some sad news to report. I will start off with the sad so you can finish reading this feeling happy. I lost my CTR ring about two weeks ago. I know it is just a ring but this ring saw me through some pretty tough times. I got her my senior year of college and she stuck with me through student teaching, my life in Oregon, and my first two years of Utah. She has become a part of me. My finger has even molded to fit her perfectly.

It has been two weeks now and I am ready to come out out mourning. I just ordered a new CTR ring on line. It is Hawaiian style and here is a shocker, it's pink! I am so excited to get my new ring. My finger is so bare and lonely right now. You know, I even find myself rubbing my finger where my ring used to be. (Phantom feelings again, I must move on to a more cheerful subject.)

I have gotten myself a new lucky ring. As you all know my last lucky ring brought nothing but bad luck. I need to call the good luck back into my life so I got a new and improved ring. This ring has six diamonds on it and every time I look at it, I just feel lucky. My students even asked me about it one day. I informed them this is not a wedding ring (not that I wear it on the left ring finger) but it is my lucky ring. They now want lucky rings too. Knowing the faith of children and that they believe this ring is lucky reassures me I have at last found my lucky ring.

Motivation

2008-02-20T21:07:00.000-07:00

I feel as though I am constantly confessing things on my blog. Usually my confessions involve being addicted to something. Todays confession is slightly more serious, I am completely unmotivated. I am not sure how it happened but it did. It feels like I went to bed one night and woke up the next morning completely and hopelessly unmotivated. Usually you can see something like this coming but I was completely blindsighted. Honestly, being unmotivated really doesn't bother me unless I need to accomplish something. Right now I have a wide variety of things I should be doing with my time. I have a Masters project to complete, grading to do, and applications to complete. Yet I find myself coming home from work so completely exhausted I can't think clearly. Instead of getting things done, I do nothing whatsoever productive. How do I get over the the desire to do nothing and actually do something?