Because of Him

"I know that my Redeemer lives!  What comfort this sweet sentence gives." - Samuel Medley  What more can be said than this, this Easter Sunday? 

Growing up

Ever since I became an "adult" I have been asked this question many times, "Where are you from?" or some variation like "where did you grow up?"  It seems like a simple enough question but it has caused me to ponder the best answer.  I am from California which I proudly admit but I don't consider that the place I grew up.  If I was to be honest I feel like I grew up in Hawaii.

When I left home to attend BYUH, I feel like I was a shell of who I became.  High school left me bruised, broken, scarred, and just all around not whole.  I needed to get away from that environment and I am so glad I chose Hawaii.  The moment I overcame the fear and loneliness that inevitably follows leaving home for the first time, I began to heal. 

Hawaii helped me realize that I needed to figure out who I really wanted to be.  For the first time in my life it became okay that I was me.  I noticed I could make new friends but not only that people wanted to be friends with me.  I didn't have to sacrifice or fade into the back in order to fit in.  I felt free to have fun and to participate without the fear of being judged.  I was able to become more than a shell and it was amazing.  I finally grew in a meaningful way.

I am sure college changes people but I don't think I would have turned into the same person if I had been in another location.  Hawaii was the place prepared for me to grow up.  California was the place that prepared to become.

Mad Men

Oh my do I have a guilty pleasure, yes I speak of Mad Men.  I don't know what it is about this show, none of the characters are all that wonderful of human beings.  The characters drink all the time and smoke like chimneys, they have no moral values, and the men treat the women as objects, things to be used.  I mean in all reality I would never be friends with these people, but I can't help that I love them.  I find joy in the fact Mad Men is well written and fabulously acted.  Oh how I love you!  I would stay away but my roommate gave me the first season for my birthday and the addiction has been reborn.

Forgiveness

As you can tell from my last post, this year has not been the best.  In fact things have gotten worse and I admit I had a little bit of an emotional break down last Friday and considered having another one yesterday.  I do however feel like I am learning something very important.

Last night as I was thinking things over and trying to figure out what I need to change.  I keep thinking there must be something wrong with me that people are finding me difficult to talk to/work with.  It is an overwhelming task when you start to list your faults and hope to pinpoint the one that is giving you the most problems.  I know, probably not the healthiest choice but I don't consider myself to have the best mental health anyway (which is perhaps a topic for another blog post, Taylor if you read this go crazy with your psychology training but we don't need to have a therapy session.). 

This is all leading me to what I was able to conclude after pondering and praying.  There are a lot of things which have happened over the past 2 years working with these people, well one in particular, and my feelings have been hurt repeatedly.  I have been holding on to these things, I think because I am a sensitive, emotional person but also because in ways it fuels the fire.  What I mean is holding on allows me to feel more upset when this person does things.  I know that sounds strange but I believe there are times in all of our lives when we want an excuse to be mad and we want to find  person to blame our misery on. 

Let me add though, this person is just a small part of my life and for the most part I don't spend much time thinking about her.  It is just all of this holding on leads to the moment when the walls holding it in break and that is where I am at.  It is obvious now what I need to fix in my life?  It was to me too, I need to let go.  I realized I need to let go and move on with my life.  Not just move on but forgive her for the things which have hurt me.  I know it seems so simple but that actual act of forgiveness isn't.  I am realizing to forgive is more than accepting an apology or expecting one it has to do with changing my own mindset, my heart, and the way I react to the people (in this case person) who I need to forgive. 

For me to change and to forgive is not an easy thing.  But I know it is the right thing and I know it is something I can control.  I realize I also need something in my life I have control over.  That is all I can control at the moment, my reactions and how I treat those who are difficult.

School

I was lying in bed hoping for sleep to come but I knew it wouldn't.  I am too stressed/frustrated/annoyed for sleep to come.  My goal is to get it all out, no matter how disjointed it may be and then finally find the peace of my dreams.

Let me start by saying I was dreading the school year all summer, basically because I am moving from a year round calendar to a traditional one.  There is something to be said for having breaks in the middle of the year.  My body, mind, and spirit has always appreciated and welcomed those periods of rest.  I knew it was going to be a challenge but I have made this transition once before and survived and I know I will again, at least I hope I will.

About a week before school started I started getting really sick and I just haven't felt the same since then.  (on the plus side I have lost some weight)  Then there was a ton of drama at work having to do with scheduling.  The truth is it was only one teacher out of thirteen who was causing the drama.  I thought everything was settled, I have been doing groups for two weeks and things seemed fine.  Which brings me to today.  My coach stopped by to say hi and see how things are going and then informed me the other Reading Specialist was going to talk to me about second grade small group because it is just not working.  I was so annoyed.  Once again this teacher is making a big fuss and now people are going behind my back to do what?  I can't change the schedule without affecting several other teachers.  Fortunately my coach assured me I would not be changing my schedule.  So what is there to discuss.

Perhaps that doesn't make sense to anyone but it doesn't need to, I just feel so frustrated.  I was under the impression that I worked with adults not high school students.  I also thought I was an approachable person.  I guess not.  I am realizing what it really comes down to is a lack of professional (maybe even personal) trust my colleagues have in me.  I am so tried of being second guessed and talked down to.  There is a particular person at work who always has to verify what I say and then is shocked when oh guess what, I was right. 

I think the real reason I dreaded this coming of this school year is because of the people I have to work with.  I dread having to see people because they are rude and unprofessional.  I don't know what to do.  Actually I do, I just don't want to.  I hate confrontation but I see it can't be avoided.  I don't want to get emotional or say anything offensive but I also know I need to protect myself.  If I don't take control now, I will never survive this year.  We are only three weeks in and I want so desperately for it to be over. 

I hope and pray I will be able to move schools next year.  The thought of having to work with these people for more than this year is more than I can bear!

Homesick

Last night I as I was driving home I had the strongest wave of homesickness hit me.   I had a similar feeling again tonight.  It is strange because I have lived on my own for so long, I can't even remember the last time I felt like this.  I think it is a combination of the start of another school year, being sick for what seems like forever, and knowing my parents will soon be heading back to Washington.  As I typed that last part I realize that is the biggest reason.  What a weenie I have become.  I know I will survive without them here, but I don't want to.    I was thinking tonight how nice it would be to visit my parents whenever I wanted.  Get a hug when I am in most desperate need.  I guess the truth is I am not homesick but parent sick. 

I can't believe I am turning 31 soon and I want my Mommy and Daddy.  I suppose some things never change.

Wicked

Today I went down to Capitol Theater and saw "Wicked".  It was pretty spectacular and I have to say the musical is so much better than the book.  In fact I am not even sure how they were able to turn that book into something so delightful.  I actually liked the characters while watching the musical and thoroughly enjoyed the ending.  The actresses who played Elphie and Glinda were amazing, they belted those songs out with such power.  Although I admit it took me a little while to appreciate their voices as I am used to listening to Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth.   I was a little disappointed in the actor who played Fiyero.   It is not that he was a bad actor but his voice was not as powerful/deep as the other leads. 

If you are looking for a good musical and a wonderful time, I recommend seeing "Wicked", but skip the book.