Morning Commute

While commuting (I feel so adult) to work this morning, I was listening to a book on tape. This particular book is by an LDS author, I think the series is The Great and Terrible. (Side note, I don't typically read this type of book, but a friend had all of the CD's and handed them to me before I knew what I had agreed to listen to.) Anyways, this morning in the story, one of the main characters was wondering around lost in a storm in the mountains and in the moment when she was about to give into to her despair her father appeared (he had recently been killed) and put his arms around her to lift her up. It made me think of the times I have felt my Heavenly Father's arms around me, lifting me up and giving me the courage to fight on. I also had to wonder how many times I have been oblivious to those comforting arms. This morning I was reminded in an unexpected way that I am loved and my Heavenly Father has his arms around me. He is and has lifted me up and because of this I can go on and find my way.

Warm Fuzzy

I had a new sister visit tonight at the church and while I was waiting for the Relief Society president to open the door two of the men in the ward approached the door. After I hung up the phone with the RS pres, one of the boys said, you gave a really great talk a few weeks ago and the other agreed. I was pretty much stunned especially since I had forgotten about the talk and thought they were talking about last weeks lesson. I hope I recovered adequately. Anyways, I got a very warm fuzzy. Then the RS pres opened the door and they went to play basketball and I went to talk to her.

Two-edged Sword

I had a good doctor's appointment today. The doctor confirmed something I suspected that I have rheumatoid arthritis (hereafter call RA). I thought I was prepared for hearing the news but it turns out it is different when the doctor comes in with a pamphlet and a diagnosis. I am so glad I now have a name for my situation. At the same time, reality has hit, this is something that will never go away. This is now a part of my life that I cannot change. To be honest, I am not sure I would change it. I already feel more empathetic and sympathetic to people with chronic pain. I know how I feel and I honestly don't know how Dad can even function. You know, I am also pretty sure I volunteered for this in the premortal life. I can't explain why exactly, but I have a feeling I was eager to prove I would be faithful no matter what. I will prove that.

I also learned today there is a good possibility I have arthritis in my back. The doctor is doing a ton of blood work and he is checking for a genetic marker which would indicate it. I'm not sure what he will find, but he said he would help me feel better. I admit I still have my fears about treatment and diagnosis but I will trust him. More importantly I will trust my Savior who has told me in blessings that I will find doctors and treatments to help me throughout my life. I was also told I would lead a reasonable life and strength would return. I know whole heartedly I will survive this because of faith, the gospel, and my family. I can't imagine what I would do if I didn't have those things in my life.

Tomorrow

Well, tomorrow is the big day; I finally see a rheumatologist. I am so glad because (although this violates my resolution not to complain) I am in a lot of pain at the moment. Anyone want some hands slightly used and puffy? I am trying to keep calm. I may have built this up to be the cure. I have been praying and fasting that all will go well tomorrow. I am worried about getting the same response I usually get, which is "I don't know". That would really suck. I will go in with faith. Maybe I won't walk away feeling satisfied, but I sure hope I do. Some relief and medical opinion will be nice.

 

Wish me luck!

Velocity

My life is once more complete! It has been about a year since I could last say that. It feels so good being able to acknowledge this. I finally have a bottle of my perfume. That's right, I shelled out the $30, went to a Mary Kay representative and made my purchase. Just seeing the bottle brings me joy! I can smell it right now. Every whiff and sniff brings me another memory. Velocity, it's good stuff. I hope any time you smell it you think of me!

Resolution #1

Last night, or should I say, early this morning, I was laying in bed trying to sleep when this thought came to me. Probably because it is January I have been thinking about my life and what I should be doing to be a better person. Maybe better is not the right word, I want to be more well rounded and actively show faith in my Heavenly Father. My first resolution is to begin using the word when instead of if. I realized last night when I use the word "if" I am saying, I don't believe the promises Heavenly Father has made to me. I do trust my Heavenly Father and it is time I start showing that in all aspects of my life and thoughts.

Here are some examples:
If I get married, will now be when I get married.
If I have children, when I have children.

This Christmas

I can't believe my three week break is almost over. Just 2 more days :( I have had so much fun! I was given so much for Christmas. So many thoughtful gifts, things I can never repay. I have to admit the best part of this holiday season has been spending it with my family. I hate to see them go. When I graduated from high school I was so eager to leave, but now (and I think then, even if I didn't acknowledge it) I am a home body. If there was any way I could have a career, friends, and my parents and siblings near by, I would do it. I keep praying that someday we will all live close to one another. I'm grateful we are together forever! I am also enjoying all of the lovely new memories I have made.

Here are a few:
crates with holes drilled in, chimps, keeping your hands clean, kitten sacrificing, keeping my brother in the closet, 1000 pin bowling, fake cheese sauce, the uses of leftovers in Grandpa's fridge, the dollar theater, Dr. Horrible's singalong blog, Night of the Living Dead, lost gloves, chocolate covered pomegranate seeds, 24 hour car trips, and Crocodile Dundee.

Good times!

P.S. Thank you Captain for the laptop (which is why there have been so many blog posts)!