More Time on My Own

So, I was left alone again. I thought instead of looking at Vera

Wang, I would look at LDS dresses. I found some and I am feeling

even more like a loser because I obviously have no one in my

life and this could totally freak some guys out, but oh well!

I think my favorite might be the shorter one. With the right shoes

and cute nails. Oh man, maybe I look up some pictures of guys

and pick one out too.

I Shouldn't Be Left Alone

So I know I am pretty much a loser and shouldn't be allowed any alone time. I just watch Bride Wars and was thinking, what do I want my wedding dress to look like. Also, what sort of engagement ring would I want. I admit I looked at some dresses, but nothing struck my fancy. I did find some awesome rings. Oh man, I do love the bling! If I can figure out how, I will post the pictures of ring possibilities. This way, when I meet someone and he is smitten, you can just send him here and then surprise me. (PS, I found these at Jared's)

Missy MooMoo

I have just been sitting here thinking about my little sister. I am so grateful that she finally came to our family. I used to pray that I would get a sister but I kept getting brothers. Not that I don't love them, but there always seemed to be something special about having a sister. I would imagine us talking about boys, arguing over borrowed clothes, and giggling into the night. But that is not what I got. Missy MooMoo didn't come until I was almost 12, so the years we were supposed to have those "hallmark" moments, she spent learning to walk and talk. Then when she could finally have conversations with me, I went to college. I sort of felt jipped of that special sisterly thing I had always wanted.

Now the years have passed and she is getting ready to graduate from High School. I have the sister I always wanted. It is not the relationship portrayed on TGIF, it is ours. She has been such a strength to me. She sees the best in me always. She forgives me for my failings and is there in a way that other people can't be. We actually have inside jokes and special songs. We aren't the sisters who fight over borrowed clothes (let's face it she is taller and thinner) or stay up into the night giggling. I think we're better.

I am so grateful for my Missy MooMoo. She took a long time coming but she came at the right time. She is my sister forever and I love her in all my heart!

Exciting News

I have a new favorite actor/man of my dreams. His name is Tom Hardy. He's in Inception and my personal favorite Wuthering Heights (although he has terrible hair in that). He is just so handsome with the most magical voice and those eyes! Oh man! I could go on and on, but that is not why I am excited. I just read he is going to be playing Bane in the new Batman movie. I can't wait to see Tom on the big screen again or the little screen for that matter.

Shield

I have been sitting here thinking about something Momita said to me yesterday. She said she felt like I had put up a shield and she knew I wouldn't say what I was really feeling. I realize I do that a lot and it's not because I don't trust people or that I am worried about how others will react but it because I love them and don't want anyone else to be responsible for my burdens. I feel like there are bigger issues out there that everyone is dealing with and that should be the focus.

Here is the truth, I am scared. I don't know how to even express what I am thinking and feeling beyond that. How do you fully express what it feels like to know your own body is attacking itself? How do you tell others you don't trust your body? When is it the right time to tell people you are worried you won't be able to hold hands with the love of your life someday? I worry that the RA will come to define who I am and how others treat me. I don't want to be seen as different or treated as if I am fragile, but in the end that's what I am. I am scared I will loose my independence. I know I have others in my life, but I am the one who takes care of me, how do I let go of that control? When do I tell others that I have this disease? Do I tell people, if I do who do I tell and what do I say? I have no answers yet these thoughts and feelings swirl around my head.

Yet at the same time I can't help but feel so grateful for my Heavenly Father. He blessed me with such a wonderful family and good friends who are so supportive of me. I know there have been many prayers offered on my behalf and I have felt strengthened and uplifted. I know beyond anything that I have been blessed of the Lord. Through round about means, I found a doctor who believed me and found me a rheumatologist. I was given a job that is perfect for what my body can handle. In Washington, I was blessed to have a Visiting Teaching companion who is my age and also has RA. I can testify I am encircled in the arms of my Savior.

Having said that, I don't know how to balance what I feel physically with my faith. I have heard many times faith is the absence of fear so if that is true, does it mean my faith isn't adequate? I guess life is just one day at a time and I know there will be good days and bad days. Without the mix, there would be no progression and that's why I am ultimately here; to progress enough to make it back home.

Emergency Room

I had the fun experience of going to the Emergency Room yesterday. On Saturday afternoon my feet started itching pretty terribly followed shortly by the palms of my hands. I took some benadryl and put on some anti-itch cream on my hands and feet. Nothing helped. As soon as I woke up I looked up some home remedies to try. I ended up taking a bath with a can of evaporated milk which did help a litte, but the relief did not last long. I went to the store for more medicine and tools the Internet suggested. Needless to say nothing helped. The itching came and went.

I decided I needed to go to bed but the itching was far too intense and I made the decision that I needed some medical attention. I am pretty sure I was having an allergic reaction to the new medicine I have been taking for my RA. Fortunately there was no waiting at the ER and I was able to get in right away. The doctor told me to stop taking the new medicine and also prescribed me a steroid to take for the next four days. I was given some in the ER as well. The itching hasn't completely stopped but it is so much better. I think as soon as the medicine I have been taking gets out of my system and the steroids do their thing, I will be much better.

Pretty crazy, my first trip to the ER. I am glad it was for nothing more serious.

Memories

I am being swept away by memories from the past. Amanda and I watched the Saved by the Bell wedding last night. I forgot how much I love Zack. I still don't understand why Zack and AC were friends with Screech. They just don't fit. I am currently watching the Dr. Quinn movie. Oh man, that Sully! I am just realizing, I have too many memories that involve TV shows. I think I might need a life.