Break Down

I decided that today I would have a break down. You would think that break downs would happen spontaneously, but it turns out they can be scheduled. Are you ready, because it is about to happen.

Agenda

Leo (present)

Item 1: Nila. She needs to retire. She is making my life miserable and forcing me to make different plans for my life because she can't see the she should no longer be teaching. I keep telling myself it's not intentional, but when I told her about my plans (to move schools if I have to be split between two schools next year, which will likely happen because she won't retire) she said, "Well, I'll miss you."

Item 2: Cheryl. She is the lady I work with at the other school. We had a meeting today and she mentioned that Stansbury had finished their staffing plan and there were openings. I asked her what openings there were because I might go back into the classroom. She rolled her eyes and started talking to someone else. She has done this to me all year. I keep saying it's not intentional but everyone else just goes on and on about how wonderful she is, so it must be me. Am I really that hard to work with?

Item 3: I want to have just one day where I won't feel bad for even having these thoughts. I am tired of feeling bad because I get upset with these people. I feel like there is something wrong, I should be more Christlike or patient. I need to stop being so sensitive. It is just so frustrating, especially since I am going to feel guilty even writing the first two items.

Item 4: I know I have made it a goal not to complain (which I haven't been so successful at) but RA sucks. I am so tired which is probably adding to the increased sensitivity to these situations. I don't want to hurt and I don't want my body to change. I don't want the future to come with me being an invalid. It is just all around hard, especially knowing that my RA could lead to other things like heart failure, fibromyalgia, and who knows what else.

Conclusion. The break down will continue for the next few minutes off computer and then life will return to normal.