News

I have two bits of information:

One, my phone stopped working yesterday. It was very strange, one second it worked, the next it didn't. I went to Verizon today and got myself a brand new phone. It is an orange enV. It is pretty awesome. I still need to get used to it, but I am looking forward to experimenting.

Second, Maroon 5 once again canceled. I am very bummed. If they keep canceling shows, I may have to cut them out of my life. Well, that is a bit drastic, but I will think about it anyway.

An Awakening

I experienced a very interesting phenomenon this weekend. It is called the "interesting expectations of the sexes in the McCarrey family." I read about this on my Aunt's blog but had yet to experience it until now. It is interesting how subtly this creeps up, but creeps it does. I will give you an example. My brother and I got up at about the same time on Thursday morning and both got home at the same time. We are all with me, right? Somehow my grandparents are very sympathetic to his level of tired but don't seem to care about mine. A simple example, I know, but a real experience.

Here's another. I asked grandma if I could use the iron. She showed me where it was and let me go to it. After I have ironed the wrinkly clothes, I turn off the iron and put my close away. I can back to the living room at which point my brother announces he should iron as well. My grandma then proceeds to offer to iron his shirt, pants, and anything else he needs. Then she calls out to my other brother and asks if he needs anything ironed. While I expected to iron my own clothes I was surprised at the obvious manner in which I was not offered help.

I must admit, I was a little annoyed, but oh well. I guess the point is I was completely shocked by this. Why as a girl am I expected to iron my own clothes, help with the food, do dishes, but the boys are allowed to be pampered. Honestly, I don't want to sound like I don't love my grandparents or like a feminist, I just can't believe I never saw this before. It is like my Aunt expressed in her blog, there is a standard for the men of the family and a different one for the boys. (My Momita who has also experienced this phenomenon, said the same thing to me today.) I find it difficult however to do the right things in their presence because expectations are not stated and differ by gender.

Maroon 5

Exciting news! Maroon 5 is coming back to Utah and I am going to see them. I am so excited. Also, they just added tour dates for this summer. Maroon 5 will also be playing in Seattle sometime this summer. If all goes according to plan, I will be able to see them in Seattle with my sister and parents. I am so incredibly excited!

Thoughts

I was sitting in church today listening to music and talks about the Savior, and I thought, I really want others to know I have a testimony of the atonement and resurrection. I think about my life and who I am and I have come to the conclusion none of it matters without the Savior. He is the reason I wake up and strive to be better each day. I would be so lost without the relationship I have with my Savior. It is such a blessing to have this knowledge. I think I often take the knowledge I have for granted because I was raised to know. While I was reading the first verse of Enos last night, I was struck by one simple word; he says he was nurtured. I was also nurtured and how blessed I am as a result. I know the goodness of God and His great mercy. I will never cease to be amazed at how lucky I am to have been born of goodly parents and taught the knowledge of God.

Disturbing Dreams

I had a very disturbing dream last night. I dreamt I had just come home from church with a few friends so I went to change. After I had changed, I went into the living room where one of my girlfriends was and one of my guy friends. (The strange thing about dreams is I have never seen this guy before, but I know we were good friends.) The guy looks at me and gets this shocked look on his face. He said, "Wow, I didn't realize you were so small. I always thought you were a lot bigger than you are. I never asked you out because I didn't want to date a big girl. We should go out sometime, I think you may be the girl I have been waiting for." My reaction in the dream was, "That would be fun."

I know this is just a dream but I am really bothered by it. First off, I know I am a curvy girl and I am finally okay with that. Second, why would I ever agree to go out with some guy who only wanted to date me because I lost some wieght? I guess I am just really upset with myself. I know I shouldn't be because this was a dream, but still don't I have any self respect in dreams?

I am also disturbed because I am realizing this may be a hidden fear of mine; guys don't want to date me because I am not a stick. I guess I worry people aren't able to look beyond the size 16 they see before their eyes. I don't want someone who would only date me if I was a size 10. I know I will never be that small and honestly I am okay with that. My issue is I had this dream and as a result my thoughts have been plagued by this silliness all day.

Adventures in Teaching

I thought I would take a moment and share some of the adventures I have had in teaching this week.

My students were asking me once again if I was married. I let them know once again, I am still single. This lead to much murmuring among my students. After offering the only male staff at school as an option (all three are married and much older than me) one brave soul raised his hand. After calling on him, he offered me his 25 year old brother's phone number. Finally I was able to get the class back on track. At afternoon break this student came up to me with his brother's number and reminded me he was in the navy. Then he said to me, "My mom says everyone loves a man in uniform," and went to use the restroom. This totally cracked me up. Although I appreciate the offer, I will not be calling the brother.

On Wednesday this same student came into math class and said, "Miss McCarrey we have a problem, Kierstin is hatin' on you." He then proceeded to tell me all of the things she had supposedly said. Another student overheard, and said "That's what you were saying." Interesting. I let it go, because really who cares! After lunch this same day one of my homeroom students came in very troubled. He told me there was a student talking "smack" about me on the soccer field. He really couldn't understand why, because I am "the nicest teacher in the whole school." (Side note, this very same student was staying home from school because his teacher picks on him.)

As far as the "hatin'" goes, I have a few different reactions. One, I wonder who it is and what I could have done to upset them so much. Two, I must admit I felt a little bit sad. Three, who cares? My self esteem is not based on what a bunch of 12 year olds think of me. Fourth, I am pretty sure the student who is talking smack has a crush on me. Here are my reasons: he brought me a Coke for no reason, he visited me during parent conferences, came to school sick on Valentine's Day just to see me (yes, he told me that), he cut his hair when I cut my hair (yes, he told me he cut his hair just for me), and he bought me some pirate cupcakes. Maybe he is now upset because I made it very clear to my class sixth graders were way too young for me. (They were hoping I would hook up with a student I had a while ago who also had a crush on me.)

One final thought, why are young boys and old men attracted to me? Why can't I captivate the attention of a man my own age?

It's over!

I officially survived my video lesson. I actually think it went really well. My kids all participated with me, the lesson was long enough, and best of all, no one threw up.

Stress

I am totally stressed out right now. Tomorrow I am filming the small group lesson for my Master's project. I have planned everything out, I know which students will be in my group, I have all of the materials ready, but I am still worried. I keep having these horrible flashes of the lesson going wrong, the lesson not being long enough, and I even thought what do I do if someone throws up? Perhaps I am being little too dramatic, but I am really worried about not actually passing. I know right now my GPA is fabulous, but I still have to do a stellar job on my project. Another upsetting issue, is I have to review the video and then analyze it. I really hate seeing myself of film. My one comfort is tomorrow at this time, it will be over and I will be preparing to watch "Lost".

Matchbox Twenty

I know it has been a few days since I wrote anything. Life seems to have suddenly caught up with me. I spent all of Saturday doing homework. My weekend was not terribly exciting for that very reason. Rest assured, this is not the topic of my blog today.

Last week I experienced something for the very first time. I went to a real concert. Yes, I have been to see Everson, but this was a completely different experience. I got to see Alanis Morisette and Matchbox Twenty perform live. It was so awesome! Alanis played for about an hour. She played classics like, "Ironic", "Jagged Little Pill", and "Uninvited". She also did her take on a Fergie song which was really funny. I have never really been an avid Alanis fan, but it was pretty amazing.

The highlight of the evening was definitely Matchbox Twenty. They played for two hours. They covered some of their new songs and most of my favorites. It was so cool to hear "Real World" live. Rob Thomas is amazing! (I am sorry I keep using the same adjectives over and over again, but they fit so well!) I think going to this concert has just made me crave them. I want to go to concerts all of the time. I love the energy of the crowd, hearing good music, singing along at the top of my lungs, and being swept up in memories. If you have never had the chance to attend a concert, I highly recommend it.

Things I don't Understand

I have been thinking about something for a while now but I haven't written about it yet because I don't want to upset others or come off as hypocritical or bitter. Unfortunately these thoughts keep coming back and I find the only way to clear my mind is to actually write down what I am thinking. In advance, I am sorry if I upset anyone who might read this, but at the same time I am not going to apologize for having the thoughts.

When I first moved to Oregon, I went with my ward to the Temple. After the session the Bishop's wife came up to me and told me I wasn't allowed to wear my earrings in the Temple and to not wear them there ever again. About two months ago my coworkers found out I had two tattoos and of course I got the typical responses which included the rolling of the eyes and everything else. So, a week ago I was wearing a headband at work which has skulls on it. One of my coworkers said to me, "You look cute, but you better not wear that headband to the Temple."

Why bring all of this up? I guess because it really bothers me that my spirituality and worthiness to enter the Temple is determined by my outward appearance. I feel as though I am constantly being judged because I don't fit the cookie cutter mold of Mormon society. I have tattoos, I like skulls, I have two ear piercings in one ear, I'm 26 and single, and I am curvy. Why should any of this matter? I so often feel as though people only see my physical appearance and forget underneath it all I am a good person and yes I am worthy of my Temple recommend.

I try really hard to be a good Latter-day Saint. I do what I believe to be right. I just don't understand why my personality and my looks are so important that people have to "remind" me how best to behave. In reality, I never even planned on wearing the headband to the Temple and my tattoos are always covered (unless I am swimming). If at any point I felt like something was inappropriate I would stop. Why can't people trust me enough to make the decision?

Concerts

I promised Ny I would write last night. Of course I am a slacker and didn't, so I thought I should hurry and write before Ny never forgives me. Last night I went to an Everson concert. They did an excellent job. By the end of the concert it was obvious Tay was in a lot of pain. I went up to him after the show to offer him some pain meds and he looked paler than I do on a good day. Apparently none of them were feeling very well but that didn't stop them from completely jamming out. Tay was on his knees at one point playing. Christian even used the microphone stand to play the bass. John was giving the audience high fives and Sean was busy rocking out on his guitar. The only one who didn't really rock out was Will. I am not sure if this is because he plays the drums and can't really move around. He still sounded pretty awesome. I didn't really get to talk to any of them for very long. The band left pretty quickly due to "feeling like crap." Hopefully they all made it home and were able to get a good nights rest.

In other exciting news, Amanda and I got tickets to go and see Matchbox 20 preform on Thursday with Alanis Morisette. I am very excited. This will be by first professional rock concert. I can't wait to be able to brag to everyone I saw Matchbox 20 live. I wonder if Rob Thomas is really as cute as he appears in magazines.