Hallmark

I have decided I need to start patterning my life after Hallmark movies, in particular the movie I watched today.  I am not sure exactly how to make it happen but I know the outcome I desire.  Somehow I am going to hire a guy to come home with me for Christmas and introduce him to my family as my fiance.  Of course pandemonium will ensue, my family will find out and be disappointed.  Don't worry, they will soon get over their disappoint while both of us realize we actually are in love and would like to get married.  So, if any one knows an eligible man, send him my way.

Hamlet

For my birthday I got some money.  I had planned to buy some shoes or a new purse with the money, but alas, my many searches were in vain.  I decided instead to spend the money on my love of movies.  So far I have purchased two but I still have money to purchase a few more.  I am very excited, especially since the two I ordered ("That Thing You Do!", Kenneth Branagh's "Hamlet") have already arrived. 

It is the second movie, Hamlet, that has prompted this post.  I had a friend who once insisted that Mel Gibson's Hamlet was the best.  Sure it is good, but it in no way compares to Kenneth Branagh's version.  It is truly spectacular.  I feel Shakespeare would be pleased to view his work acted in such splendor.  While watching, I have a desire to re-read the play so that in my imagination can run wild with Danish princes, vengeance, ghosts, friendship, and love.  I do feel that my dreams would pale in comparison with the vision I see before me now.

I highly recommend it and would let anyone borrow it.  Just know it is very precious to me and won't be held responsible for my actions should anything happen to it.

Change

I think my whole life has been spent trying to be what others expect me to be.  I find I don't say what I really think in case that might alter someones perception of me.  I keep my opinions to myself to avoid arguments.  I apologize for things I am not even sure I should apologize for to make peace when I reality I am the one hurting.  I wonder who I would be if I hadn't trained myself to be this person.  I guess the question really is, do I let myself be free of this facade and let the bricks fall where they may or do I hang on to what I know and find peace in the place I have created? 

I have recently been contemplating change.  I feel there is so much of myself that needs to change, but I don't know how.  I don't want to be stuck in this rut.  It seems to be a vicious cycle filled with the same thoughts and actions.  I know change is hard, but I know I must.  I think change brings growth and perspective, which I am in desperate need of.  I feel like a 30 year old stuck with a high school mentality when I really want to be 30 flirty and thriving.  So how do I get there?

Charlotte Bronte

I am currently re-reading Jane Eyre and I have come across some great lines.  "He made me love him without looking at me" (pg. 176).  Maybe you have to be a girl to completely understand this.  I can't tell you how many guys I have "loved" but who haven't raised their eyes to meet mine. "... and yet, while I breathe and think I must love him" (pg. 177).  I look forward to feeling like that.

Anyways, I know these lines are a little sappy but I love them anyway.  I feel like I can relate to the character of Jane and to Charlotte herself.  I look forward to meeting Charlotte and her sister Emily.  I have a feeling we would get a long well.

3 Days In

I am ending my third day of the Sugar War and so far so good.  I have to admit the first day was the worst.  I am pretty sure I craved sugar all day but the last two days have been pretty good.  My mouth didn't salivate today when someone offered me a cookie.  Also, I am pleased to report that Saturday I had some peppers for a snack and today it was watermelon.  I think the natural sugar is helping me fight the sweet tooth. 

I am pleased so far and hope I can keep this up.  Actually, I know the only reason I have made it these past few days is because the Lord is helping me.  I know I can't win this war by myself and I am glad I have finally enlisted the help I need. 

This is War

My war against sugar starts in the morning.  I have waged this war and successfully kept the enemy at bay for a few months but defeat has always come.  I realize though, that this is a battle that I must engage in.  I have been reading from the Church's addiction recovery manual, and I believe that I have an addiction to sugar.  I don't think it runs my life but I find that when I am having a bad day at work or feeling bad about myself, instead of dealing with those things, I eat something sugary.  

Anyways, wish me luck, there are some bleak days ahead.

Pain Medicine

I decided I would experiment today with my pain medicine.  I wanted to see if I really needed to take it.  I must say the day started off well.  Now having done my chores for the day, I find I must take some.  So sad.  Oh well, I am now wondering should I just take it in the morning like I have or wait until I feel the pain.  Part of me thinks to take it in the morning so I don't have to feel any pain.  It seems like once the pain gets enough that you know you need the medicine it just takes forever for it to go away.  My goodness, decisions, decisions.

Who Am I?

I was watching a DVD and the question came to my mind, who am I?  I have to admit I am not always sure but I have some thoughts.  I realized tonight, through this silly show (Vampire Diaries) that there is strength in knowing who you are.  When we pretend we become vulnerable to our weaknesses which can over take us.  I was thinking how  much stronger I would be as a person, if I could admit that I have certain tendencies and work to change/overcome them instead of bury them.  It seems that no matter how hard you try to keep that something hidden, it always peaks out. 

I guess what I am saying is that I need to embrace all of me so that I can know fully who I am and not just know who I am but be that person.

Sorry this probably makes no sense to anyone, but there it is, me.

Love Languages Revisited

I received an email today from Leila talking about the Language of Love and a link to read a little more about what it all means.  I followed the link and took a little quiz. Apparently I love when people spend quality time with me but I also love to get gifts.  I scored a 10 on quality time and a 9 on receiving gifts.  One different answer and my love language would be gifts. 

It seems so silly but to make me really happy you could bring me a present and then spend some time with me, but please don't touch me! (I only got a 2 (out of 12) on that one, physical touch)

New Stakes

I had the chance to go to the Conference Center tonight for a meeting about the new YSA stakes that are being formed.  I am excited for the change.  I think it will be a good thing for boundaries to be enforced and for University wards to be dissolved. I am not sure how I feel about being in a bigger ward, but I am looking forward to the possibilities.

At the meeting I realized a few things.  The first is that I am officially released from my calling.  Part of me is glad because the past few weeks I haven't felt a part of the presidency.  We rarely met which made it hard for me to know exactly how and who to serve.  At the same time I am sad because I have really loved being a part of the Relief Society in this way.  I never had a testimony of Relief Society until this ward and I don't want to loose that.

The second thing I thought was, this is it.  I have one more year before I graduate from the YSA program.  Once you turn 31 it seems as if the Church gives up all hope in you.  I never even thought that I would face graduating from the Singles Ward, but deadline is not far off.  One more year and then where do I fit as a member?

The last thing I thought of is based on something Elder Ballard said about letting go of fear of the future and walking in faith.  I realize I am afraid, not of what will happen around me but that I won't be able to contribute or that I won't ever move from this stage of life.  Elder Ballard also said we need to lower our standards and stop looking for perfection because it's not there.  It was so nice to hear these things because that is what media says we should be doing.  It is like a movie being played over and over again in my head, you must have a man like Horatio Hornblower to be happy, which isn't the case.  I need to find someone who will help me grow towards the perfection we all seek and someone who will let me help him.

Anyways, I suppose only time will tell what life brings.  In the mean time I am excited for the changes and can't wait to meet my new Ward.

Auschwitz

On Sunday James and I started this documentary about the German concentration camps, specifically Auschwitz; I finished it today.  I think in many ways I have been "sheltered" from what really happened there.  Obviously I have learned the basics in school but I was appalled by what I learned.  I have been trying to wrap my mind around the thought that a group of people could be so cruel to another group for no reason other than they were different.

There were SS guards from Auschwitz interviewed and they talked so matter of factly about how they participated, as if it made the most sense in the entire world.  I understand they had a charismatic leader who they believed but at some point wouldn't you question the torture and killing of at least children?  I am trying to understand the need for self preservation as well, but my mind can't accept letting others die because of my fear.  (I am so glad I will not have to judge those men and women.)

It makes no sense to me at all.  I was thinking while watching how Heavenly Father must have looked upon our world and wept while at the same moment Satan did a dance of joy.  I think how Heavenly Father must continue to weep because of the cruelty of man.  I am glad the Holocaust is over but I realize the same things are happening in the world today.  I can't help but think of my student from the Sudan who witnessed things no child should ever see. 

I have never seen myself as an activist, but I have to wonder what more can we do?  What can I do?

TayTay

Last night I went to Tay's last concert, Everson and The Indecision were awesome.  I was impressed with all of those who participated, especially Tay and Jimbot.  At the very end it finally hit me that Tay is leaving Utah.  I can't believe it and I really don't want him to.  It has been so nice getting to know my brother.  I am not sure how well I knew him before these past few years, but he has become my friend and someone who I can count on.
It has meant so much to me to know if I needed a blessing he would be willing.  I have loved having someone to brave family activities with.  I think of the times he came to my classroom and inspired my students with his love and passion for music.  Of course I remember a few times wanting to strangle him but I think that is the nature of family.

I am going to do my best not to cry (I realize that is a loosing battle, but at some point I have to show the tears they are not the boss of me) when we say goodbye next week.  I am glad this is not a goodbye I'll never see you again.  I am grateful for the knowledge we are brother and sister forever and that we have more time to continue to build our relationship.

Good luck in the great northwest TayTay!  I just want you to know you are loved and I am rooting for your success.  I know you will be an amazing psychologist and that your gifts will help many people.  On a side note, thank you for moving to a place with no sun, I am tired of being the whitest person in the family. 

Conclusion

Tonight the Captain and I went to Burger King, I put my Sprite on the stable arm rest and sat down only to have it flip upside and land on my cushion.  Both my seats were wet, it was not cool.  This is just the latest in a serious of unfortunate events.  Last week my fry sauce magically fell all over that very same seat cushion.  That too was resting innocently on the arm rest.  Don't worry it doesn't stop there, a Cherry Pepsi met a similar fate as did a Cherry Limeade and a Fruit Punch.  (I have now been banned from having any red liquid.) 

Given these events I can only draw one conclusion, I am being haunted.  There is no other explanation.  I am obviously not that clumsy, someone is trying to keep me from fully enjoying soda and fry sauce.  I am not sure who the ghost is yet, but as soon as I solve this mystery I will let you know.

PS Not that this matters, but I have been watching a lot of Ghost Whisperer.

A Dream

I really wish I had my own stylist.  I would like someone to make my hair look gorgeous and do my make up.  If I can't have that, I want someone to pick out all of my outfits so I look good everyday.  Of course I will have to make tons of money for this dream to come true or land a role on a hit TV show.

Letter

Dear Boys,

There are many questions I would like to ask, but being as I don't any of you personally, I am hoping this will somehow reach you.  Did any of you take to heart what was said in General Conference?  To paraphrase, "get off your lazy, selfish bottoms and ask out the beautiful women that are around you."  Perhaps that is a little off, but I really hoped that many of my wonderful amazing friends would actually get asked out on dates.  Apparently the message didn't sink in.  (Sorry, really trying not to sound like a bitter girl, but someone has to say it.)

Don't worry, I don't place all of the blame on you.  I think girls have issues too and we need to make ourselves available.  So, here I am making myself available.  I know I am not a super model and have even been called a "sweet spirit" so if that doesn't appeal I know lots of other girls.   Amazing women who would make beautiful companions.

Now, if we are having an honest conversation, which I think we are, what is wrong with me?  I know I may be a "sweet spirit" but I don't think I am hideous.  I know I am chubby but in my mind that means curves in all the right places.  I am educated, have a good job, I attend church regularly, and I am temple worthy.  I try to be friendly and talk to people I don't know.  I have a good sense of humor and in general I would say I am a good person.  I know I am an independent person but I am learning to rely on others.  I won't ever be a high maintenance girl which seems to be a mark in the "not for me column" but I think a girl should be able to take care of herself.

I promise to give you a chance all I am is asking is for you to do the same.

Sincerely,

Me 

My Own Twin

I made an observation tonight while in class, not only do I look like my mom but so does my handwriting.  My mom is just so awesome that my spirit must be trying to copy her in every way that it can.  So silly, I wonder what trait I will develop next. 

I Get the Hint

I think someone is trying to tell me something.  Our Relief Society lesson and our FHE lesson tonight were on honesty.  In general I don't view myself as a dishonest person but perhaps there are things on could work on, little tweaks you could say.  I'm not sure what because I don't tell out right lies and if I do fib the truth it is because I don't want to hurt the person.  I guess I better take the hint and exam my life and weed out all of the sarcasm and little white lies.

The Language of Love

I was having a conversation with some friends tonight (don't die of shock, yes I was out of the house and yes I have more than one friend.) and for some reason the language of love came up.  I have heard of this before but learned that there are 5 ways people express love and generally one way is most prominent for a person.  The girls I was sitting with were easily able to say how they express love.  You know, I am not sure I fit into any spot.  I'm definitely not physical, I have a hard time finding ways to serve, and I don't remember the other three but they weren't me either. 

I was just thinking, I hope the people I love know that I love them.  I know I am not the best communicator, but I sure do love a lot of people and I hope in my way it comes across.

Sorry

Something strange is going on. My last post had paragraphs in it, but for some reason it won't publish with them. Sorry, you have to read what looks like a really long entry.

911

This week has been crazy, actually only yesterday was crazy but the drama seeped into today. Nila came in to work yesterday (late) and told me she fell out of bed. Right away I knew I needed to be concerned. I went and told Pauline that I was worried about her and she came down and we convinced her to go home. During the course of this Nila began to fall asleep, mumble incoherent things, she was shaky, and all sorts of not good. Pauline ended up calling the paramedics who came and took her away on a stretcher. I think we were all, the paramedics included, worried she was having a stroke. Not cool! Nila called me today and she was in complete denial about what happened yesterday. She sounded very angry. I told her I would never do anything unless I felt it was for her own good and she said she knows that and doesn't blame me. However she does think yesterday was a conspiracy set up by Pauline to get her fired. (She said it was all a set up because the ambulance go there so quickly.) She also said Pauline is trying to write her up as some sort of drug addict. It was a pretty crazy conversation. She still insisted all of this even after I told her she was incoherent and we were all very worried about her. I had really hoped yesterday would be a wake up call for her and that she would admit it is time to retire. I wish there was some way I could help her see this. I have expressed my concern to her and also let her know she is far more important than this job, but she still insists on coming to work which puts herself and the students at risk. Part of me wishes I didn't care but I love the crazy lady. She is on my mind constantly and there is nothing I can do or say that will help this situation. I am honestly afraid that I will come into our room one day and she will be collapsed on the floor. She doesn't see that, instead she sees the world ganging up on her. I guess I just don't know what to do or say anymore. I just pray her heart can be softened and that she recognizes what is really happening to her.

The Fish

I am sure you have all noticed the fish on the side of my blog. They are my new pets, I had to get rid of Spike. Anyways, they will follow your pointer around and if you click on the water it will leave bits of food. Please feed them every time you visit. I know they'll appreciate it.

Swatch

I got a huge box in the mail today. I mean anyone who saw this thing would assume it was filled with many different goodies. Indeed it was, it was filled with tons of packing peanuts and the watch I ordered two Fridays ago. That's right, a watch, just a tiny little thing packed in a box probably a hundred times bigger than necessary. But it's all good, it was an unusual choice in box for an unusual watch. My new watch is pretty awesome, one of the straps is super long, comically long (I mean that literally because when it is off my wrist and I look at it, I laugh). Yes, it is that way on purpose. The long strap wraps around my wrist twice so it looks like I am wearing a watch and a bracelet which is pretty awesome!

I know once you all see it you will want one for yourself, so to give you a chance I will tell you where you can get one of your very own. Go to store.swatch.com and it will be on the very first screen, it's the Lady Collection. Sorry boys, probably not the right choice for you, but ladies I recommend it.

Follow up

Before I get some emails, phone calls, or text messages, my break down is over and I am feeling much better. I think blogging helps.

Break Down

I decided that today I would have a break down. You would think that break downs would happen spontaneously, but it turns out they can be scheduled. Are you ready, because it is about to happen.

Agenda

Leo (present)

Item 1: Nila. She needs to retire. She is making my life miserable and forcing me to make different plans for my life because she can't see the she should no longer be teaching. I keep telling myself it's not intentional, but when I told her about my plans (to move schools if I have to be split between two schools next year, which will likely happen because she won't retire) she said, "Well, I'll miss you."

Item 2: Cheryl. She is the lady I work with at the other school. We had a meeting today and she mentioned that Stansbury had finished their staffing plan and there were openings. I asked her what openings there were because I might go back into the classroom. She rolled her eyes and started talking to someone else. She has done this to me all year. I keep saying it's not intentional but everyone else just goes on and on about how wonderful she is, so it must be me. Am I really that hard to work with?

Item 3: I want to have just one day where I won't feel bad for even having these thoughts. I am tired of feeling bad because I get upset with these people. I feel like there is something wrong, I should be more Christlike or patient. I need to stop being so sensitive. It is just so frustrating, especially since I am going to feel guilty even writing the first two items.

Item 4: I know I have made it a goal not to complain (which I haven't been so successful at) but RA sucks. I am so tired which is probably adding to the increased sensitivity to these situations. I don't want to hurt and I don't want my body to change. I don't want the future to come with me being an invalid. It is just all around hard, especially knowing that my RA could lead to other things like heart failure, fibromyalgia, and who knows what else.

Conclusion. The break down will continue for the next few minutes off computer and then life will return to normal.

Matilda

I had a pretty awesome dream last night. Amanda and I both had baby girls. (Which I think should happen in real life, because I want our kids to be born a the same time so they can grow up together and be best friends!) My little one was so cute! She had red (orange? for the sake of this, I shall say copper) curly hair. She was a toddler who let me carry her around and she kept hugging me. It was pretty cool, but for some odd reason her name was Matilda. Yeah, don't know where that came from. All of this is pretty darn amazing, but the best part is I was married to a guy named Noah, who was a super spy. That's right, my own James Bond. He narrowly escaped a fire ball to join Matilda and I at a Ward function. What more can a girl ask for?

A District Visit

I have to admit, today started off slightly stressful. Because of various of circumstances I was already running late and who should appear but the head the reading department. The first words out of her mouth were, "I am here to shadow you." No pressure right. Fortunately she only observed one group and she didn't even stay for the whole group. When she was leaving all she said to me was "It looks like they're getting it. They're doing great." I haven't heard anything else, so I assume I still have a job.

To be honest, I really think she was there to observe Nila. The reason I think this is because Carla followed Nila to two groups and Nila has also had some complaints since she has been back. I really wish Nila would admit it is time to retire. Unfortunately I think if she can't admit that, she is going to continue to be followed around and probably have to deal with more and more complaints.

Fraiser

My morning ritual has begun to include watching an episode of Fraiser. I don't know what it is but there is just something about that show. This morning's episode was awesome! I actually laughed out loud. My favorite part of the episode is when Fraiser dresses up like a clown, grabs a butcher knife and scares his dad. Oh man, I almost died. (I am sure that reading this doesn't capture the beauty of that scene, but just thinking about it brings a smile to my face. If I knew how to link a youtube video, I would find it and post it.) That moment totally made my day. I am convinced if you laugh first thing in the morning, the day will be bright.

If I Had Cast the Movie Twilight

I know, completely random, but I have had been the one in charge of the casting the Twilight movies things would have been very different. I am not sure what brought this thinking on other than I love the books and the movies don't do them justice.
My choices:
Edward: Henry Cavill (the new Superman but to me he will always be the Count's son)
Jacob: Steven Strait (the main guy in The Covenant. He is the perfect "big" Jacob but I think they would have had to use special computer affects to make him look scrawny enough for Twilight.)
Bella: Emily Browning (she is the girl from the movie, The Uninvited. Let's be honest, anyone is better than Kristen Stewart!)
Emmett: Taylor Kitsch (Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights, Gambit, he just needs a hair cut.)
Jasper: Hayden Christensen (I am still debating on this one. Jasper is one of my favorites and he may be changed later on, but for now this works.)
Alice: Alexis Bledel (Gilmore Girls, I do wonder how she would look with short, spiky hair. She may get changed as well. Alice and Jasper are so hard to cast because I have an ideal in my mind and the two playing them right now are so wrong!)
Rosalie: Sophia Myles (Isolde)
Carlisle, Esme, and Charlie can stay as they are.

I may have to go read the books again.

Copy Machines

One of the assignments I have for my current class is to be a discussion leader. Obviously that means I have to lead a 40 minute discussion in class, so I had to prepare discussion points and find outside resources. In addition I needed to make copied of all of this for the people in my group (about 11 copies). I prepared for my discussion on Saturday, Monday, and this morning. I finally felt prepared, printed off my copy and headed off to school to make my copies.

I arrived in the copy machine got everything started only to get the dreaded misfeed message. I cleared all the misfeeds I could find but the machine kept insisting their was something more. The other teachers in the room encouraged me to give up and let the office know. I then proceeded to the Rizo (which is used for massive amounts of copying and is rather annoying for small amounts). I made about have of the copies I needed when another teacher came in who needed to make some copies for her class, since I wasn't in a hurry I let her cut in front of me. She made her copies, left, and I went back to making copies. Two copies later, that machine broke. No more copy machines left to try.

I went back to my office to just print what I needed. I opened my file to find that the font was completely different from what I had already made copies of. (You would think that Word would have all the same fonts, but no). By this point, I was far too frustrated to continue and just compiled what I had. Fortunately I had one complete packet for my teacher. I hate the copy machines at work!

Don't worry though, I survived my thing and my teacher was very understanding.

Team of Rivals

I recently started a new book called Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln. I have heard good things about this book and have been interested in learning more about Abraham Lincoln. To be honest I picked up this book out of selfish reasons, I am hoping to learn from Abraham Lincoln how to create a better working environment. Obviously he was able to create an amazing "team" of people who had every reason not to work together. Hopefully I will get some insights that will help me in my relations at work.

Anyways, I am only on chapter 2 but I am already surprised by how little I know about this man. When I picture Abraham Lincoln I see a stern face, the stove top hat, lanky limbs, and I guess you could say concern in his eyes. I had no idea he liked to tell stories and that people enjoyed listening to these stories. He would laugh and tell jokes and lounge on peoples' sofas (I guess I shouldn't say people, friends). For the first time I am seeing him as a "man" not the stone like god I have created in my head.

I have to say I am a little apprehensive to continue reading because I don't want my ideal to be shattered. I do love seeing Abraham Lincoln as a normal person, but I do worry that the author will somehow portray him in a negative light. I don't want my hero to be torn down. But, I have committed myself to the book and must press forward. Who knows, maybe he will be built on an even higher pedestal after I have finished.

Valentine's Day

I must admit I traditionally don't care for Valentine's Day. Probably because I have never had a date or the possibility of one. In the past I have stuck to calling it "Single Awareness Day", but this year my thinking is different. As per usual, I was sitting on bed thinking, when I realized I am grateful we have a day to celebrate love. True this day is typically reserved for romantic love, but I would like to dedicate my celebration to all of the ways I feel love in my own life. I think the best way to express this is to create a list.

I feel love for my students. I love that their minds are still open to the joy of learning. Life and experience has not jaded them yet. Plus I love that they wave to me in the hall and rush to give me hugs. (Sometimes I feel like a celebrity with all of the waves and shouts I get.)

I love that I am getting to serve in the Relief Society and actually gain a testimony of the program. I have a genuine love and concern for all of the sisters in my ward, which is something I have never experienced before.

I love that I have a roommate who puts up with me and still wants to hang out with me. I love her generosity and compassion. I love the strength of her testimony and that fact that she is always striving to be better. I also love that she cooks me delicious meals on Sunday and that she brings home Taco Bell almost every Friday.

I love my family. I love that we are together forever. I love that I learn from them, cry with them, laugh with them, and sit in silence with them. I love that I don't have to pretend or hide who I truly am. I love that my family prays for me and uplifts me. I love that they tell me they love me and encourage me constantly. I love that they see the best in me, in fact they see things that I don't.

Of course I feel love for my Savior and Heavenly Parents. What would the point of this life be if it weren't for the love they freely give me?

When I sit and think about how my life is so full of love I realize that it isn't "Single Awareness Day" but it is "I realize that I am not alone day". I am grateful that love is more than romance that is laughter, understanding, faith, family, friendship, hope, joy, peace, and so much more.

No Poo

When I got my hair cut last week, I asked the stylist about shampooing my hair, you know how often and that short of thing. She recommended a routine called No Poo. What you do is rotate between using only conditioner and only shampoo. If you wash your hair every other day, the first time you would use just conditioner, treating it like shampoo, and the next time you wash your hair, you would use only shampoo. Following this routine will create healthier curls and replenish moisture. I am not sure if this technique works for people with straight hair but she said it is really great for curly hair.

Another suggestion she made is to pin up part of your hair while it is drying because with curly hair it drys flat at the top because the curls are weighted down. She said to take a few sections and kind of bunch them up (it is hard to explain in writing, but she showed me what she meant) and clip them there while the rest is drying. This is supposed to create more fullness along with perfectly formed curls.

I have decided to be brave and try her suggestions. I have to admit, I am a little afraid of the only conditioner because it seems like it would make your hair look greasy and kind of gross. I chose to do it though because if it does look horrid, I can always wash my hair again. So, tonight I washed my hair with only conditioner and part of it is pinned up right now. From what I can tell, my hair seems awfully curly tonight and it doesn't look greasy. Amanda tried it the other day and she said her hair was less frizzy, so we will see what happens. I am excited though because curly hair can be pretty frizzy and dry with some odd curlings in there. Hopefully tomorrow I will have a good hair day!

Things That Are Annoying

There are a few things on my mind right now and they are all things I find annoying.

1. Spending 5 or 6 hours working on sub plans on a Saturday only to find out the sub didn't even show up to teach my groups while I was gone. My groups just ended up going with the other reading specialist.

2. I hate to say it, but having the other reading specialist come back to work at Beehive because all she does is talk to me which makes it difficult to get things done.

3. Weather changes. The snow is horrid to drive in plus it hurts like there is no tomorrow.

4. I keep spilling drinks.

5. My log in to view my paycheck isn't working, yet my work email log in is working. They are the exact same.

6. I'm annoyed and that annoys me!

Quickie

The more I think about it, the more I think I like the last dress the best.

More Time on My Own

So, I was left alone again. I thought instead of looking at Vera

Wang, I would look at LDS dresses. I found some and I am feeling

even more like a loser because I obviously have no one in my

life and this could totally freak some guys out, but oh well!

I think my favorite might be the shorter one. With the right shoes

and cute nails. Oh man, maybe I look up some pictures of guys

and pick one out too.

I Shouldn't Be Left Alone

So I know I am pretty much a loser and shouldn't be allowed any alone time. I just watch Bride Wars and was thinking, what do I want my wedding dress to look like. Also, what sort of engagement ring would I want. I admit I looked at some dresses, but nothing struck my fancy. I did find some awesome rings. Oh man, I do love the bling! If I can figure out how, I will post the pictures of ring possibilities. This way, when I meet someone and he is smitten, you can just send him here and then surprise me. (PS, I found these at Jared's)

Missy MooMoo

I have just been sitting here thinking about my little sister. I am so grateful that she finally came to our family. I used to pray that I would get a sister but I kept getting brothers. Not that I don't love them, but there always seemed to be something special about having a sister. I would imagine us talking about boys, arguing over borrowed clothes, and giggling into the night. But that is not what I got. Missy MooMoo didn't come until I was almost 12, so the years we were supposed to have those "hallmark" moments, she spent learning to walk and talk. Then when she could finally have conversations with me, I went to college. I sort of felt jipped of that special sisterly thing I had always wanted.

Now the years have passed and she is getting ready to graduate from High School. I have the sister I always wanted. It is not the relationship portrayed on TGIF, it is ours. She has been such a strength to me. She sees the best in me always. She forgives me for my failings and is there in a way that other people can't be. We actually have inside jokes and special songs. We aren't the sisters who fight over borrowed clothes (let's face it she is taller and thinner) or stay up into the night giggling. I think we're better.

I am so grateful for my Missy MooMoo. She took a long time coming but she came at the right time. She is my sister forever and I love her in all my heart!

Exciting News

I have a new favorite actor/man of my dreams. His name is Tom Hardy. He's in Inception and my personal favorite Wuthering Heights (although he has terrible hair in that). He is just so handsome with the most magical voice and those eyes! Oh man! I could go on and on, but that is not why I am excited. I just read he is going to be playing Bane in the new Batman movie. I can't wait to see Tom on the big screen again or the little screen for that matter.

Shield

I have been sitting here thinking about something Momita said to me yesterday. She said she felt like I had put up a shield and she knew I wouldn't say what I was really feeling. I realize I do that a lot and it's not because I don't trust people or that I am worried about how others will react but it because I love them and don't want anyone else to be responsible for my burdens. I feel like there are bigger issues out there that everyone is dealing with and that should be the focus.

Here is the truth, I am scared. I don't know how to even express what I am thinking and feeling beyond that. How do you fully express what it feels like to know your own body is attacking itself? How do you tell others you don't trust your body? When is it the right time to tell people you are worried you won't be able to hold hands with the love of your life someday? I worry that the RA will come to define who I am and how others treat me. I don't want to be seen as different or treated as if I am fragile, but in the end that's what I am. I am scared I will loose my independence. I know I have others in my life, but I am the one who takes care of me, how do I let go of that control? When do I tell others that I have this disease? Do I tell people, if I do who do I tell and what do I say? I have no answers yet these thoughts and feelings swirl around my head.

Yet at the same time I can't help but feel so grateful for my Heavenly Father. He blessed me with such a wonderful family and good friends who are so supportive of me. I know there have been many prayers offered on my behalf and I have felt strengthened and uplifted. I know beyond anything that I have been blessed of the Lord. Through round about means, I found a doctor who believed me and found me a rheumatologist. I was given a job that is perfect for what my body can handle. In Washington, I was blessed to have a Visiting Teaching companion who is my age and also has RA. I can testify I am encircled in the arms of my Savior.

Having said that, I don't know how to balance what I feel physically with my faith. I have heard many times faith is the absence of fear so if that is true, does it mean my faith isn't adequate? I guess life is just one day at a time and I know there will be good days and bad days. Without the mix, there would be no progression and that's why I am ultimately here; to progress enough to make it back home.

Emergency Room

I had the fun experience of going to the Emergency Room yesterday. On Saturday afternoon my feet started itching pretty terribly followed shortly by the palms of my hands. I took some benadryl and put on some anti-itch cream on my hands and feet. Nothing helped. As soon as I woke up I looked up some home remedies to try. I ended up taking a bath with a can of evaporated milk which did help a litte, but the relief did not last long. I went to the store for more medicine and tools the Internet suggested. Needless to say nothing helped. The itching came and went.

I decided I needed to go to bed but the itching was far too intense and I made the decision that I needed some medical attention. I am pretty sure I was having an allergic reaction to the new medicine I have been taking for my RA. Fortunately there was no waiting at the ER and I was able to get in right away. The doctor told me to stop taking the new medicine and also prescribed me a steroid to take for the next four days. I was given some in the ER as well. The itching hasn't completely stopped but it is so much better. I think as soon as the medicine I have been taking gets out of my system and the steroids do their thing, I will be much better.

Pretty crazy, my first trip to the ER. I am glad it was for nothing more serious.

Memories

I am being swept away by memories from the past. Amanda and I watched the Saved by the Bell wedding last night. I forgot how much I love Zack. I still don't understand why Zack and AC were friends with Screech. They just don't fit. I am currently watching the Dr. Quinn movie. Oh man, that Sully! I am just realizing, I have too many memories that involve TV shows. I think I might need a life.

Morning Commute

While commuting (I feel so adult) to work this morning, I was listening to a book on tape. This particular book is by an LDS author, I think the series is The Great and Terrible. (Side note, I don't typically read this type of book, but a friend had all of the CD's and handed them to me before I knew what I had agreed to listen to.) Anyways, this morning in the story, one of the main characters was wondering around lost in a storm in the mountains and in the moment when she was about to give into to her despair her father appeared (he had recently been killed) and put his arms around her to lift her up. It made me think of the times I have felt my Heavenly Father's arms around me, lifting me up and giving me the courage to fight on. I also had to wonder how many times I have been oblivious to those comforting arms. This morning I was reminded in an unexpected way that I am loved and my Heavenly Father has his arms around me. He is and has lifted me up and because of this I can go on and find my way.

Warm Fuzzy

I had a new sister visit tonight at the church and while I was waiting for the Relief Society president to open the door two of the men in the ward approached the door. After I hung up the phone with the RS pres, one of the boys said, you gave a really great talk a few weeks ago and the other agreed. I was pretty much stunned especially since I had forgotten about the talk and thought they were talking about last weeks lesson. I hope I recovered adequately. Anyways, I got a very warm fuzzy. Then the RS pres opened the door and they went to play basketball and I went to talk to her.

Two-edged Sword

I had a good doctor's appointment today. The doctor confirmed something I suspected that I have rheumatoid arthritis (hereafter call RA). I thought I was prepared for hearing the news but it turns out it is different when the doctor comes in with a pamphlet and a diagnosis. I am so glad I now have a name for my situation. At the same time, reality has hit, this is something that will never go away. This is now a part of my life that I cannot change. To be honest, I am not sure I would change it. I already feel more empathetic and sympathetic to people with chronic pain. I know how I feel and I honestly don't know how Dad can even function. You know, I am also pretty sure I volunteered for this in the premortal life. I can't explain why exactly, but I have a feeling I was eager to prove I would be faithful no matter what. I will prove that.

I also learned today there is a good possibility I have arthritis in my back. The doctor is doing a ton of blood work and he is checking for a genetic marker which would indicate it. I'm not sure what he will find, but he said he would help me feel better. I admit I still have my fears about treatment and diagnosis but I will trust him. More importantly I will trust my Savior who has told me in blessings that I will find doctors and treatments to help me throughout my life. I was also told I would lead a reasonable life and strength would return. I know whole heartedly I will survive this because of faith, the gospel, and my family. I can't imagine what I would do if I didn't have those things in my life.

Tomorrow

Well, tomorrow is the big day; I finally see a rheumatologist. I am so glad because (although this violates my resolution not to complain) I am in a lot of pain at the moment. Anyone want some hands slightly used and puffy? I am trying to keep calm. I may have built this up to be the cure. I have been praying and fasting that all will go well tomorrow. I am worried about getting the same response I usually get, which is "I don't know". That would really suck. I will go in with faith. Maybe I won't walk away feeling satisfied, but I sure hope I do. Some relief and medical opinion will be nice.

 

Wish me luck!

Velocity

My life is once more complete! It has been about a year since I could last say that. It feels so good being able to acknowledge this. I finally have a bottle of my perfume. That's right, I shelled out the $30, went to a Mary Kay representative and made my purchase. Just seeing the bottle brings me joy! I can smell it right now. Every whiff and sniff brings me another memory. Velocity, it's good stuff. I hope any time you smell it you think of me!

Resolution #1

Last night, or should I say, early this morning, I was laying in bed trying to sleep when this thought came to me. Probably because it is January I have been thinking about my life and what I should be doing to be a better person. Maybe better is not the right word, I want to be more well rounded and actively show faith in my Heavenly Father. My first resolution is to begin using the word when instead of if. I realized last night when I use the word "if" I am saying, I don't believe the promises Heavenly Father has made to me. I do trust my Heavenly Father and it is time I start showing that in all aspects of my life and thoughts.

Here are some examples:
If I get married, will now be when I get married.
If I have children, when I have children.

This Christmas

I can't believe my three week break is almost over. Just 2 more days :( I have had so much fun! I was given so much for Christmas. So many thoughtful gifts, things I can never repay. I have to admit the best part of this holiday season has been spending it with my family. I hate to see them go. When I graduated from high school I was so eager to leave, but now (and I think then, even if I didn't acknowledge it) I am a home body. If there was any way I could have a career, friends, and my parents and siblings near by, I would do it. I keep praying that someday we will all live close to one another. I'm grateful we are together forever! I am also enjoying all of the lovely new memories I have made.

Here are a few:
crates with holes drilled in, chimps, keeping your hands clean, kitten sacrificing, keeping my brother in the closet, 1000 pin bowling, fake cheese sauce, the uses of leftovers in Grandpa's fridge, the dollar theater, Dr. Horrible's singalong blog, Night of the Living Dead, lost gloves, chocolate covered pomegranate seeds, 24 hour car trips, and Crocodile Dundee.

Good times!

P.S. Thank you Captain for the laptop (which is why there have been so many blog posts)!