Attitude

Perhaps because of the holiday we just celebrated, but I realized I really need to change my attitude. It is so easy for me to focus on the negatives in life and I need to change my thinking. For the past few days I have been focusing on having an attitude of gratitude. There are many things in my life that I would change, but I also know I have been so blessed. I sometimes wonder why I allow myself to complain, because when I really stop to think about life, there are beautiful things all around me. I have been so truly blessed! I have to admit I have moments where I wish I had a different life, but I have come to realize when I stop myself mid complaint, life actually looks pretty good.

Trip

Lately I seem to be taking many trips down memory lane. I can't make much sense of these trips. I am one of those people who likes to live in the present. Sure, I have many things which haunt me but for the most part I recognize my life for what it is and not try to compare it to previous times. I think these trips are because I am starting over in the Northwest for the second time in my life. I really did enjoy my time in Oregon, but I left for a reason and I don't want my time in Washington to be a repeat of that. I guess the real question is how do I learn to enjoy the past without fearing what it means for the future?

My Friends

The other night I watched a video my friends and I had made in Oregon and it hit me how much I miss all of them. They really were the best bunch of friends a girl could ask for.

It is Done!

Today was a very big day for me, I have officially completed my Master's Degree.  All of my assignments have been graded and turned in, plus each of my classes if finally over.  I am very excited by done, but also sad at the same time.  I realized today I won't be seeing my fellow students again for a very long time, if ever.  They really got me through the difficult moments by commiserating with me about teachers and assignments.  It is wonderful that seemingly different people are able to come together and become bonded over a common experience.

My other thought is wow, I have just achieved a life long goal, what do I do now?  What I have really enjoyed about the program is that I have been working towards a specific goal that had a definite beginning and an end date.  I knew exactly what I needed to do in order to make it to the end and I could even see the end.  I wish all of my other goals could be as clear cut.  Such is life!

I am excited though because it means I can finally move on.  I am really looking forward to moving in the next few weeks and starting a whole new life close to my family.  (I couldn't have completed my program without them either.  My dearest Momita listened to many complaints and edited papers for me. )  I am just sitting here realizing, I really have accomplished something wonderful, and it feels amazing!

Thoughts on Feminism

This week I took a class on Educational Philosophy, and I have to say it was pretty interesting. As part of my class requirements I had to give an hour and a half presentation on 3 different philosophers. One of these was a woman by the name of Mary Wollstonecraft (her daughter is the author of Frankenstein). Learning about her brought up a subject I try to avoid, Feminism. I was actually very surprised as I read her thoughts. I have always thought of Feminists as man haters, but I found her views closely echo my own.

Mary Wollstonecraft points out she doesn't want women to emulate masculine virtues but wants women to be educated and be given more opportunities. I completely agree, women should be educated and be allowed to more than a mere fixture in society. I also agree that men and women have different roles to fulfill in the world. I don't think a woman should be the bread winner or the head of a household. I think women should embrace the role they have been given instead of trying to take on the role men have been appointed.

I recognize by writing this I may offend many of fellow sisters, but I am not sorry for feeling this way. I feel society has made the push to respect women and in turn have forgotten to respect men. What is so wrong with being a woman who is educated, intelligent, and wants to be just that, a woman?

Decision

I have made a very crucial decision tonight, and here it is. I am worth it! I don't fit into a mold, I am not a carbon copy of anyone else. Maybe life would be easier if I did fit the world's perception of who I should be. If I let the world determine who I should be, I will never be happy. I want to be who the Lord made me. I am a full figured woman who is independent and sarcastic but is also kind, caring, spiritual, and good. Perhaps the people around me will never see it, but the Lord has opened my eyes and I like what I see. So there you have it, I am me and I am worth it!

Date

It is 2:20 in the morning and I can't sleep for the 3rd time this week. So, I figured maybe my mind will quiet down if I empty it of thoughts. I went on a blind date tonight. The date started off well. We went miniature golfing and then to get shakes at Iceburg. While at Iceburg we got on the subject of cultural traditions and cremation came up. I asked his opinion on the subject and he is totally against it because he doesn't want to destroy his body. I told him I was for it because I don't like the thought of my body rotting away in the ground. I also told him it would be nice to just be twinkled at the Second Coming. His response was maybe I could just be burned with the wicked because it was free cremation. Nice right? I have never had anyone even joke with me about being considered one of the wicked. Needless to say, the night went down hill from there.

On the road to my home he was talking about why he lived in Utah. One of his reasons is because he is single. I asked him why it was good to be single in Utah. Of course his reason was there are more options here. He wondered if I disagreed. I told him I did and that I had more opportunities for marriage in Oregon. He proceeded to tell me the reason was I was too old when I moved here and I am not Utah material.

I know he is just some guy I don't ever have to see again, but he really hurt my feelings. For the past three years I have been trying to convince myself of all the reasons I am single. Then to hear from a boy I am not "Utah material" really makes me question what kind of material I am. Hearing him speak those words was a realization of my worst fears, I am old and I am different. I know I don't fit in here, but I somehow hoped it was just me being over sensitive. I guess I was wrong.

I hope you are all sitting down

Just as the title suggests, I hope everyone who reads this is sitting down. If you aren't you may want to grab a chair before you fall over with shock. Are you ready? I am actually going on a date this week. I am just as surprised as all of you. One of my co-workers has set me up with a friend of hers. He called me last night and he seems like a nice guy. I am looking forward to going out. I haven't been on a date in a very long time. The best part about this one is there is no pressure because I am moving. I just get to enjoy leaving my apartment without worrying if this is going to lead to anything. It is pretty fabulous! I will keep everyone posted.

Career

I have been thinking about a lot of things lately and my mind seems completely bogged down. I am definitely having a hard time concentrating and being motivated to get things done. That is not to say I don't push through and get things done, but it seems more difficult at the moment for whatever reason.

I just finished my first class of the summer. It was a pretty enjoyable experience surprisingly and it has gotten me to thinking. I listen in class and I agree with the things which are being taught and I realize how much I do believe in education and think teachers are pretty amazing. But then I wonder how I got so disillusioned with teaching. I feel like I have become the teacher I never wanted to be. This past year, it just wasn't fun. My students are great kids, but each one had their own set of demanding issues, I don't feel like I reached them. I keep wondering if I taught anything or if I spent my time putting out fires. I realize this means I need to make some changes, but I can't help but wonder if that means a career change for me. I believe a person should be happy at their job and truly enjoy it or what is the point? I am just not sure I have the passion I once did. How do I get that back? Do I just chalk it up to life experience and move on? I know no one has the answer for me and I don't expect anyone to fix the problem. I am lost at the moment and this scares me because I feel like I have always known what I wanted and where I was going, and now I have no clue.

PS I know some of you are going to worry about me when you read this, but please don't. I really don't want any worried phone calls, especially from you Mom.

Zone Therapy

Yesterday, with my momita's help, I took my health into my own hands and saw a reflexologist. For those of you who don't know it is a type therapy based on the belief all parts of the body are connected through the feet. I really didn't know what to expect other than some touching of the feet. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I didn't realize my feet could feel such agony.

Aside from the pain it was a really amazing experience. As she was working different parts of my foot she would bring up parts of the body and what she was learning. I was really hoping she would find something because I feel sick all the time. However, I didn't expect her to find some many things wrong with me. As I listened to what she had to say, I couldn't help but feel grateful I can function as well as I do.

I know this all sounds a little crazy, but she knew things about my health that I hadn't told her. She could tell by my feet I had had braces, problems with my digestive system, anxiety, my blood type, that I clench my jaw, and I have a good memory but I have been having problems concentrating and remembering things. I don't think I have even told anyone about that. It really was amazing. Here is another weird thing. She only touched my feet, but my whole body is sore today. I feel like I worked out for hours yesterday and I know I didn't. She did something and I really don't know how she did it.

Anyways, the point of all of this is I finally feel like someone is listening to me. It is such a relief to know I am not going crazy. I feel like my medical doctors aren't listening and don't really believe me because nothing shows on any test. It was such an amazing experience and I am so happy to finally meet someone who wants to help me get better.

Annoyed

I am so annoyed right now! The sad thing is I am annoyed with the one person I can't get away from, myself. I am so tired of the same thoughts, emotions, answers, and life. I feel like there is a record player in my head that has some how gotten stuck. The same words keep repeating over and over again. I am now so sick of those words it is driving me crazy. I tell myself don't think about that and I get even more bothered because I tell myself that all of the time. Life!

One Thing

I know I wrote earlier, but I have one last thing to say today.

COMCAST SUCKS!!!!

Lunch Break

Guess what I just learned, I can add blog posts while I am at work. Don't worry for all those who are concerned, I am on my lunch break. I am not sure I really have anything to say, I just pretty much signed on to see if this was possible.

Today I am feeling a little tired and slightly discouraged. I am not exactly sure why. Nothing horrible has happened and I average 7 hours of sleep per night. I guess I am starting to think about what will happen if I don't actually get a teaching job in Washington. It is scary to think about even though I have really wondered if I even want to teach. I guess the hard part is picturing myself doing something different. I wonder if I have skills other than working with children. I guess now would be a good time to find out. The bottom line is, I have made the decision to move to Washington and I feel good about that decision, so I will leave it in the Lord's hands.

Well, I best be going. The lunch bell will ring soon.

An Accomplishment

A weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I just finished editing my Masters project. After typing everything out, I ended up with 49 pages. I am amazed I was able to write so much. This week will involve me gathering all of the required documentation. After that is complete, my project will be ready to be turned in.

I want to thank my Momita. She went through all of my entries and edited them for me. Her suggestions really enhanced what I had already written. I really could not have done this without her. I needed her perspective to see the mistakes I had made and to validate the work I had done. My Momita is so awesome! I would be lost without her!

The Ocean

I just watched this very cheesy surf movie, "Blue Crush." I am not going to sit here and tell everyone it is the best movie in the world because it isn't, but it made me realize how much I love the ocean. For the past three years I have been completely surrounded by land. This is the first time in my life I have been land locked. Honestly, I feel trapped here. I can't wait to move back to the coast!

What I really love about the ocean is its power and majesty. I find it amazing something can be so calm yet terrifying at the same time. When I lived in Hawaii I loved crossing the street to just sit and listen to the waves. I would try to go every Sunday to read my scriptures and I will cherish those experiences. When I lived in Oregon, I would drive an hour just to feel the peace of water breaking.

For those who know me, they know I am not much of a nature girl. I don't get the urge to go hiking or to play in the leaves. The urges I get to be outside always draw me to water. I can't explain it. Maybe it is because the waves remind me so much of my own life. There are the moments when life is calm and the most beautiful shade of turquoise. Then there are the times when my life is a sea of gray towering waves. No matter what, it is constant and life giving.

My story

For those of you who I complained to, you know I had to write a story about polygons for my math class. I decided since Ny gave me the idea to write about pirates, I would post my story. It is now here on my site, underneath my guardian, Spike. I hope you enjoy.

Aflame

I have to post this next brief message just because it makes me really excited. I have officially starting applying for teaching jobs in Washington. I just sent out my first official application yesterday and I got word today BYU Hawaii sent my placement file out. (I was worried about this.) Also, I mailed all of my materials to Washington to get certified there. It is so exciting. I wish I knew other words to express how I feel about this move. I just had a brilliant idea, I will use a thesaurus. Give me a sec, here are a few of my favorites: hopped up, thrilled, on fire, wild, and delighted. Good times!

Graduation

I just received word I will be able to participate in the graduation ceremony at SUU on May 3. I am so very excited.

News

I have two bits of information:

One, my phone stopped working yesterday. It was very strange, one second it worked, the next it didn't. I went to Verizon today and got myself a brand new phone. It is an orange enV. It is pretty awesome. I still need to get used to it, but I am looking forward to experimenting.

Second, Maroon 5 once again canceled. I am very bummed. If they keep canceling shows, I may have to cut them out of my life. Well, that is a bit drastic, but I will think about it anyway.

An Awakening

I experienced a very interesting phenomenon this weekend. It is called the "interesting expectations of the sexes in the McCarrey family." I read about this on my Aunt's blog but had yet to experience it until now. It is interesting how subtly this creeps up, but creeps it does. I will give you an example. My brother and I got up at about the same time on Thursday morning and both got home at the same time. We are all with me, right? Somehow my grandparents are very sympathetic to his level of tired but don't seem to care about mine. A simple example, I know, but a real experience.

Here's another. I asked grandma if I could use the iron. She showed me where it was and let me go to it. After I have ironed the wrinkly clothes, I turn off the iron and put my close away. I can back to the living room at which point my brother announces he should iron as well. My grandma then proceeds to offer to iron his shirt, pants, and anything else he needs. Then she calls out to my other brother and asks if he needs anything ironed. While I expected to iron my own clothes I was surprised at the obvious manner in which I was not offered help.

I must admit, I was a little annoyed, but oh well. I guess the point is I was completely shocked by this. Why as a girl am I expected to iron my own clothes, help with the food, do dishes, but the boys are allowed to be pampered. Honestly, I don't want to sound like I don't love my grandparents or like a feminist, I just can't believe I never saw this before. It is like my Aunt expressed in her blog, there is a standard for the men of the family and a different one for the boys. (My Momita who has also experienced this phenomenon, said the same thing to me today.) I find it difficult however to do the right things in their presence because expectations are not stated and differ by gender.

Maroon 5

Exciting news! Maroon 5 is coming back to Utah and I am going to see them. I am so excited. Also, they just added tour dates for this summer. Maroon 5 will also be playing in Seattle sometime this summer. If all goes according to plan, I will be able to see them in Seattle with my sister and parents. I am so incredibly excited!

Thoughts

I was sitting in church today listening to music and talks about the Savior, and I thought, I really want others to know I have a testimony of the atonement and resurrection. I think about my life and who I am and I have come to the conclusion none of it matters without the Savior. He is the reason I wake up and strive to be better each day. I would be so lost without the relationship I have with my Savior. It is such a blessing to have this knowledge. I think I often take the knowledge I have for granted because I was raised to know. While I was reading the first verse of Enos last night, I was struck by one simple word; he says he was nurtured. I was also nurtured and how blessed I am as a result. I know the goodness of God and His great mercy. I will never cease to be amazed at how lucky I am to have been born of goodly parents and taught the knowledge of God.

Disturbing Dreams

I had a very disturbing dream last night. I dreamt I had just come home from church with a few friends so I went to change. After I had changed, I went into the living room where one of my girlfriends was and one of my guy friends. (The strange thing about dreams is I have never seen this guy before, but I know we were good friends.) The guy looks at me and gets this shocked look on his face. He said, "Wow, I didn't realize you were so small. I always thought you were a lot bigger than you are. I never asked you out because I didn't want to date a big girl. We should go out sometime, I think you may be the girl I have been waiting for." My reaction in the dream was, "That would be fun."

I know this is just a dream but I am really bothered by it. First off, I know I am a curvy girl and I am finally okay with that. Second, why would I ever agree to go out with some guy who only wanted to date me because I lost some wieght? I guess I am just really upset with myself. I know I shouldn't be because this was a dream, but still don't I have any self respect in dreams?

I am also disturbed because I am realizing this may be a hidden fear of mine; guys don't want to date me because I am not a stick. I guess I worry people aren't able to look beyond the size 16 they see before their eyes. I don't want someone who would only date me if I was a size 10. I know I will never be that small and honestly I am okay with that. My issue is I had this dream and as a result my thoughts have been plagued by this silliness all day.

Adventures in Teaching

I thought I would take a moment and share some of the adventures I have had in teaching this week.

My students were asking me once again if I was married. I let them know once again, I am still single. This lead to much murmuring among my students. After offering the only male staff at school as an option (all three are married and much older than me) one brave soul raised his hand. After calling on him, he offered me his 25 year old brother's phone number. Finally I was able to get the class back on track. At afternoon break this student came up to me with his brother's number and reminded me he was in the navy. Then he said to me, "My mom says everyone loves a man in uniform," and went to use the restroom. This totally cracked me up. Although I appreciate the offer, I will not be calling the brother.

On Wednesday this same student came into math class and said, "Miss McCarrey we have a problem, Kierstin is hatin' on you." He then proceeded to tell me all of the things she had supposedly said. Another student overheard, and said "That's what you were saying." Interesting. I let it go, because really who cares! After lunch this same day one of my homeroom students came in very troubled. He told me there was a student talking "smack" about me on the soccer field. He really couldn't understand why, because I am "the nicest teacher in the whole school." (Side note, this very same student was staying home from school because his teacher picks on him.)

As far as the "hatin'" goes, I have a few different reactions. One, I wonder who it is and what I could have done to upset them so much. Two, I must admit I felt a little bit sad. Three, who cares? My self esteem is not based on what a bunch of 12 year olds think of me. Fourth, I am pretty sure the student who is talking smack has a crush on me. Here are my reasons: he brought me a Coke for no reason, he visited me during parent conferences, came to school sick on Valentine's Day just to see me (yes, he told me that), he cut his hair when I cut my hair (yes, he told me he cut his hair just for me), and he bought me some pirate cupcakes. Maybe he is now upset because I made it very clear to my class sixth graders were way too young for me. (They were hoping I would hook up with a student I had a while ago who also had a crush on me.)

One final thought, why are young boys and old men attracted to me? Why can't I captivate the attention of a man my own age?

It's over!

I officially survived my video lesson. I actually think it went really well. My kids all participated with me, the lesson was long enough, and best of all, no one threw up.

Stress

I am totally stressed out right now. Tomorrow I am filming the small group lesson for my Master's project. I have planned everything out, I know which students will be in my group, I have all of the materials ready, but I am still worried. I keep having these horrible flashes of the lesson going wrong, the lesson not being long enough, and I even thought what do I do if someone throws up? Perhaps I am being little too dramatic, but I am really worried about not actually passing. I know right now my GPA is fabulous, but I still have to do a stellar job on my project. Another upsetting issue, is I have to review the video and then analyze it. I really hate seeing myself of film. My one comfort is tomorrow at this time, it will be over and I will be preparing to watch "Lost".

Matchbox Twenty

I know it has been a few days since I wrote anything. Life seems to have suddenly caught up with me. I spent all of Saturday doing homework. My weekend was not terribly exciting for that very reason. Rest assured, this is not the topic of my blog today.

Last week I experienced something for the very first time. I went to a real concert. Yes, I have been to see Everson, but this was a completely different experience. I got to see Alanis Morisette and Matchbox Twenty perform live. It was so awesome! Alanis played for about an hour. She played classics like, "Ironic", "Jagged Little Pill", and "Uninvited". She also did her take on a Fergie song which was really funny. I have never really been an avid Alanis fan, but it was pretty amazing.

The highlight of the evening was definitely Matchbox Twenty. They played for two hours. They covered some of their new songs and most of my favorites. It was so cool to hear "Real World" live. Rob Thomas is amazing! (I am sorry I keep using the same adjectives over and over again, but they fit so well!) I think going to this concert has just made me crave them. I want to go to concerts all of the time. I love the energy of the crowd, hearing good music, singing along at the top of my lungs, and being swept up in memories. If you have never had the chance to attend a concert, I highly recommend it.

Things I don't Understand

I have been thinking about something for a while now but I haven't written about it yet because I don't want to upset others or come off as hypocritical or bitter. Unfortunately these thoughts keep coming back and I find the only way to clear my mind is to actually write down what I am thinking. In advance, I am sorry if I upset anyone who might read this, but at the same time I am not going to apologize for having the thoughts.

When I first moved to Oregon, I went with my ward to the Temple. After the session the Bishop's wife came up to me and told me I wasn't allowed to wear my earrings in the Temple and to not wear them there ever again. About two months ago my coworkers found out I had two tattoos and of course I got the typical responses which included the rolling of the eyes and everything else. So, a week ago I was wearing a headband at work which has skulls on it. One of my coworkers said to me, "You look cute, but you better not wear that headband to the Temple."

Why bring all of this up? I guess because it really bothers me that my spirituality and worthiness to enter the Temple is determined by my outward appearance. I feel as though I am constantly being judged because I don't fit the cookie cutter mold of Mormon society. I have tattoos, I like skulls, I have two ear piercings in one ear, I'm 26 and single, and I am curvy. Why should any of this matter? I so often feel as though people only see my physical appearance and forget underneath it all I am a good person and yes I am worthy of my Temple recommend.

I try really hard to be a good Latter-day Saint. I do what I believe to be right. I just don't understand why my personality and my looks are so important that people have to "remind" me how best to behave. In reality, I never even planned on wearing the headband to the Temple and my tattoos are always covered (unless I am swimming). If at any point I felt like something was inappropriate I would stop. Why can't people trust me enough to make the decision?

Concerts

I promised Ny I would write last night. Of course I am a slacker and didn't, so I thought I should hurry and write before Ny never forgives me. Last night I went to an Everson concert. They did an excellent job. By the end of the concert it was obvious Tay was in a lot of pain. I went up to him after the show to offer him some pain meds and he looked paler than I do on a good day. Apparently none of them were feeling very well but that didn't stop them from completely jamming out. Tay was on his knees at one point playing. Christian even used the microphone stand to play the bass. John was giving the audience high fives and Sean was busy rocking out on his guitar. The only one who didn't really rock out was Will. I am not sure if this is because he plays the drums and can't really move around. He still sounded pretty awesome. I didn't really get to talk to any of them for very long. The band left pretty quickly due to "feeling like crap." Hopefully they all made it home and were able to get a good nights rest.

In other exciting news, Amanda and I got tickets to go and see Matchbox 20 preform on Thursday with Alanis Morisette. I am very excited. This will be by first professional rock concert. I can't wait to be able to brag to everyone I saw Matchbox 20 live. I wonder if Rob Thomas is really as cute as he appears in magazines.

Good Times

I have some very exciting news. I got my tax refund a few days ago. (Side note: It is pretty cool to check your bank account and see more than a hundred dollars .) Anyways, I got enough back that I have been able to do a few wonderful things. Number one, I went to Old Navy today and bought 3 pairs of badly needed pants. Second, I have been able to complete my collection of the show Smallville. (Side note: I love Lex Luthor. I know he is bad, but there is a little rebel in all of us. If he had just met me, I know I could have convinced him to turn to the light. All he needed was someone to truly love him.) Third, for some reason I the purchase I made for my CTR ring has not gone through, so I just purchased a new ring. Fourth, I can put money back into savings to pay my tuition this semester. Fifth and possibly the most exciting, I just paid off my computer. It feels so good knowing I have done that. I have always made my payments, but it is good to know it can't be repossessed.

On a completely different note, I am able to walk this year. My professors have been telling us for a while we wouldn't be able to walk until 2009 but it turns out they were wrong. I just sent my graduation application and check to SUU today. Hopefully it will get there in time. If all goes according to plan, I will be walking on May 3. If things don't work out, I'll be back next year for all of my graduation ceremonies. I will keep everyone posted. Wow, can you believe I will soon have a Master's degree? I am going to be Master McCarrey. How cool is that?

Everson

Right now I am sitting here listening to the coolest band ever. The band is called Everson. They just put out a CD titled "Lost Melodies." These guys are really talented. The lyrics to each song are beautifully written and blend so well with all of the elements in the band. I highly recommend this band. You should check them out on myspace. (http://www.myspace.com/theplanis)

Rings

I have some good news and some sad news to report. I will start off with the sad so you can finish reading this feeling happy. I lost my CTR ring about two weeks ago. I know it is just a ring but this ring saw me through some pretty tough times. I got her my senior year of college and she stuck with me through student teaching, my life in Oregon, and my first two years of Utah. She has become a part of me. My finger has even molded to fit her perfectly.



It has been two weeks now and I am ready to come out out mourning. I just ordered a new CTR ring on line. It is Hawaiian style and here is a shocker, it's pink! I am so excited to get my new ring. My finger is so bare and lonely right now. You know, I even find myself rubbing my finger where my ring used to be. (Phantom feelings again, I must move on to a more cheerful subject.)

I have gotten myself a new lucky ring. As you all know my last lucky ring brought nothing but bad luck. I need to call the good luck back into my life so I got a new and improved ring. This ring has six diamonds on it and every time I look at it, I just feel lucky. My students even asked me about it one day. I informed them this is not a wedding ring (not that I wear it on the left ring finger) but it is my lucky ring. They now want lucky rings too. Knowing the faith of children and that they believe this ring is lucky reassures me I have at last found my lucky ring.

Motivation

I feel as though I am constantly confessing things on my blog. Usually my confessions involve being addicted to something. Todays confession is slightly more serious, I am completely unmotivated. I am not sure how it happened but it did. It feels like I went to bed one night and woke up the next morning completely and hopelessly unmotivated. Usually you can see something like this coming but I was completely blindsighted. Honestly, being unmotivated really doesn't bother me unless I need to accomplish something. Right now I have a wide variety of things I should be doing with my time. I have a Masters project to complete, grading to do, and applications to complete. Yet I find myself coming home from work so completely exhausted I can't think clearly. Instead of getting things done, I do nothing whatsoever productive. How do I get over the the desire to do nothing and actually do something?

Family

Today started out pretty crazy for me. We got a huge storm last night and as a result I couldn't get my car out of my parking spot. It was definately a morning you wouldn't experience in LA or Laie. After I finally got to work (almost 4 hours after attempting to leave for work) I kept thinking, you need to write about this on your blog. I sat down at my computer and had this overwhelming feeling I needed to write about something else. So, here goes.

Several of my family members have blogs and as I was reading through a few of their entries, I was literally filled with love and awe for them. I don't always get along with my older brother. I can't really say why other than we rarely share the same opinion. I know it is a lame excuse but I offer it none the less. Anyways, I reading what my aunt had written about him and the spirit touched me so strongly. I know my older brother is an amazing man. He has the ability to serve others unselfishly and truly sees the good in others and the world around him. I wish I could say this about myself. Ny's wife has also shown me the adventures in the world. I remember her saying once, "Call it to you." I think of this often as I ponder the meaning and mysteries of my life. Ny and his wife have taught me to grab life and have fun with it.

The next blog I was reading was from my second brother. I feel there is a special spot in my heart for Tay. While reading his blog, I was reminded of this so profoundly I couldn't think of anything else but letting the world know. The beauty of Tay is he feels things more deeply than many others I know. I believe he can sense the needs of others and he knows how to comfort them in the right way. I know he did an awesome job as Elders Quorum Pres. How could he not? Even his blog was full of hope and openness.

My littlest brother is serving a mission for our church right now. Every week I get to read his letters and I know he is even more awesome than I could have ever suspected. He is so loving and positive. The people of Argentina could not have asked for a more Christ-like servant.

I also have a little sister. I just love her. She is 12 years younger than me and has always loved me more than I deserve. I still have notes she wrote to me when she was just learning to read and write. There is a phrase she must have heard somewhere, "I love you with all my heart." She remebered it wrong and would finish all of her letters, "I love you in all my heart." I believe she embodies this. She has given her entire heart to love for her family. I know she was chosen to be in our family so she could be my special friend. In all my heart, I love her.

What family would be complete without two parents? My brothers and sisters are stellar because of our parents. Life has handed them a bunch of lemons and they continue to make lemonade every day. There are days when I just need to hear my momita's voice and I know the world will be right again. When I want to forget my troubles I can't wait to talk to my dad. I believe I got my personality from my dad and my face from my mom. Not matter where I end up, a part of them is always with me. I am grateful every moment my Heavenly Father allowed me to have them.

I am who I am because of my family. I love them each so much! I don't know why today of all days it has hit me so profoundly, but it has. The world would be a much better place if everyone had a support system like I do. We all need family to comfort and strengthen us. We need them to put us in our place and teach us to be better. I will continue to need and love my family until eternity ends.

Independance

Someone said something to me today which has me bothered and I am not sure why. This person offered to help me with whatever I need but said, "I know you are really independant. . ." I admit I am an independant soul. I don't have a problem being independant because it is who I am. I guess I am bothered because whenever I have heard anyone reference independance, it is usually done in a negative way. For example, "You're too independant which is why guys don't ask you out." Sure, I could act helpless, but then I wouldn't be true to myself.

Is there anything really wrong with knowing you can do things? I often do things for myself because when I ask others, they typically roll their eyes, sigh a deep sigh of "oh boy!", or ignore me. If a person generally gets reactions such as these, doesn't this naturally create an independant person? I mean, if people really do want you to ask for help and admit you need them, shouldn't they be willing on the other end? Maybe I am just too synical to look at this objectively. Oh well!

The Third Floor

I wanted to share something I learned while moving last week, don't ever live on the third floor. Yes, living one the third floor is probably safer and warmer in the winter, but it sucks to move out. I must have walked up and down those flights of stairs a hundred times. I really didn't think I was ever going to recover from the pain. I was literally in pain for four days. My body felt like it had done the StairMaster for several hours. It is so nice knowing I now live on the first floor. Coming home after a long day of "babysitting" and knowing I don't have to climb the stairs puts a skip in my hop!

Thoughts from Class

I have been sitting here doing my homework when I came across a note I had written down. Before I tell what I had written, let me tell you what the class is. I am currently in my last math class for my Master's and the class is "Algebra and Geometry". My teacher was talking about using manipulatives and blah, blah, blah. In the end she said, "We need physical experiences." Of course I had to write it down because it made me think of something completely unmathematical. I realized it has been a very long time since I have had any real "physical experiences". I am in desperate need of a good, heartfelt hug, from someone who is not family. The last time I was decently hugged was probably two years ago. How pathetic is that? In Oregon all of us hugged each other. I am not a touchy-feely, kind of person, but I loved it. Since moving here I have come to the realization people are afraid to touch each other. I think it is because there are so many underlying implications in a simple touch. Isn't that sad! Why shouldn't you hug or touch someone? Human contact is essential to our growth and well being. I am afraid if I don't have a decent non-family hug soon, I may keel over!

We are our Choices

So, as I was thinking about what to write on my blog, a wonderful idea popped into my head. Then, life happens and now something completely different is on my mind. There is this person back in Oregon who I was really close to. We did almost everything together and I loved him. When I say I love, I don't mean I wanted to marry him, but I loved him in a very real and true sense of the word. Anyways, our relationship was not a healthy one. I used to think we played this game called, "you hurt me so I am now going to hurt you." I didn't like the things I was doing, saying, or the person I was becoming. (Side note: for all those who are concerned here, I was not using swear words, doing drugs, drinking, smoking, and I was only on the yellow light as far as chastity goes.) I made the very painful decision to cut this person out of my life. I have to admit cutting this person out has been probably the hardest thing I have ever done. It is not easy to say goodbye to someone you love when they are still around. I have moved on. I have not talked to this person for probably a year and a half, but every once in a while he tries to contact me. I guess this is why I am currently thinking about this. He sent me an IM saying he wants to talk to me. It hurts me to just ignore him, but at the same time I can't handle the pain of having him in my life. Is it wrong to just cut someone out? How can I feel good about this when I know my decision hurts another person?

My one comfort is knowing even though this may seem cruel, I know I am a stronger and healthier person for it. I know now who I am and what influences I want in my life. I am not saying this person is a bad person, but I don't want to become him and I am afraid I was. Where would I be if the atonement was not real and Heavenly Father hadn't helped me see clearly? I am so grateful there is always a way back and my path is no longer skimming the periphery of the iron rod.

Blue October

I know this is going to be shocking, but I think I have a new obsession. I have expanded my horizons beyond chap stick and Twilight. I really love the band Blue October. Yes, some of their songs use words I don't appreciate, but I still love the music. I don't know what it is. I think it is because I feel I can relate to the emotions and issues being sung about. I guess you could say I like things which make me feel. I also love they was Blue October includes "instrumental" with the "rock" sound. I am currently listening to them right now and feeling quite free. It is amazing what music can do. I love feeling inspired but also knowing I am not the only person who has ever experienced a certain emotion. I highly recommend "Calling You, Hate Me (be prepared for a swear word), Into the Ocean, 18th Floor Balcony, Chameleon Boy, and 3 Weeks, She Sleeps. Honestly, I love the two albums I have heard of theirs. I did have to get rid of a two of their songs because they were inappropriate, but check them out.

Crisis

I believe I am experiencing a mid-twenties crisis. I can't really be sure since I haven't had a mid-life crisis yet, but I am pretty sure. Right now I am seriously pondering why I went into teaching and if it is the right career for me. I would really like to get a sportier and flashier car to drive around, just so everyone would know how young and care free I am. I guess the only problem is I don't feel young and carefree. I feel old and haggard. Yea, I am pretty sure this is a mid-twenties crisis. How do I over come this? Once I do, will I face these same questions, doubts, and feelings when I am middle aged? Here's hoping it doesn't take me to middle age to figure it out.

Joy

I wanted to let everyone know there are some wonderful things happening in my life right now. First, I have found my Dr. Pepper chap stick. Plus I got two brand new sticks for Christmas. My lips are so very happy and the addiction seems stronger than ever. Second, I am moving to a brand new apartment. I mean brand new. My roommate and I will be the first two people to ever live in the apartment. I am so excited. Hopefully I can get a sub to cover my class and the day I am supposed to move. Third, next week is a four day weekend. I am so excited. I can't wait to sleep in and pack boxes while watching episodes of Friends. Life is good.