Decision

I have made a very crucial decision tonight, and here it is. I am worth it! I don't fit into a mold, I am not a carbon copy of anyone else. Maybe life would be easier if I did fit the world's perception of who I should be. If I let the world determine who I should be, I will never be happy. I want to be who the Lord made me. I am a full figured woman who is independent and sarcastic but is also kind, caring, spiritual, and good. Perhaps the people around me will never see it, but the Lord has opened my eyes and I like what I see. So there you have it, I am me and I am worth it!

Date

It is 2:20 in the morning and I can't sleep for the 3rd time this week. So, I figured maybe my mind will quiet down if I empty it of thoughts. I went on a blind date tonight. The date started off well. We went miniature golfing and then to get shakes at Iceburg. While at Iceburg we got on the subject of cultural traditions and cremation came up. I asked his opinion on the subject and he is totally against it because he doesn't want to destroy his body. I told him I was for it because I don't like the thought of my body rotting away in the ground. I also told him it would be nice to just be twinkled at the Second Coming. His response was maybe I could just be burned with the wicked because it was free cremation. Nice right? I have never had anyone even joke with me about being considered one of the wicked. Needless to say, the night went down hill from there.

On the road to my home he was talking about why he lived in Utah. One of his reasons is because he is single. I asked him why it was good to be single in Utah. Of course his reason was there are more options here. He wondered if I disagreed. I told him I did and that I had more opportunities for marriage in Oregon. He proceeded to tell me the reason was I was too old when I moved here and I am not Utah material.

I know he is just some guy I don't ever have to see again, but he really hurt my feelings. For the past three years I have been trying to convince myself of all the reasons I am single. Then to hear from a boy I am not "Utah material" really makes me question what kind of material I am. Hearing him speak those words was a realization of my worst fears, I am old and I am different. I know I don't fit in here, but I somehow hoped it was just me being over sensitive. I guess I was wrong.

I hope you are all sitting down

Just as the title suggests, I hope everyone who reads this is sitting down. If you aren't you may want to grab a chair before you fall over with shock. Are you ready? I am actually going on a date this week. I am just as surprised as all of you. One of my co-workers has set me up with a friend of hers. He called me last night and he seems like a nice guy. I am looking forward to going out. I haven't been on a date in a very long time. The best part about this one is there is no pressure because I am moving. I just get to enjoy leaving my apartment without worrying if this is going to lead to anything. It is pretty fabulous! I will keep everyone posted.

Career

I have been thinking about a lot of things lately and my mind seems completely bogged down. I am definitely having a hard time concentrating and being motivated to get things done. That is not to say I don't push through and get things done, but it seems more difficult at the moment for whatever reason.

I just finished my first class of the summer. It was a pretty enjoyable experience surprisingly and it has gotten me to thinking. I listen in class and I agree with the things which are being taught and I realize how much I do believe in education and think teachers are pretty amazing. But then I wonder how I got so disillusioned with teaching. I feel like I have become the teacher I never wanted to be. This past year, it just wasn't fun. My students are great kids, but each one had their own set of demanding issues, I don't feel like I reached them. I keep wondering if I taught anything or if I spent my time putting out fires. I realize this means I need to make some changes, but I can't help but wonder if that means a career change for me. I believe a person should be happy at their job and truly enjoy it or what is the point? I am just not sure I have the passion I once did. How do I get that back? Do I just chalk it up to life experience and move on? I know no one has the answer for me and I don't expect anyone to fix the problem. I am lost at the moment and this scares me because I feel like I have always known what I wanted and where I was going, and now I have no clue.

PS I know some of you are going to worry about me when you read this, but please don't. I really don't want any worried phone calls, especially from you Mom.