Ever since I became an "adult" I have been asked this question many times, "Where are you from?" or some variation like "where did you grow up?" It seems like a simple enough question but it has caused me to ponder the best answer. I am from California which I proudly admit but I don't consider that the place I grew up. If I was to be honest I feel like I grew up in Hawaii.
When I left home to attend BYUH, I feel like I was a shell of who I became. High school left me bruised, broken, scarred, and just all around not whole. I needed to get away from that environment and I am so glad I chose Hawaii. The moment I overcame the fear and loneliness that inevitably follows leaving home for the first time, I began to heal.
Hawaii helped me realize that I needed to figure out who I really wanted to be. For the first time in my life it became okay that I was me. I noticed I could make new friends but not only that people wanted to be friends with me. I didn't have to sacrifice or fade into the back in order to fit in. I felt free to have fun and to participate without the fear of being judged. I was able to become more than a shell and it was amazing. I finally grew in a meaningful way.
I am sure college changes people but I don't think I would have turned into the same person if I had been in another location. Hawaii was the place prepared for me to grow up. California was the place that prepared to become.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Mad Men
Oh my do I have a guilty pleasure, yes I speak of Mad Men. I don't know what it is about this show, none of the characters are all that wonderful of human beings. The characters drink all the time and smoke like chimneys, they have no moral values, and the men treat the women as objects, things to be used. I mean in all reality I would never be friends with these people, but I can't help that I love them. I find joy in the fact Mad Men is well written and fabulously acted. Oh how I love you! I would stay away but my roommate gave me the first season for my birthday and the addiction has been reborn.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Forgiveness
As you can tell from my last post, this year has not been the best. In fact things have gotten worse and I admit I had a little bit of an emotional break down last Friday and considered having another one yesterday. I do however feel like I am learning something very important.
Last night as I was thinking things over and trying to figure out what I need to change. I keep thinking there must be something wrong with me that people are finding me difficult to talk to/work with. It is an overwhelming task when you start to list your faults and hope to pinpoint the one that is giving you the most problems. I know, probably not the healthiest choice but I don't consider myself to have the best mental health anyway (which is perhaps a topic for another blog post, Taylor if you read this go crazy with your psychology training but we don't need to have a therapy session.).
This is all leading me to what I was able to conclude after pondering and praying. There are a lot of things which have happened over the past 2 years working with these people, well one in particular, and my feelings have been hurt repeatedly. I have been holding on to these things, I think because I am a sensitive, emotional person but also because in ways it fuels the fire. What I mean is holding on allows me to feel more upset when this person does things. I know that sounds strange but I believe there are times in all of our lives when we want an excuse to be mad and we want to find person to blame our misery on.
Let me add though, this person is just a small part of my life and for the most part I don't spend much time thinking about her. It is just all of this holding on leads to the moment when the walls holding it in break and that is where I am at. It is obvious now what I need to fix in my life? It was to me too, I need to let go. I realized I need to let go and move on with my life. Not just move on but forgive her for the things which have hurt me. I know it seems so simple but that actual act of forgiveness isn't. I am realizing to forgive is more than accepting an apology or expecting one it has to do with changing my own mindset, my heart, and the way I react to the people (in this case person) who I need to forgive.
For me to change and to forgive is not an easy thing. But I know it is the right thing and I know it is something I can control. I realize I also need something in my life I have control over. That is all I can control at the moment, my reactions and how I treat those who are difficult.
Last night as I was thinking things over and trying to figure out what I need to change. I keep thinking there must be something wrong with me that people are finding me difficult to talk to/work with. It is an overwhelming task when you start to list your faults and hope to pinpoint the one that is giving you the most problems. I know, probably not the healthiest choice but I don't consider myself to have the best mental health anyway (which is perhaps a topic for another blog post, Taylor if you read this go crazy with your psychology training but we don't need to have a therapy session.).
This is all leading me to what I was able to conclude after pondering and praying. There are a lot of things which have happened over the past 2 years working with these people, well one in particular, and my feelings have been hurt repeatedly. I have been holding on to these things, I think because I am a sensitive, emotional person but also because in ways it fuels the fire. What I mean is holding on allows me to feel more upset when this person does things. I know that sounds strange but I believe there are times in all of our lives when we want an excuse to be mad and we want to find person to blame our misery on.
Let me add though, this person is just a small part of my life and for the most part I don't spend much time thinking about her. It is just all of this holding on leads to the moment when the walls holding it in break and that is where I am at. It is obvious now what I need to fix in my life? It was to me too, I need to let go. I realized I need to let go and move on with my life. Not just move on but forgive her for the things which have hurt me. I know it seems so simple but that actual act of forgiveness isn't. I am realizing to forgive is more than accepting an apology or expecting one it has to do with changing my own mindset, my heart, and the way I react to the people (in this case person) who I need to forgive.
For me to change and to forgive is not an easy thing. But I know it is the right thing and I know it is something I can control. I realize I also need something in my life I have control over. That is all I can control at the moment, my reactions and how I treat those who are difficult.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
School
I was lying in bed hoping for sleep to come but I knew it wouldn't. I am too stressed/frustrated/annoyed for sleep to come. My goal is to get it all out, no matter how disjointed it may be and then finally find the peace of my dreams.
Let me start by saying I was dreading the school year all summer, basically because I am moving from a year round calendar to a traditional one. There is something to be said for having breaks in the middle of the year. My body, mind, and spirit has always appreciated and welcomed those periods of rest. I knew it was going to be a challenge but I have made this transition once before and survived and I know I will again, at least I hope I will.
About a week before school started I started getting really sick and I just haven't felt the same since then. (on the plus side I have lost some weight) Then there was a ton of drama at work having to do with scheduling. The truth is it was only one teacher out of thirteen who was causing the drama. I thought everything was settled, I have been doing groups for two weeks and things seemed fine. Which brings me to today. My coach stopped by to say hi and see how things are going and then informed me the other Reading Specialist was going to talk to me about second grade small group because it is just not working. I was so annoyed. Once again this teacher is making a big fuss and now people are going behind my back to do what? I can't change the schedule without affecting several other teachers. Fortunately my coach assured me I would not be changing my schedule. So what is there to discuss.
Perhaps that doesn't make sense to anyone but it doesn't need to, I just feel so frustrated. I was under the impression that I worked with adults not high school students. I also thought I was an approachable person. I guess not. I am realizing what it really comes down to is a lack of professional (maybe even personal) trust my colleagues have in me. I am so tried of being second guessed and talked down to. There is a particular person at work who always has to verify what I say and then is shocked when oh guess what, I was right.
I think the real reason I dreaded this coming of this school year is because of the people I have to work with. I dread having to see people because they are rude and unprofessional. I don't know what to do. Actually I do, I just don't want to. I hate confrontation but I see it can't be avoided. I don't want to get emotional or say anything offensive but I also know I need to protect myself. If I don't take control now, I will never survive this year. We are only three weeks in and I want so desperately for it to be over.
I hope and pray I will be able to move schools next year. The thought of having to work with these people for more than this year is more than I can bear!
Let me start by saying I was dreading the school year all summer, basically because I am moving from a year round calendar to a traditional one. There is something to be said for having breaks in the middle of the year. My body, mind, and spirit has always appreciated and welcomed those periods of rest. I knew it was going to be a challenge but I have made this transition once before and survived and I know I will again, at least I hope I will.
About a week before school started I started getting really sick and I just haven't felt the same since then. (on the plus side I have lost some weight) Then there was a ton of drama at work having to do with scheduling. The truth is it was only one teacher out of thirteen who was causing the drama. I thought everything was settled, I have been doing groups for two weeks and things seemed fine. Which brings me to today. My coach stopped by to say hi and see how things are going and then informed me the other Reading Specialist was going to talk to me about second grade small group because it is just not working. I was so annoyed. Once again this teacher is making a big fuss and now people are going behind my back to do what? I can't change the schedule without affecting several other teachers. Fortunately my coach assured me I would not be changing my schedule. So what is there to discuss.
Perhaps that doesn't make sense to anyone but it doesn't need to, I just feel so frustrated. I was under the impression that I worked with adults not high school students. I also thought I was an approachable person. I guess not. I am realizing what it really comes down to is a lack of professional (maybe even personal) trust my colleagues have in me. I am so tried of being second guessed and talked down to. There is a particular person at work who always has to verify what I say and then is shocked when oh guess what, I was right.
I think the real reason I dreaded this coming of this school year is because of the people I have to work with. I dread having to see people because they are rude and unprofessional. I don't know what to do. Actually I do, I just don't want to. I hate confrontation but I see it can't be avoided. I don't want to get emotional or say anything offensive but I also know I need to protect myself. If I don't take control now, I will never survive this year. We are only three weeks in and I want so desperately for it to be over.
I hope and pray I will be able to move schools next year. The thought of having to work with these people for more than this year is more than I can bear!
Monday, August 27, 2012
Homesick
Last night I as I was driving home I had the strongest wave of homesickness hit me. I had a similar feeling again tonight. It is strange because I have lived on my own for so long, I can't even remember the last time I felt like this. I think it is a combination of the start of another school year, being sick for what seems like forever, and knowing my parents will soon be heading back to Washington. As I typed that last part I realize that is the biggest reason. What a weenie I have become. I know I will survive without them here, but I don't want to. I was thinking tonight how nice it would be to visit my parents whenever I wanted. Get a hug when I am in most desperate need. I guess the truth is I am not homesick but parent sick.
I can't believe I am turning 31 soon and I want my Mommy and Daddy. I suppose some things never change.
I can't believe I am turning 31 soon and I want my Mommy and Daddy. I suppose some things never change.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Wicked
Today I went down to Capitol Theater and saw "Wicked". It was pretty spectacular and I have to say the musical is so much better than the book. In fact I am not even sure how they were able to turn that book into something so delightful. I actually liked the characters while watching the musical and thoroughly enjoyed the ending. The actresses who played Elphie and Glinda were amazing, they belted those songs out with such power. Although I admit it took me a little while to appreciate their voices as I am used to listening to Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth. I was a little disappointed in the actor who played Fiyero. It is not that he was a bad actor but his voice was not as powerful/deep as the other leads.
If you are looking for a good musical and a wonderful time, I recommend seeing "Wicked", but skip the book.
If you are looking for a good musical and a wonderful time, I recommend seeing "Wicked", but skip the book.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Colorado
This morning when I got home from Batman, I was too full of energy so I turned on the TV hoping it would lull me to sleep. As I flipped through the channels, I came to a station showing a movie theater with the caption "14 dead 50 wounded at shooting spree during a midnight showing of Batman." My eyes were transfixed as the horror of those words sunk in. I watched with my heart in my throat as a witness described the scene including the police carrying the lifeless body of a young girl out of the theater.
The longer I watched my mind turned to another shooting that took place in Colorado, Columbine. I was a senior in high school when I came home to images of students climbing out of windows and running across empty fields trying to get away from two boys. I felt the same feelings then as I did last night, shock, horror, and wonder. I don't mean wonder in the sense of awe but wonder that any person could commit such a horrific act. I understood more the anger of two bullied teens but a man walking into a theater and opening fire is incomprehensible.
I have always felt as though the movies were a place where every person had the same goal, escape reality and be entertained. They are a place free from the outside world and influences that plague us all. I have gone to the movies to fall in love, quiver with fear, laugh, cry, poke fun, and hang out with friends. The next time I go will I have to walk through a metal detector, look at others with suspicion, and pray the person sitting next to me doesn't have a weapon in their pocket?
I wonder why I am so shaken by this. Is it because I was in a movie theater at the exact time watching the same movie as these events unfolded? Is that the same reason I can't forget Columbine because it could just have easily been my high school? What is it that keeps some of us safe while others have to endure unimaginable horror? What causes a man to kill a dozen unknown and innocent people?
These Colorado shootings don't make sense and I am not sure I want them to. I don't want to understand the thoughts that would lead to senseless acts of violence. I don't want to understand rage and the inability to forgive those who have bullied me. What I do understand is that no matter how much neither event makes sense we have to see these things in order to appreciate and value peace and love. Is that cliche? Even if it is, does it matter? My hope is as the events of last night continue to unfold we will see an outpouring of love and kindness to those who surround us, those known and unknown.
The longer I watched my mind turned to another shooting that took place in Colorado, Columbine. I was a senior in high school when I came home to images of students climbing out of windows and running across empty fields trying to get away from two boys. I felt the same feelings then as I did last night, shock, horror, and wonder. I don't mean wonder in the sense of awe but wonder that any person could commit such a horrific act. I understood more the anger of two bullied teens but a man walking into a theater and opening fire is incomprehensible.
I have always felt as though the movies were a place where every person had the same goal, escape reality and be entertained. They are a place free from the outside world and influences that plague us all. I have gone to the movies to fall in love, quiver with fear, laugh, cry, poke fun, and hang out with friends. The next time I go will I have to walk through a metal detector, look at others with suspicion, and pray the person sitting next to me doesn't have a weapon in their pocket?
I wonder why I am so shaken by this. Is it because I was in a movie theater at the exact time watching the same movie as these events unfolded? Is that the same reason I can't forget Columbine because it could just have easily been my high school? What is it that keeps some of us safe while others have to endure unimaginable horror? What causes a man to kill a dozen unknown and innocent people?
These Colorado shootings don't make sense and I am not sure I want them to. I don't want to understand the thoughts that would lead to senseless acts of violence. I don't want to understand rage and the inability to forgive those who have bullied me. What I do understand is that no matter how much neither event makes sense we have to see these things in order to appreciate and value peace and love. Is that cliche? Even if it is, does it matter? My hope is as the events of last night continue to unfold we will see an outpouring of love and kindness to those who surround us, those known and unknown.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Batman
Twenty four hours from now I will be sitting in a theater enjoying Batman and I am so excited. Christian Bale is such an amazing actor and is brilliant as "The Bat". I can't wait to see him take on the role for a third time. I also have to admit I love Tom Hardy so I will probably be rooting for Bane to win. Let's be honest I pretty much adore all of the "big name" actors in the movie, although the jury is still out on Anne. The chills of giddiness are running up and down my spine! If you could see my face it would include a big, stupid grin. I would be ashamed, but it's Batman!!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
3 Nephi 17
I just re-read one of my favorite chapters of the Book of Mormon, 3 Nephi 17. Every time I read this chapter, I am overwhelmed by the spirit. I am reminded how much the Lord loves each of us individually. It is just amazing that the Savior can sense the needs/thoughts/desires of the entire multitude and meet those needs while still serving each person separately. How amazing would it have been to be there and have the Savior pull you to His knee, bless you, and heal you. I think of how the parents must have wept as He called all the children to Him. It must have been comforting to behold the Lord embrace each child and know no matter the destruction around them, that they were all encircled in the arms of His love.
At this very moment, I feel how much I am loved. I know if the Savior was here right now, He would ask me to come to Him and then He would embrace me. I know I am encircled in the arms of His love. I know we all are. This knowledge is truly one of the most magnificent things I possess.
At this very moment, I feel how much I am loved. I know if the Savior was here right now, He would ask me to come to Him and then He would embrace me. I know I am encircled in the arms of His love. I know we all are. This knowledge is truly one of the most magnificent things I possess.
Friday, April 13, 2012
The Host
I have to admit, when I heard they were making a movie based on The Host I was pretty nervous. The Twilight movies have been pretty bad, mostly because of Kristen Stewart, so I didn't have high hopes for this movie. My hopes were stomped on once again when I saw who they cast as Melanie/Wanda. Saoirse Ronan doesn't fit the description given in the book, at least I know she can act. I recently checked out the rest of the cast and I am getting more excited. I think they actually cast good actors and people who fit the roles they are going to play. Although, I am not sure how I feel about Diane Kruger playing the Seeker. She is too gorgeous!
I just watched the teaser trailer and I think it is going to be a good movie. I am not sure how they are going to pull off the role of Melanie/Wanda, but I am excited to see in a year.
I just watched the teaser trailer and I think it is going to be a good movie. I am not sure how they are going to pull off the role of Melanie/Wanda, but I am excited to see in a year.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Confused
Faith. I understand faith to be a principal of action but there is a part of faith I don't understand. How do you have faith in something when the only action available is prayer? Don't get me wrong, I think prayer and faith go hand in hand but is it enough? It seems like if you pray in faith, then you should be willing to do whatever action comes from that. What if everything you think to try leads to an end that is no different than the beginning? Does it mean you don't have sufficient faith because your actions didn't have a result. Is it enough to be willing to try and show that to the Lord, even if it leads back to the beginning when the only action left is prayer?
I really am trying to make sense of this, but I can't find an answer that feels "right." I have been reading Lectures on Faith, but I haven't found the answers I am looking for. Maybe it is enough to pray and be willing to do what the Lord asks you to do, but it somehow doesn't like it. I want to be able to tell my Heavenly Father I have done all I can, but how can I if I don't know what more I can do?
I really am trying to make sense of this, but I can't find an answer that feels "right." I have been reading Lectures on Faith, but I haven't found the answers I am looking for. Maybe it is enough to pray and be willing to do what the Lord asks you to do, but it somehow doesn't like it. I want to be able to tell my Heavenly Father I have done all I can, but how can I if I don't know what more I can do?
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Wow
I just got a comment from someone who read my post about the leg warmers and all I can say is WOW! For those of you who actually know me, you would know I wasn't trying to be unkind in any way to my grandparents. I just re-read the post and I am not sure how this person could even think that. I feel bad this person could only see something negative when I was trying to celebrate this gift I was given.
I only opened my blog to comments because my family said they sometimes had things to say about what I wrote. After the comment I read, I am taking the comments off. My blog was supposed to be a safe place for me where I could feel free to express myself without the worry of judgemental comments from people who don't know me.
For the person who left that comment, I think the name was oliver, I am sorry you were offended by what I wrote. I wish you would take the time to read my other posts and get a better sense of who I really am and the love I have for my family. I may joke about things, but I revere my grandparents and love them more than can ever be expressed. I would ask the next time you rush to conclusions and feel the need to chastise someone, you get to know them first. You may be surprised by what you find.
I only opened my blog to comments because my family said they sometimes had things to say about what I wrote. After the comment I read, I am taking the comments off. My blog was supposed to be a safe place for me where I could feel free to express myself without the worry of judgemental comments from people who don't know me.
For the person who left that comment, I think the name was oliver, I am sorry you were offended by what I wrote. I wish you would take the time to read my other posts and get a better sense of who I really am and the love I have for my family. I may joke about things, but I revere my grandparents and love them more than can ever be expressed. I would ask the next time you rush to conclusions and feel the need to chastise someone, you get to know them first. You may be surprised by what you find.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Fantasy
I have this dream that brings a smile to my face just thinking about. Someday, I want to have a room in my house called "The Texture Room." I will be the only one who has a key, I may let a few people enjoy it with me but only a select group. You may be thinking right now, what is a texture room? Well, it is going to be the most magical place on Earth! I am going to have velvet curtains to run my fingers over. Delicious smelling, thick, plush carpet to lay on and rub my feet and hands all over. When the carpet no longer smells new, I will replace it with brand new stuff (obviously, money will be no object). That's not all, I am going to have a leather chair to sit on will I run my feet through various kinds of sand ranging from fine to coarse. Yes, I will run my hands through it too. I want chalk dust to play in, oh to grab a pinch and rub it in between my fingers. It will be glorious!
Friday, February 24, 2012
Leg Warmers
About two years ago I got the most random Christmas present from my grandparents. They gave me leg warmers. I have been wondering when I would possibly wear leg warmers and I have now figured it out. After I started using a CPAP machine, I noticed there is always air coming out of the mask and it makes my arms very cold. When I try to wrap my arms up in my blankets the air just blows on them and it makes a very annoying sound. As I was laying there very annoyed, I remembered my leg warmers. They make great sleeves. I am glad I have found a use for an eighties classic!
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Tender Mercies
Tender mercies, Elder Bednar spoke on this subject many conferences ago and since then I have tried to look at my own life and find those instances where I have seen a tender mercy. For purposes of this post, I am going to define tender mercy as moment when I have seen the Lord's hand and recognized the love He has shown me. There are two moments that stand out to me from the recent past that I wanted to share.
Moment One: I think I have shared a part of this one, so if this is familiar, go a head and skip to moment two. About a year and a half ago I started getting a pain in my knuckle just below my middle finger. I didn't think too much of it even though it never really went away. In combination with this there would be days when my arm would hurt so badly I could barely move it. One day I noticed the knuckle was red and swollen, so I decided I should just go see the doctor. I got into the doctor and she did her exam and casually mentions, this could be rheumatoid arthritis. She said to just take some Motrin and I should be fine. I went on my merry way and then it seemed like all hell broke loose in my body. Everything started hurting and Motrin didn't work. I went back to the doctor, she didn't believe me and wouldn't help. (I know you are thinking, how could this be a tender mercy, I promise I am getting there.)
Probably two months later, I had given up finding any help. My doctor didn't believe me and was unwilling to help and the pain was getting worse. At this time, I got really sick and went to an instant care. I found out I had a double ear infection and a chest infection. I took my antibiotics but wasn't feeling completely better. I decided to do what I had vowed never to do again and make an appointment with my doctor. The day of the appointment came and my regular doctor ended up getting sick so I was sent to another doctor.
I saw Dr. Conner and he asked if I had any other concerns besides my ear infection. I mentioned the pain I was having and the things the previous doctor had said. He looked up my blood results and decided I really needed to see a rheumatologist. He got me on pain medicine and an anti-inflammatory plus he set me up with a referral for the rheumatologist. I will forever be grateful for Dr. Conner. Because of him, I am getting the help I need.
How does this relate to tender mercies? The Lord knew I had given up so He put a situation in my life which led me to people who could help me. I was also blessed to have a wonderful visiting teaching companion who is my age and also has RA. I knew I could talk to her and she would understand everything I was feeling physically and emotionally. This situation taught me that Lord is aware and will bless us in unexpected ways.
Moment Two: I started hearing this thumping sound in my ear a few months ago. Once again I brushed it off but then I got sick and went to the doctor. Since I was at the doctor, I thought I would mention it. I learned this could be a sign of a brain tumor or aneurysm. It wasn't cool to hear that and I was sent to an Ear, Nose, Throat Specialist for a second opinion. After a very scary MRI, I learned I don't have a brain tumor or aneurysm but the thumping may be caused due to a lack of oxygen. The ENT wanted me to do a sleep study and I was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. Now I get to wear a nifty mask when I sleep to help me breath. The point is, my body is now able to get the rest it actually needs and my quality of life is improving.
Maybe this is a silly example, but I would never have gotten a sleep study if it hadn't been for this darn ear thumping. I know the Lord is aware because He has put these things in my life and I have come out better in the end. I cannot and do not doubt the Lord loves me because I have seen His hand in my life. I know there are many more instances in my life but I need to look for them.
Moment One: I think I have shared a part of this one, so if this is familiar, go a head and skip to moment two. About a year and a half ago I started getting a pain in my knuckle just below my middle finger. I didn't think too much of it even though it never really went away. In combination with this there would be days when my arm would hurt so badly I could barely move it. One day I noticed the knuckle was red and swollen, so I decided I should just go see the doctor. I got into the doctor and she did her exam and casually mentions, this could be rheumatoid arthritis. She said to just take some Motrin and I should be fine. I went on my merry way and then it seemed like all hell broke loose in my body. Everything started hurting and Motrin didn't work. I went back to the doctor, she didn't believe me and wouldn't help. (I know you are thinking, how could this be a tender mercy, I promise I am getting there.)
Probably two months later, I had given up finding any help. My doctor didn't believe me and was unwilling to help and the pain was getting worse. At this time, I got really sick and went to an instant care. I found out I had a double ear infection and a chest infection. I took my antibiotics but wasn't feeling completely better. I decided to do what I had vowed never to do again and make an appointment with my doctor. The day of the appointment came and my regular doctor ended up getting sick so I was sent to another doctor.
I saw Dr. Conner and he asked if I had any other concerns besides my ear infection. I mentioned the pain I was having and the things the previous doctor had said. He looked up my blood results and decided I really needed to see a rheumatologist. He got me on pain medicine and an anti-inflammatory plus he set me up with a referral for the rheumatologist. I will forever be grateful for Dr. Conner. Because of him, I am getting the help I need.
How does this relate to tender mercies? The Lord knew I had given up so He put a situation in my life which led me to people who could help me. I was also blessed to have a wonderful visiting teaching companion who is my age and also has RA. I knew I could talk to her and she would understand everything I was feeling physically and emotionally. This situation taught me that Lord is aware and will bless us in unexpected ways.
Moment Two: I started hearing this thumping sound in my ear a few months ago. Once again I brushed it off but then I got sick and went to the doctor. Since I was at the doctor, I thought I would mention it. I learned this could be a sign of a brain tumor or aneurysm. It wasn't cool to hear that and I was sent to an Ear, Nose, Throat Specialist for a second opinion. After a very scary MRI, I learned I don't have a brain tumor or aneurysm but the thumping may be caused due to a lack of oxygen. The ENT wanted me to do a sleep study and I was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. Now I get to wear a nifty mask when I sleep to help me breath. The point is, my body is now able to get the rest it actually needs and my quality of life is improving.
Maybe this is a silly example, but I would never have gotten a sleep study if it hadn't been for this darn ear thumping. I know the Lord is aware because He has put these things in my life and I have come out better in the end. I cannot and do not doubt the Lord loves me because I have seen His hand in my life. I know there are many more instances in my life but I need to look for them.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
I Don't Get It
I have been thinking about a conversation I had with someone in class today. It started off pretty standard, you know where are you from, which led to my family no longer being in Southern California, moving to Washington, etc. She then asked where my ideal place would be to live and I said I was still looking. Then came the next question/statement you don't really like Utah and of course my response. I should learn not to be surprised by this next question, are you LDS? I said I was and she was like wow you don't fit the mold, you must find it hard to fit in here. (The classmate I was talking to is also LDS) I told her I did and I also told her that she wasn't the first to seem surprised I was LDS. She said it must be my aura.
I am not offended, I am just confused. So many people have been surprised that I am LDS and I really don't get why they are shocked. I don't swear, drink alcohol or coffee, I don't smoke, I dress modestly, I am temple worthy, in my mind I am obviously LDS but not to others. I wonder what vibe do I really give off? I don't want to be a "Utah Mormon" but I want to set a good example of a Latter-day Saint.
Even though somehow my looks, actions, attitude suggest otherwise (which still baffles me) I want to state that I have a testimony of the gospel. I may struggle like most humans do, but my faith and devotion to the truth has never wavered. I love the gospel and do my best to live the principals I have been taught. I guess I just don't get it.
I am not offended, I am just confused. So many people have been surprised that I am LDS and I really don't get why they are shocked. I don't swear, drink alcohol or coffee, I don't smoke, I dress modestly, I am temple worthy, in my mind I am obviously LDS but not to others. I wonder what vibe do I really give off? I don't want to be a "Utah Mormon" but I want to set a good example of a Latter-day Saint.
Even though somehow my looks, actions, attitude suggest otherwise (which still baffles me) I want to state that I have a testimony of the gospel. I may struggle like most humans do, but my faith and devotion to the truth has never wavered. I love the gospel and do my best to live the principals I have been taught. I guess I just don't get it.
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