New Stakes

I had the chance to go to the Conference Center tonight for a meeting about the new YSA stakes that are being formed.  I am excited for the change.  I think it will be a good thing for boundaries to be enforced and for University wards to be dissolved. I am not sure how I feel about being in a bigger ward, but I am looking forward to the possibilities.

At the meeting I realized a few things.  The first is that I am officially released from my calling.  Part of me is glad because the past few weeks I haven't felt a part of the presidency.  We rarely met which made it hard for me to know exactly how and who to serve.  At the same time I am sad because I have really loved being a part of the Relief Society in this way.  I never had a testimony of Relief Society until this ward and I don't want to loose that.

The second thing I thought was, this is it.  I have one more year before I graduate from the YSA program.  Once you turn 31 it seems as if the Church gives up all hope in you.  I never even thought that I would face graduating from the Singles Ward, but deadline is not far off.  One more year and then where do I fit as a member?

The last thing I thought of is based on something Elder Ballard said about letting go of fear of the future and walking in faith.  I realize I am afraid, not of what will happen around me but that I won't be able to contribute or that I won't ever move from this stage of life.  Elder Ballard also said we need to lower our standards and stop looking for perfection because it's not there.  It was so nice to hear these things because that is what media says we should be doing.  It is like a movie being played over and over again in my head, you must have a man like Horatio Hornblower to be happy, which isn't the case.  I need to find someone who will help me grow towards the perfection we all seek and someone who will let me help him.

Anyways, I suppose only time will tell what life brings.  In the mean time I am excited for the changes and can't wait to meet my new Ward.

Auschwitz

On Sunday James and I started this documentary about the German concentration camps, specifically Auschwitz; I finished it today.  I think in many ways I have been "sheltered" from what really happened there.  Obviously I have learned the basics in school but I was appalled by what I learned.  I have been trying to wrap my mind around the thought that a group of people could be so cruel to another group for no reason other than they were different.

There were SS guards from Auschwitz interviewed and they talked so matter of factly about how they participated, as if it made the most sense in the entire world.  I understand they had a charismatic leader who they believed but at some point wouldn't you question the torture and killing of at least children?  I am trying to understand the need for self preservation as well, but my mind can't accept letting others die because of my fear.  (I am so glad I will not have to judge those men and women.)

It makes no sense to me at all.  I was thinking while watching how Heavenly Father must have looked upon our world and wept while at the same moment Satan did a dance of joy.  I think how Heavenly Father must continue to weep because of the cruelty of man.  I am glad the Holocaust is over but I realize the same things are happening in the world today.  I can't help but think of my student from the Sudan who witnessed things no child should ever see. 

I have never seen myself as an activist, but I have to wonder what more can we do?  What can I do?

TayTay

Last night I went to Tay's last concert, Everson and The Indecision were awesome.  I was impressed with all of those who participated, especially Tay and Jimbot.  At the very end it finally hit me that Tay is leaving Utah.  I can't believe it and I really don't want him to.  It has been so nice getting to know my brother.  I am not sure how well I knew him before these past few years, but he has become my friend and someone who I can count on.
It has meant so much to me to know if I needed a blessing he would be willing.  I have loved having someone to brave family activities with.  I think of the times he came to my classroom and inspired my students with his love and passion for music.  Of course I remember a few times wanting to strangle him but I think that is the nature of family.

I am going to do my best not to cry (I realize that is a loosing battle, but at some point I have to show the tears they are not the boss of me) when we say goodbye next week.  I am glad this is not a goodbye I'll never see you again.  I am grateful for the knowledge we are brother and sister forever and that we have more time to continue to build our relationship.

Good luck in the great northwest TayTay!  I just want you to know you are loved and I am rooting for your success.  I know you will be an amazing psychologist and that your gifts will help many people.  On a side note, thank you for moving to a place with no sun, I am tired of being the whitest person in the family. 

Conclusion

Tonight the Captain and I went to Burger King, I put my Sprite on the stable arm rest and sat down only to have it flip upside and land on my cushion.  Both my seats were wet, it was not cool.  This is just the latest in a serious of unfortunate events.  Last week my fry sauce magically fell all over that very same seat cushion.  That too was resting innocently on the arm rest.  Don't worry it doesn't stop there, a Cherry Pepsi met a similar fate as did a Cherry Limeade and a Fruit Punch.  (I have now been banned from having any red liquid.) 

Given these events I can only draw one conclusion, I am being haunted.  There is no other explanation.  I am obviously not that clumsy, someone is trying to keep me from fully enjoying soda and fry sauce.  I am not sure who the ghost is yet, but as soon as I solve this mystery I will let you know.

PS Not that this matters, but I have been watching a lot of Ghost Whisperer.

A Dream

I really wish I had my own stylist.  I would like someone to make my hair look gorgeous and do my make up.  If I can't have that, I want someone to pick out all of my outfits so I look good everyday.  Of course I will have to make tons of money for this dream to come true or land a role on a hit TV show.

Letter

Dear Boys,

There are many questions I would like to ask, but being as I don't any of you personally, I am hoping this will somehow reach you.  Did any of you take to heart what was said in General Conference?  To paraphrase, "get off your lazy, selfish bottoms and ask out the beautiful women that are around you."  Perhaps that is a little off, but I really hoped that many of my wonderful amazing friends would actually get asked out on dates.  Apparently the message didn't sink in.  (Sorry, really trying not to sound like a bitter girl, but someone has to say it.)

Don't worry, I don't place all of the blame on you.  I think girls have issues too and we need to make ourselves available.  So, here I am making myself available.  I know I am not a super model and have even been called a "sweet spirit" so if that doesn't appeal I know lots of other girls.   Amazing women who would make beautiful companions.

Now, if we are having an honest conversation, which I think we are, what is wrong with me?  I know I may be a "sweet spirit" but I don't think I am hideous.  I know I am chubby but in my mind that means curves in all the right places.  I am educated, have a good job, I attend church regularly, and I am temple worthy.  I try to be friendly and talk to people I don't know.  I have a good sense of humor and in general I would say I am a good person.  I know I am an independent person but I am learning to rely on others.  I won't ever be a high maintenance girl which seems to be a mark in the "not for me column" but I think a girl should be able to take care of herself.

I promise to give you a chance all I am is asking is for you to do the same.

Sincerely,

Me 

My Own Twin

I made an observation tonight while in class, not only do I look like my mom but so does my handwriting.  My mom is just so awesome that my spirit must be trying to copy her in every way that it can.  So silly, I wonder what trait I will develop next. 

I Get the Hint

I think someone is trying to tell me something.  Our Relief Society lesson and our FHE lesson tonight were on honesty.  In general I don't view myself as a dishonest person but perhaps there are things on could work on, little tweaks you could say.  I'm not sure what because I don't tell out right lies and if I do fib the truth it is because I don't want to hurt the person.  I guess I better take the hint and exam my life and weed out all of the sarcasm and little white lies.

The Language of Love

I was having a conversation with some friends tonight (don't die of shock, yes I was out of the house and yes I have more than one friend.) and for some reason the language of love came up.  I have heard of this before but learned that there are 5 ways people express love and generally one way is most prominent for a person.  The girls I was sitting with were easily able to say how they express love.  You know, I am not sure I fit into any spot.  I'm definitely not physical, I have a hard time finding ways to serve, and I don't remember the other three but they weren't me either. 

I was just thinking, I hope the people I love know that I love them.  I know I am not the best communicator, but I sure do love a lot of people and I hope in my way it comes across.