I have been sitting here thinking about something Momita said to me yesterday. She said she felt like I had put up a shield and she knew I wouldn't say what I was really feeling. I realize I do that a lot and it's not because I don't trust people or that I am worried about how others will react but it because I love them and don't want anyone else to be responsible for my burdens. I feel like there are bigger issues out there that everyone is dealing with and that should be the focus.
Here is the truth, I am scared. I don't know how to even express what I am thinking and feeling beyond that. How do you fully express what it feels like to know your own body is attacking itself? How do you tell others you don't trust your body? When is it the right time to tell people you are worried you won't be able to hold hands with the love of your life someday? I worry that the RA will come to define who I am and how others treat me. I don't want to be seen as different or treated as if I am fragile, but in the end that's what I am. I am scared I will loose my independence. I know I have others in my life, but I am the one who takes care of me, how do I let go of that control? When do I tell others that I have this disease? Do I tell people, if I do who do I tell and what do I say? I have no answers yet these thoughts and feelings swirl around my head.
Yet at the same time I can't help but feel so grateful for my Heavenly Father. He blessed me with such a wonderful family and good friends who are so supportive of me. I know there have been many prayers offered on my behalf and I have felt strengthened and uplifted. I know beyond anything that I have been blessed of the Lord. Through round about means, I found a doctor who believed me and found me a rheumatologist. I was given a job that is perfect for what my body can handle. In Washington, I was blessed to have a Visiting Teaching companion who is my age and also has RA. I can testify I am encircled in the arms of my Savior.
Having said that, I don't know how to balance what I feel physically with my faith. I have heard many times faith is the absence of fear so if that is true, does it mean my faith isn't adequate? I guess life is just one day at a time and I know there will be good days and bad days. Without the mix, there would be no progression and that's why I am ultimately here; to progress enough to make it back home.
4 comments:
"I worry that the RA will come to define who I am and how others treat me. I don't want to be seen as different or treated as if I am fragile, but in the end that's what I am. I am scared I will loose my independence."
i entirely understand what you are saying here. sounds hollow but i REALLY think i do understand. i was diagnosed with lupus a couple of years ago and went through a very similar series of emotions. what worked for me is knowing that i was NOT any different with a diagnosis or without a diagnosis. i'm still the same person, which was/is far from perfect or what i hope(d). YOU ARE WHAT YOU BELIEVE (i told myself). if i believe i am strong, i will be strong. if i believe i am weak and fragile (two words i actually used) then i will be weak and fragile. it's all about what YOU decide.
yeah, autoimmune diseases suck. but they don't necessarily have to define you. do your best, which varies from day to day; but that's not much different than pre-diagnosis, is it?? when the lupus flares i feel like crap--no fun. but it allows me to slow down and take care of myself, something i might not have done pre-diagnosis. so, (in my twisted mind) my lupus is offering me an opportunity to slow down and take care.
this may not work for you but i strongly believe that YOU define YOU, not any disease!
Leo, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us on your blog. Now that you are writing more often, I will have to check it more often because you write so sweetly ( I hope that has good connotations!) and with such faith. i am in awe of you!!!! Thank you for responding to my worry. I do understand. I think you are on the right path. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Leo thank you for sharing your thoughts. You are such an amazing person and write with such sweetness (I hope that has a good connotation) and faith. Thank you for responding to my worries. I have such enormous respect for your faith. The word "grace" comes to mind. You are grace-full. I love you!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Thank you Momita for the love and continued support that lifts me up. DCR, thank you for your thoughts. I totallly agree, I define who I am. I don't think your mind is twisted because I feel like you. On my good days, I can see the blessing in knowing my body has its limits and it is good to know what they are and act accordingly. Thank you for sharing a little of your courage with me.
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