Forgiveness

As you can tell from my last post, this year has not been the best.  In fact things have gotten worse and I admit I had a little bit of an emotional break down last Friday and considered having another one yesterday.  I do however feel like I am learning something very important.

Last night as I was thinking things over and trying to figure out what I need to change.  I keep thinking there must be something wrong with me that people are finding me difficult to talk to/work with.  It is an overwhelming task when you start to list your faults and hope to pinpoint the one that is giving you the most problems.  I know, probably not the healthiest choice but I don't consider myself to have the best mental health anyway (which is perhaps a topic for another blog post, Taylor if you read this go crazy with your psychology training but we don't need to have a therapy session.). 

This is all leading me to what I was able to conclude after pondering and praying.  There are a lot of things which have happened over the past 2 years working with these people, well one in particular, and my feelings have been hurt repeatedly.  I have been holding on to these things, I think because I am a sensitive, emotional person but also because in ways it fuels the fire.  What I mean is holding on allows me to feel more upset when this person does things.  I know that sounds strange but I believe there are times in all of our lives when we want an excuse to be mad and we want to find  person to blame our misery on. 

Let me add though, this person is just a small part of my life and for the most part I don't spend much time thinking about her.  It is just all of this holding on leads to the moment when the walls holding it in break and that is where I am at.  It is obvious now what I need to fix in my life?  It was to me too, I need to let go.  I realized I need to let go and move on with my life.  Not just move on but forgive her for the things which have hurt me.  I know it seems so simple but that actual act of forgiveness isn't.  I am realizing to forgive is more than accepting an apology or expecting one it has to do with changing my own mindset, my heart, and the way I react to the people (in this case person) who I need to forgive. 

For me to change and to forgive is not an easy thing.  But I know it is the right thing and I know it is something I can control.  I realize I also need something in my life I have control over.  That is all I can control at the moment, my reactions and how I treat those who are difficult.